AcmeShorts

Obligatory Shite Short XII

I took 5 craps on Saturday. On Sunday morning while on the pot the epic nature of my Saturday was sinking in. Had it really been 5? I closed my eyes and reviewed each one so as to be convinced of the veracity of my exploits. I wouldn't wanna relate an embellished anecdote to anyone, much less my group, and I was pretty excited to talk about this.

I went on to take 2 more shits on sunday and was a bit disapointed, but then rebounded on Monday, squeezing out 4 separate, legitimate movements (like a symphony, I thought - Ha Ha!).

Monday night, anus smarting, I sat gingerly on a chair by the fireplace and practiced what I would say. I knew some joker would question my assertion on some quibbling, technical grounds (not enough mass per movement, could have sat longer and combined, etc.) and regretted not having the foresight to have snapped some photos. Well anyway, I had always taken others' words for truth and should be able to expect the same without anxiety. We had always trusted each other, all of us, and after all, wasn't trust the foundation of civilization?
Date Written: April 23, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3
Comments:
04/29/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (3): Ah, and then. I wonder if a year from now this site will be dedicated to photos of contributor's feces.
04/29/2004 anonymous (3): Yah, I wrote this in like 7 minutes and then sort of regretted it, 3 stars is about right.
04/29/2004 qualcomm (3): i liked this much more than the much-vaunted shitting-my-pants short from yesterday
04/29/2004 Tiddlycove (3): Three is about right, Poopyboy? Generous in my estimation, but you're saved by 'could have sat longer and combined'. Please tell me there is no screenplay in the works.
04/29/2004 TheBuyer (3): should be 2 for title, and proximity.
04/29/2004 John Slocum (4): Generous TiddlyWiddly? I take it back and vote 4 stars.
04/29/2004 John Slocum: yah, it's me, that's right!
04/29/2004 Ewan Snow (2): "Gingerly" is an adjective, not an adverb. And don't tell me about how, now that it's been so widely misused, people accept it used as an adverb. I don't go for that shit.
04/29/2004 John Slocum: Your wrong, its an adverb.
04/29/2004 Ewan Snow: Touché.
04/29/2004 Tiddlycove: That will teach me a lesson, Smegma. And you're right, it's an adverb. Maybe Mr. Snow is thinking of 'gingery', as in tastes of ginger. I wouldn't.
04/29/2004 Tiddlycove: ... like you said.
04/29/2004 scoop (3): I like the last two lines, they feel like the dying embers of something that used to matter.
04/29/2004 Ewan Snow: Tiddlycove, what are you talking about?
04/29/2004 Tiddlycove: Slocum enjoys being nicknamed after body fluids. The rest of it was just me unnecessarily sticking my nose in the adverb controversy.
04/29/2004 Mr. Pony: It's an adjective? Really? I don't think I've ever heard it used correctly, then. Anyone?
04/30/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: I'm voting adverb. You would say something like "Ferucio stepped gingerly past the sleeping Matza." You wouldn't say "Ferucio had gingerly shaped bruises on his head from the bricks Slocum & Snow threw."
04/30/2004 Ewan Snow: "Vote" whatever you want, FPC and Tiddly. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It is NOT an adverb. Period.
04/30/2004 John Slocum: http://www.cogsci.princeton.edu/cgi-bin/webwn?stage=1&word=gingerly It's both, unless your site is better than mine.
04/30/2004 scoop: Do not even think of misusing a pronoun in the slot right after these or any other prepositions. Do you hear me, boy?It makes a person appear to be uneducated. And also Dr. Anthony "D." Hunter will use his hands-on fail-safe method for killing you. [The strike-through line indicates the unspeakable things he will do to you.]
04/30/2004 Mr. Pony: Don't make fun, scoop. Ewan probably spent good money on Dr. Anthony D. Hunter's Hands-on, Fail-Safe Grammar and Writing Program. Ha ha!
04/30/2004 scoop: I'm not making fun. I actually bookmarked it, a little out of fear of course, but still. I just can't help thinking that Dr. Anthony "D-Train" Hunter looks like the notorious Angus Scrimm of Phantasm phame.
04/30/2004 Ewan Snow: The good doctor is clearly an asswipe, but that's neither here nor there. "Gingerly", because it ends with "ly" is almost always misused as an adverb. Because of that, its meaning has to some degree changed and it is now accepted by some as an adjective. But as I said in my original post, I don't go for that shit. I'm old school. That said, this short still doesn't deserve a two. I owe you a star or so...
04/30/2004 John Slocum: Aw, thanks, you can make it up with hand release.
04/30/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I hate to break it to you,Snow, but the OED says this:

A. adv. a. In early use: Elegantly, daintily. Chiefly with reference to walking or dancing: With small elegant steps. (Originally in favourable or neutral sense, but subsequently with reproachful implication: Mincingly, effeminately.) 1519 Interlude Four Elem. (Percy Soc.) 49 And I can daunce it gyngerly.

b. From the 17th c. recorded with application to bodily movements or manipulation in general: With extreme caution, so as to avoid making a noise, hurting oneself, or injuring something touched or trodden upon; also, with the appearance of reluctance or distaste (as in handling some disagreeable object).

1607 R. C. tr. Estienne's World of Wond. 350 He tooke off the taffata very gingerly wherein the coffer was wrapped.

B. adj. a. Of persons and their movements: Dainty, delicate (obs.). b. Of manner of walking or handling: Extremely cautious or wary; showing fear of making a noise, hurting oneself, or injuring what is touched or trodden upon.

1533 UDALL Flowers Lat. Speak. 99 We staye and prolonge our goinge with a nyce or tendre and softe, delicate, or gingerly pace [L. tenero ac molli passu].

I misled you. Mea culpa.
04/30/2004 Ewan Snow: Oh, the OED, like that's some sort of authority on the subject...
04/30/2004 qualcomm: yeah, you two are real jerks. adjective. meh.
04/30/2004 John Slocum: VINDICATION! you see, after 12 craps in 3 days, it was necessary for the character to sit gingerly, as the aforementioned 12 craps would have the same effect on the anus as if 'twere 'trodden upon' (see b. below).
04/30/2004 Mr. Pony: 12 craps? Am I counting wrong?
04/30/2004 Mr. Pony:
Saturday = 5
Sunday = 2
Monday = 4
04/30/2004 Ewan Snow: Plus the short itself equals twelve. Sorry, Slocum, couldn't resist...
04/30/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Did you read carefully, The Lerpa? It is an adjective, it's just also an adverb.
04/30/2004 qualcomm: you mean it's an adverb, that's also sometimes an adjective, though often only in an obsolete (homo) sort of way.
04/30/2004 Ewan Snow: Nuh uh!
04/30/2004 John Slocum: Pony: The character is crapping on sunday morning reviewing the 5 from saturday, then goes on to take 2 more on sunday, ergo, 3 on sunday (QED)!
04/30/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh! If that was a test, I failed it!
05/1/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: well, what do you know.
05/2/2004 Craig Lewis (4): Hey. This is pretty good.
05/29/2004 John Slocum: I agree, Lewisizer. I guess the readers aren't as intersted in my bowel habits as I had though.
06/2/2004 TheBuyer: I lowballed ya John, I can now admit it. I've grown. I promise.