AcmeShorts

Am I to sit here and hide? After all, it is now assured that the man at the urinals will be satisfied more quickly than I. Otherwise, he’ll be witness to my anal activities; not fucking cool. On the other hand, perhaps I’ll be discovered while waiting. He may, like most citizens, lean back and check through my door and partition. He may even try crouching, to get a glimpse of my shoes, the twat. In the end, I deem it too creepy to sit there in silence, and find a rather neat solution: I signal my presence with a throat clearing, and just to be sure, follow with the shuffling of my feet. Then I wait for him to leave (and doubtlessly he feels compelled to hurry, knowing I’m waiting), before I, finally alone, expel my dark and twisted cable of shite into my hand, and eat it like the candy-bar that it is.
Date Written: April 5, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 4
Comments:
04/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Danko is still at work and just expelled a similarly twisted cable of shite. Didn't eat it though. Thought about it. Didn't do it. I really don't know what to give this short. I'm inclined to rate it highly but I suspect that's just blearyness so will wait till morn. Thank you for listening.
04/9/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): There's something very weird about the tense this is written in. It's like the narrator exists a second before, or after the present. Which would be a great useless superpower. That combined with the ingestion of fecal matter. Everybody wins.
04/9/2004 Craig Lewis: Danko: do you get time-and-a-half?
04/9/2004 Will Disney: right. sure. who hasn't been there?
04/9/2004 scoop (3): I thought it was great until he started eating it. unnecessarily transgrassive and gross. i'm much more troubled by a guy who gives this much attention to a public bowel movement.
04/9/2004 Will Disney: yeah you've got a good point there, scoop.
04/9/2004 qualcomm (4): i didn't think the end was deliberately transgressive. rather, i thought it was rich, chocolatey surprise! "cable" was a revelation.
04/9/2004 qualcomm: in fact, let me further point out that the devouring of the feces was a necessary metaphor for the deep, visceral satisfaction we all derive from working out a doo. this reminds me of a scene from a Bunuel movie that i've only heard about, where everyone sits around the table shitting, but they go to a special room to secretly, lovingly eat food.
04/9/2004 Cabot: I would've preferred 'cabal' of shite.
04/9/2004 anonymous: I'm looking at the twisted cable of a palm tree right now. Hah!
04/9/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4):
04/9/2004 Mr. Pony (4): The last scene of Psycho springs to mind.
04/9/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: The ending is pretty special. I've almost written this short before, butt for the ending. I'm usually not willing to go this far, or I don't think to, which is to this author's credit and my debit.
04/9/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Is this Benny?
04/9/2004 qualcomm: has to be matza.
04/9/2004 John Slocum: The Lerpa: Are you out of your mind? Matza? No way.
04/9/2004 qualcomm: are you being sarcastic, slocum?
04/9/2004 qualcomm: perhaps maniacs.
04/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Are you being sarcastic, The Lerpa?
04/9/2004 John Slocum: I wasn't being sarcastic. Nothing about this says Matza. I'll eat my own cable of turd if it is. I might anyway.
04/9/2004 John Slocum: Are you being sarcastic Danko?
04/9/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Four stars! There's nothing like observational poop jokes capped off with a gross-out poop eating joke. And yes, I'm being sarcastic.
04/10/2004 Jon Matza: Why'd'ja think it was me, brother Lerpa? Just curious. (Egg.)
04/14/2004 mr.coffee (4): Great writing. I unfortunately have to withhold the last star, because Benny took the end, a step too far.
04/26/2004 senator (5): I loved it. I found it entertaining, but eating his poo at the end was a pleasant surprise.
05/22/2004 TheBuyer (4): I do this with noted exception.