AcmeShorts

It was April and the ramps, fresh from the Farmer’s Market, were pungent as they warmed atop a mountain of scrambled pheasant eggs, pheasant sausage, shiitakes and grated local cheddar. I remembered the words of Dick Crenshaw, the Pennsylvania farmer from whom I bought the ramps: “When yer done cookin’ the eggs, turn the gas off, put ‘em on a plate and throw the chopped ramps on top. Let the warmth of the eggs ‘cook’ ‘em a little. That way you release the earthy, garlicky aroma. You throw ‘em right on the heat, might as well have gone to the super market! HA!” I was smelling those ramps in all their glory as I took a sip of 2002 Hirtzberger grüner veltliner (Honivogl!); the wine had a pungency unto itself. ‘These are the moments I live for,’ I thought to myself, saliva practically overflowing my mouth. I couldn’t wait to eat!

My reverie was interrupted by a muffled braying, from the other room. It sounded like a horse. The eggs could wait. Quickly I went to the living room where I had Jeanne bound to the marble railing. She was really struggling – it looked like she was actually going to bite through her muzzle. I went back to the kitchen and returned with the bottle of grüner veltliner and one little piece of warmed ramp. “Here Sugar, smell this.” I dangled the ramp near her perfect nostril and held her in place by the neck so she could smell it. “Isn’t it wonderful?” I asked. She tried to pull her head away so I slapped her. I ripped the muzzle off and gripped her jaw so she couldn’t move her head. I forced the piece of ramp into her mouth with my finger and then forced the neck of the wine bottle in. She screamed around the bottle as I poured some down her throat and I think I cracked one of her teeth, but it was worth it; I really wanted her to experience this exciting wine/food pairing!
Date Written: April 28, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 4.6
Comments:
05/3/2004 qualcomm (4): it sickens me to think about those lousy fava beans and chianti that have been passing for class these last 13 years. i bet those 'favas' were some mislabeled hothouse mungs. certainly not local.
05/3/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Peculiar.
05/3/2004 scoop (5): "throw ‘em right on the heat, might as well have gone to the super market! HA!” Yes, HA indeed.
05/3/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): Misogynastic!
05/3/2004 Benny Maniacs: What the hell are ramps?
05/3/2004 Mr. Pony (5): It's sort of like a scallion, I think, but stronger and more garlicky. Man, this sounds like quite a meal, and I'm glad to see the addition of food to all the wine chatter. This short is the kind of pornography I can get into.
05/3/2004 Jon Matza (5): Yes - like children, adults sometimes must be shown what's good for them. Delightful variation on a tried & true theme; "cruc" last line.
05/3/2004 TheBuyer (4):
05/4/2004 TheBuyer: The bottle cracked her teeth should have laid an extra star down, but like I said. I was busy.
I love deviants.
05/6/2004 Dylan Danko (5): I haven't been on in a while but I heard about this one and felt I had to vote. 5 perfect nostrils!
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: This had me laughing out loud to myself on the freeway yesterday morning - lasting quality.
06/14/2004 qualcomm: "freeway," Buyer? isn't that a California term?
06/14/2004 scoop: Dee-tec-tive Lerpa on the casse...
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: yup, i think so. only our "freeways" are actually just highways without traffic lights.
06/14/2004 anonymous: The Buyer is who he says....but is Cooper Green actually Craig Lewis?
06/14/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Freeway wuld be a west coast term, wouldn't it?
06/14/2004 anonymous: Cooper Green is obviously Lewis. Does anybody doubt it?
06/14/2004 qualcomm: re cooper green/lewis, the lerpa ran a quick comparative diction analysis, and lookee lookee how they're both partial to the onomatopoiea, "thwack"
06/14/2004 scoop: anon_user_b is a cowardly coward. Does anybody doubt that?
06/14/2004 anonymous: i've never liked him...bloody beta
06/14/2004 anonymous: I doubt it.
06/14/2004 anonymous: There's a trail of evidence that leads me to believe that within a very reasonable certainty, TheBuyer, Pix, and Tiddlycove/Cooper Green are all more or less exactly who they say they are. I'm unwilling to discuss this in open air, for the sake of preserving the anonymity of members of the Acme Community, but those of you who need to be convinced can contact me through the usual channels.
Signed,
The Finch
06/14/2004 anonymous: The Buyer, Pix and Tiddly seem to be real Canadians. But Cooper seems like Lewis. Finch, what's your reasoning?
06/14/2004 Dylan Danko: Chris Finch? Finchy? The Fincher? Bloody good rep.
06/14/2004 anonymous: What did I just say?
Finch out.
