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Raccoon Diet

Fuck Atkins, try this.

The Raccoon Diet.
Personal Weight POWER with a Raccoon You'll be astonished at the simple effectiveness of this POWERFUL DIET program diguised as a mutilated mammal!
It's the ONLY weight loss system you'll EVER NEED!

1. Removed the pre-reared, fully grown raccoon from it's Enviro-Wrap and place in the RaccaCoon Grippa C-Clamp [not included]

2. Using a pair of ordinary, household interlocking slip-joint pliers with a 35 mm span over a 6:8 ratio, or a 25oz Estwing Framing [not an 11 inch Bandsaw] remove the claws from all four feet of the raccoon.

3. Remove the teeth of the raccoon with a hammer, or similar device used for bonking.

4. If you have purchased the Super pre-Mangled-De-Luxe-Raccoon POWER Diet, ignore the preceeding two steps and go directly to Step 5.

5. See Step 6.

6. Holding the Raccoon Diet Applicator [big paper tube] carefully release the raccoon from the RaccaCoon Grippa C-Clamp.

7. Insert the raccoon into the Raccoon Diet Applicator [big paper tube in your mouth] until only one inch of tail [not including hair] is visible, then remove applicator [take the tube out of your mouth]

8. DO NOT INSERT RACCOON INTO MOUTH TAIL FIRST. The raccoon's bowels or bladder may not have been adequately voided by pain and fear.

9. Watch the POWER of the RACCOON DIET take hold as the pounds melt away like -=MAGIC=-!

Go ahead and try to gain weight with a fully grown male raccoon lodged halfway down your throat...YOU CAN'T!
Advanced raccoon technology allows you to achieve POWERFULLY DRAMATIC WEIGHT LOSS RESULTS! RESULTS GUARANTEED TO BE SO DRAMATIC, IT MAY KILL YOU!!!