AcmeShorts

Somewhere in upper region of a Dyson sphere on the far side of the galaxy, Sam Gutherie was having doubts about his current relationship. Lila had always been what the Professor’d call “sexually adventurous”, and he could sense her restlessness. He was okay with her having done every member of her band—that was all in the past, but now she’d even grown tired of “doing it” while he was using his mutant power for extra thrust. And there were bigger problems looming on the horizon.

It all began when they started hanging out with the Starjammers. Lila had ’ported them in after a recent concert on the Badoon homeworld, and it was all downhill from there. Corsair and crew had decided to stay for a week or two—which really meant that they were probably feeling the heat from their latest raid attempt. It’d been one thing when Lila’d brought up a three-way with Hepzibah, that skunk-skank was pretty hot—Sam’d heard Corsair boozily going on about how she would wrap her tail around his pecker and “rub out the Shi’ar.” That was alright he supposed, but even if he’d had wanted to he’d been having some recent trouble with his dork. Sam couldn’t “pitch a decent tent”—not even when he saw Binary “tapping into the energy of a white hole” buck-ass naked!

He wasn’t sure what the problem was, and there was no way in heck that he would let that quack Sikorsky get anywhere near him. For gosh sakes Chr'ylites couldn’t even hold any tools—how good a doctor could it be? It’d probably tell him to eat some Acanti jism or drink some shit like Zero fluid. Sam’s pappy would roll over in his grave if word got out that his eldest had troubles with the “downstairs plumbin’”. Sam wondered if it had anything to do with the funny feeling he was starting to get whenever he was around Ch’od. That Saurid fruit-cake might say it had something going with C’ree, but Sam could always feel those reptilian eyes boring into his “Appalachian treasure trail” whenever they were alone—a situation he was trying his hardest to avoid.

Sam mulled over his troubles for a while, but then decided to put them out of his mind at least until after Lila’s birthday bash. The big day was coming up, and he had gotten her an Antarctic vibranium dildo. In the end, maybe that would be enough to keep her happy. But for how long?