06/14/2004 anonymous: The Finch is really Texxx. Does anybody doubt this?
06/14/2004 anonymous: I swear I saw Texxx outside the Korean bodega in my neighbourhood. Then again, I see a lot of stuff there.
06/14/2004 anonymous: not really; that's just some shit-talk i picked up from NYPD Blue. I think the real question is who is Litcube?
06/14/2004 anonymous: Oh, for heaven's sake, you're Litcube.
06/14/2004 anonymous: I heard Litcube is James T. Polk.
06/14/2004 anonymous: no, no, finch is cabot.
06/14/2004 The Finch: Ridiculous.
06/14/2004 scoop: You all are a bunch of raving idiots who give anonymity a bad name.
06/14/2004 anonymous: i come from a long line of masked cowards, now go! GO!
06/14/2004 anonymous: What the hell...?
06/14/2004 Pix: Oh Dear Lord.
06/14/2004 Pix: Correction: Freeways are highways without Tolls NOT Traffic Lights as evidenced here
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: Pix; follow the link for expressway, smartypants.
06/14/2004 Pix: You wanna fight huh??? Huh? HUH??? You said traffic lights Not intersections
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: I'll pick a battle I can win, thanx Pix. Also, John Slocum, I really like this short. That was my point.
06/14/2004 John Slocum: Thank you. It was all going great until Snow came in all mischievous-like.
06/14/2004 Ewan Snow: Slocum, what are you talking about?
06/14/2004 Craig Lewis (5): Great short, Slocum! Crucial last sentence semi-colon usage! Anon_a, Anon_b, The Lerpa, etc.: I am not Cooper Green. "Thwack" aside, what's your reasoning?
06/14/2004 Dylan Danko: anon c is Pony. Chris Finch is very good at throwing a kettle over a pub.
06/14/2004 Mr. Pony: Whating a what? I was anon_user_f.
06/14/2004 anonymous: Yes.
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: i was c.
06/14/2004 anonymous: c?
06/15/2004 John Slocum: Snow: your funny habit of picking out new guest author's that obviously aren't Lewis and suggesting they might be Lewis. If it wasn't you causing the mischief, my apologies.
06/15/2004 John Slocum: Gosh, maybe anon. a and b. (the first ones, that is) are The Lerpa? Can it be?
06/15/2004 Ewan Snow: Slocum, why don't you admit that YOU ARE LEWIS TOO? While I'll admit to that tendency, I wasn't the one who made the particular accusations below. I was anon_d.
06/15/2004 anonymous: I was anon-a
06/15/2004 anonymous: Also, it was the Lerpa who started it all, with his questioning of Tex, I mean, the Buyer's, usage of 'freeway'.
06/15/2004 qualcomm: the lerpa makes his comments nonanonymously, in the clear light of day
06/15/2004 anonymous: Furthermore, I'm not even convinced that Slocum exists. After having a few at the Stoned Crow last night, I dropped by Slocum's alleged place of employment, a few doors down. They claimed that the sommelier was female, and that no John Slocum had ever worked there!
06/15/2004 Chris Finch: Danko, thanks for the kind word but I suspect you're as much of a cunt as the rest of these cunts.
06/15/2004 scoop: You scumbags, a ramp is any of a large genus of bulbous herbs of the lily family including, but not exclusively, the onion, garlic, chive, leek, and shallot. Perhaps pony was thinking of a shallot when he asserted a ramp was a "stronger, garlicky (sic)" scallion, let me elucidate. A scallion is a particular type of onion, named after a seaport in what is known in some circles as southern Palestine. As such it falls under the larger group of alliums of which ramps are a part, assholes. PS - I nominate Slocum as an author. All in favor...
06/15/2004 Mr. Pony: Scoop:
1) What would we do without search engines?
2) I take it you're seconding my nomination. I'll humor you. Aye.
3) Asshole!
06/15/2004 scoop: Dear Chris Finch, I would call you a cunt but you're not worhy of comparison to its sweet, dripping nectar like folds. Your more like the seed of a cunt insiduously planted in the idea of a child's legs; hoping beyond hope to find sweet purchase in the virgin flesh and metamorph in to a deep, mysterious chasm that all true cunts becum. So instead I will merely call you a douche and be done with it.
06/15/2004 scoop: Dearest Pony, If by "search engine (sic)" you mean my mighty fucking brain -- then you're right i don't know what we'd we'd probably be like an animal or someone who travels by subway. PS -- you remain and will always be a bad tard.
06/15/2004 Dylan Danko: You mean thirding my nomination don't you Pony? Chris Finch = Lewis?
