AcmeShorts


The hairs that protrude from my nostrils seem to be of a particularly thick and brittle disposition. It is as if they have offered themselves up for removal, knowing that they have gone bad. Once I have pruned these bushy hairs back, I find that the new hairs I seek out and excavate, the ones further up my nose, are healthy, fine, black hairs. Judging from the singing pain which the new hairs offer when plucked, it is obvious to me that these should stay anchored in place. Furthermore, I find that when bitten into, these hairs have a firm, strong, al dente tooth, whereas the unfit hairs (which are colorless) seem to have a consistency of pasty mush, as if water-logged.

In conclusion, I find that plucking aged nostril hair is a painful but satisfying experience. While the nerve at the base of even a deadened root seems to connect directly to some raw nexus of my spinal dendrites, the cathartic act of firmly clamping, then tweezing these hairs, makes me weep like I’m a teenager at a good movie.
Date Written: March 30, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.3333
Comments:
04/5/2004 Ewan Snow (3): I don't believe that the narrator really wonders "if they have offered themselves up for removal, knowing that they have gone bad." I know this seems like a minor point, but this sort of pretend-dimwitted-wondering as literary conceit is annoying. "In conclusion" is sort of funny as is "like I’m a teenager at a good movie" for is un-aptness. Overall, a sub par showing (by The Lerpa?), sorry to say...
04/5/2004 John Slocum (3): I'd rather drink mad dog 20/20 than read this short again trying to figure out why I think it's not very good. Luckily, Snow crystallized my thoughts exactly. What he said.
04/5/2004 John Slocum: Why would you think this is The Lerpa? I think its Maniacs.
04/5/2004 qualcomm: no i didn't write this, though i do agree that plucking aged nostril hair is a painful but satisfying experience.
04/5/2004 qualcomm: based on certain inside info, i think i know who it is.
04/5/2004 Ewan Snow: I thought it might be The Lerpa based on content, not style. I have heard him discuss the important issues of nostril hair (or was it ear hair?) recently.
04/5/2004 Mr. Pony (4): I get these too! Totally colorless, and really thick. I thought it might be my mutant powers manifesting. The thing about feeling sort of choked up when the hair is pulled out is dead on.
04/5/2004 scoop: I remember plucking my first nose hair, the mix of fear and anticipation in my painful, nauseated gut, the butterflies, the shallow breathing, the ability to look forward to something! But I knew eventually it would become rote, something I didn't even feel anymore. Gone are the trips to grandmother's house, the authentic self-loathing, yearning for fame and questions of credibility... man I miss who I was, and hate what I have become. Kurt, I miss you!
04/5/2004 John Slocum: I often sneeze when I pluck my (ample) nose hairs.
04/5/2004 scoop (3): Oh yeah. And The Lerpa you, more than anyone on this site, violates the spirit of the anonymity law. If someone suggests it was you, just shut-up about it. If we all did that it would destroy the whole point of anonymity. Whether you are pro or con anonymity -- the law is the law. If you don't like it be honorable and take some damn hemlock.
04/5/2004 qualcomm: hey f u, scoop. your trying to stifle my posts is like a loaded gun at lady liberty's temple (i.e., dangerous)
04/5/2004 Ewan Snow: Scoop, but I was the one who violated anonymity, or tried to. And is anonymity a "law"? I thought it was a privilege or a responsibility or a burden of a feature or something. Didn't know it was a law. And what's with your Plato references in all ethical matters?
04/5/2004 Mr. Pony: Lady Liberty's temple is made of soft soft copper, which would absorb the impact of a bullet gently and safely.
04/5/2004 scoop: Snow: You just offered a suggestion that it could be The Lerpa. If you knew Jon wrote it, and said as much, that would be violating anonymity. But by merely suggesting it, we're right where we were to begin with. He is one of a set number of people who could have written it. The Lerpa, however, made it clear he wasn't the writer, which is something we didn't know until he made that known. He, of course could be lying. But he never has before on this issue, so there's no reason to think he's doing it now. I'm not defending the merits of anonymity, just noting that if we all did what The Lerpa did then anonymity would be meaningless. As for the use of the word law, I used it loosely as ina a binding custom or practice of a community. Its all those other things you said too. As for the Plato thing, I don't know. The Lerpa: No, F you. And happy Passover.
04/5/2004 Cabot (3):
04/5/2004 Will Disney (4):
04/5/2004 Will Disney: yes happy passover
04/5/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Pony, It depends what kind of gun, and what kind of bullet you are pointing at Lady Liberty's head. And how do you know The Lerpa wasn't referring to the sword bearing, partially clothed revolutionary French woman by the same monniker? I mean a bullet through her head, especially one of those musket balls. Hoo, that's danger exponential! ¡Con Coca Cola!
04/5/2004 Mr. Pony: Isn't she made of marble, or something? I think marble would just crack. It would however, stop the bullet, keeping the rest of the world fairly safe. As for the type of ordinance, I admit I know little about guns and killing.
04/5/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): Yeah, I thought this one was a little long-winded and just overly done. And by the way thanks for making my name a synonym for mediocrity, Slocum - I kind of enjoy the moniker. I can be the new Texxx. Anyway, the author could have just stuck with the conclusion, and that would have been a better, more concise short.
04/5/2004 Mr. Pony: Seriously, does anyone else get these totally clear nose hairs? They look like plastic, or uncooked rice noodles!
04/5/2004 John Slocum: Maniacs: I'm not making your name synonymous with mediocrity - I'll give you no such pleasure. If you look, you'll see I gave 2 of your last 4 shorts 4-stars and enjoyed their excellence a great deal. One of them, I even commented, i felt was a 4.5 (even though that rating doesn't exist and is against the law). However, there was something about this short which reminded me stylistically of your cheney short. I'm sure I'm wrong.
04/5/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Even my dead falling out nose hairs seem to be made of some indestructible fiber. I wish I could have your clear glass noodle nose hairs, Pony. Oh and by the way, You've obviously never been hit with a piece of ricochet marble, so stick to your imaginary cartoon violence. Besides, I thought the danger all related to what would be happening to Lady Liberty, not the world around said Lady.
04/6/2004 Mr. Pony: Cartoon violence is real.
04/6/2004 Benny Maniacs: Slocum + educated guess = not wrong.