AcmeShorts

"Oi! You takin' the piss ow, you fahkin' cun'??"
"I assure you young man micturation is farther from my mind than the lubricious, cinnabar teat of my dearly departed Matron. I have not, even for the briefest of moments, considered taking my 'piss out' as you put it."
"Wot the fahk you on a'bow?"
"Merely this: if we are to extricate ourselves from this aero-plane hangar in the middle of this nameless Central American country thereby avoiding the climactic skirmish between the large breasted mercenary soldiers of fortune and the druggists of vaguely defined Latin extract, and deposit ourselves back into the safe and sleek, oak paneled halls of our Masterpiece Theatre solemnity where every man knows his station, we must do so post haste!"
Mr. Homo stopped to catch his breath and Biggles, who was immediately angered by the reference to men and their station regarded him with grizzled contempt.

Sure enough, from the edge of the plastic rainforest came well oiled, poorly camouflaged girls with ammo diagonally strapped to them, running with a strange almost preternatural slowness. All of this had the utterly fortuitous effect of accentuating their improbable titties. From the opposite direction, the gun-mounted jeep with Hispanic yobbos tore through the brush leaving dust clouds in its wake. Mr. Homo put a clotted-cream-fed hand on Biggles' shoulder, using the other hand to consider the hopelessness of their situation. "Well Biggles my boy," he said with equal parts resignation and condescension, "it looks like our luck has finally run its course." Biggles shook his head in disgust. "You ars'k me, it looks like your fahkin' luck's runnin' down yer fahkin' leg. Fahkin' ponce!"

Date Written: April 13, 2004
Author: Dylan Danko
Average Vote: 3.75
Comments:
04/19/2004 Will Disney: there were amazon princesses in this one, right? cool!
04/19/2004 qualcomm (3): while many of the details were amusing, the utter incoherence of this one really rankled my chancre.
04/19/2004 anonymous: What's so incoherent? Two guys from Upstairs Downstairs have found themselves in an Andy Sidaris movie.
04/19/2004 Ewan Snow: I didn't find it incoherent, particularly. But I didn’t find it all that funny either, which is odd, cuz it seems to have the makings of a good short. The idea of being on a set and describing costumes and set elements as cheap or fake looking has been done too many times already, which I think is the main problem with this. This would maybe be better if I had never read the site before. I dunno... not sure how to vote: three or four. Let me talk to my accountant and see what I can afford this quarter.
04/19/2004 qualcomm: god i hate this short.
04/19/2004 Ewan Snow: Are you trying to influence my vote? How dare you!
04/19/2004 qualcomm: "clotted-cream-fed hand". lazy cunt.
"preternatual slowness" -- asshole.
04/19/2004 qualcomm: ok,i admit it. i wrote this.
04/19/2004 anonymous: What's lazy about them? I agree with Ewan about this but I enjoyed preternatural slowness.
04/19/2004 qualcomm: ah, i'm just kidding with you. (fart)
04/19/2004 Dylan Danko: What does The Lerpa have against clotted-cream?? It seems like it would be right up his alley.
04/19/2004 mr.coffee (4): Well I gotta say I liked this one. Fawlty Towers meets Predator. Good shit!
04/19/2004 John Slocum (4): I also enjoyed this one and found it to be funny. I haven't been on the site long enough to be inundated with other shorts with this bit, so while I understand and appreciate Snow's comment, it's outside of my experience thus far and therefore, I must kill him.
04/19/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Kind of mechanical, but I'm such a sucker for phonetically written accents.
04/20/2004 Dylan Danko: No Mr. Coffee not Predator but rather this.