06/15/2004 anonymous: Speaking of cunts: http://www.9news.com/acm_news.aspx?OSGNAME=KUSA&IKOBJECTID=28733f71-0abe-421a-0169-111d1862eed5&TEMPLATEID=0c76dce6-ac1f-02d8-0047-c589c01ca7bf
06/15/2004 Not Lisa: shouldn't we also nominate lewis, then? all in favor, say "ewan"
06/15/2004 scoop: No he meant seconding my nomination, Danko, so just calmly go back to your drink, and let the business men get down to brass tacks here, OK?
06/15/2004 TheBuyer: someone should get a cunt-wrangler in here to collect the other author votes.
06/15/2004 Mr. Pony: scoop, you fucking douchebag, let me take a moment to apologize for assuming that you wouldn't just know something off the top of your head, you stupid ass-sucking dipshit. It was, you vile drinker of pestilent dog semen, not at all fair on my part, assface. Please, you statue of John Tesh fashioned out of monkey crap, you should take this apology as sincere, and ignore (with your barely functioning yeast-infected "mind") any and all of the insults that pepper this posting, as I do not mean them in the slightest.
06/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Yes, as I said initially before Pony and Scoop, Slocum and Lewis.
06/15/2004 Mr. Pony: Yeah, I guess that was a while ago. Okay. Second!
06/15/2004 scoop: Dearest Mr. Pony, I hope you realize that all I do is an attempt to impress you. I find your intellect, daunting, if not outright intimidating, your artisitc skill dazzling, and your dedication to me a s afriend awe-inspiring. Anything that one would call "good (sic)" in a shadow of a man like mysel;f has been entirley from your gentle but profound influence on my life. Your embrace of me a s afriend during a turbulkent and unsteady time in my life saved me I can't count how many times. If I have ever done anything to hurt you, emotionally or otherwise, I want you to know it is from my own sheer folly. Consider it the bumbling of a child who only wants to impress his father and manages to get in the way in the process. In an attempt to try to earn you affection, I have spunred it. If it hasn't become obvious enough up till now, this is an apolpogy. I apologize, from a heart you yourself have made stronger, a thousnad time over for thois indiscretion and any other.
06/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Scoop, please revise and re-post. Thanks!
06/15/2004 Mr. Pony: Ohhhhhh-keh!
06/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Pony! How are our pics coming?
06/15/2004 Craig Lewis: Thank you, Not Lisa, Danko, Pony, Ewan, and others, for your nominations. By the way, Danko, I'm not Finchy!
06/15/2004 Dylan Danko: Well, you're still a bloody good rep.
06/15/2004 Craig Lewis: Stop nicking my catch-phrases.
06/15/2004 Mr. Pony: Dylan! The shot of you naked with the puppies came out a little blurry! Otherwise fine!
06/15/2004 Dylan Danko: huh?
06/15/2004 Dylan Danko: in response to Lewis
06/15/2004 Craig Lewis: David Brent: "Stop nicking my catch phrases." (Season 1, Episode 5?) Never mind.
06/15/2004 Dylan Danko: my bad...trod upon it.
06/16/2004 Mr. Joshua: Slocum: While taking in a late repast at Diner last night, I noticed a Gruner Veltliner on the wine list. I insisted to my companions that we order it, as you had given it props in not one, but two of your shorts. Well we ordered it, and that shit was on! The shit was so on, we ordered another. Then, I wanted to drink some out of the waitress' snatch, but she wasn't having any of that. It was a Glatzer 2003, Carnuntum....a mere Kabinett, but quite delicious for $26.
06/16/2004 John Slocum: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!!!!!!!!! There aren't many better food wines. I like that, bitch Glatzer, nice guy. There are 3 regions that have better wines than Carnuntum: Wachau, Kamptal, Kremstal. The Wachau is the greatest (and one of the greatest wine regions in the world), although for sure the wines are more expensive. Drink Hirtzberger, Knoll, Alzinger and Prager (Wachau) if you want to splurge, or else drink Hiedler, Brundlmayer, Hirsch (Kamptal), Salomon and Nigl (Kremstal) for less. All excellent producers, not to mention just all around nice, hospitable, genuine people. GO, GO, GO MR. JOSHUA!!!!!!!!!!!!
06/17/2004 anonymous:
I am the Finch!
signed,
The Finch
06/17/2004 The Finch: Liar!
06/17/2004 anonymous: Sorry.
03/4/2005 Phony Millions (5): We could say that this short is perfectly representative of Slocum's whole ouvre. A classic; wouldn't change a thing.
03/4/2005 TheBuyer: I would change whatever is making this thing so fucking wide.
03/4/2005 John Slocum: Almost ramp season, gentle readers!!!