Short #854 – AcmeShorts

"Please do not consider my actions impertinent as it is not my intention to traverse the dewy mead of propriety but I have just one wish before I die; it is to make love to you with the rabid ferocity of a canine beast animal!" Giuseppe De Cavalcante was waxing romantic to the replica of Whoopie Goldberg that stands outside Madame Tussauds in Times Square. Without waiting for an answer, Giuseppe pulled his trousers down past his ass and began, by forcible ingress, to discharge his wish from behind. Whoopie began to rock. Guiseppe took off his neck scarf to wipe the sweat from his brow. To the casual observer this would have been a moment frozen in time - something to cherish, a slice of life's comic absurdity - if it wasn't for our country's continued unwillingness to deal with the race issue.

The throngs of torpid tourists lined up outside Applebees next door looked on in horror. Prudence Goodhome from Janesville, Wisconsin muttered something about how there should be laws against that kind of thing. Her companion pointed out that there indeed were and soon Whoopie was lynched from the overhang outside the "museum," her shiny skin reflecting the neon tapestries of a gangrenous age.

Comments:

04/2/2004 Benny Maniacs (3):

04/2/2004 Mr. Pony (3):

04/2/2004 scoop (3): That second graf harshes on my buzz.

04/2/2004 John Slocum (4): The First paragraph is a 5 star short on its own. Some fantastic moments: 'dewy mead of propriety,' 'forcible ingress,' and 'discharge his wish from behind.' Very funny.

04/2/2004 anonymous: Yeah, this kinda sucks. The Lerpa should feel free to flame.

04/2/2004 qualcomm (4):

04/2/2004 anonymous: Ha! It worked!

04/2/2004 qualcomm: whoa. look at those comment post times. jinx! and f u, author.

04/2/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, that was quite a coincidence.

04/2/2004 Mr. Pony: Wait, why would the Lerpa flame this short or its author?

04/2/2004 qualcomm: i don't know. i think the author (dylan) was attempting to induce me to give it an ironic four.

04/2/2004 anonymous: Ha!

04/2/2004 Benny Maniacs: I'm gonna catch up to you, Danko... I'm gonna catch you... I'M. GONNA. CATCH YOU.

04/2/2004 mr.coffee (4):

04/2/2004 Ewan Snow (3): I more or less agree with Slocum on this. The second 'graph detracts.

04/2/2004 Cabot (3): 'Gangrenous age' is the highlight of the second paragraph, but the first alone would've been much better. I think the addition of midwestern naivete/shock is too predictable.

04/2/2004 anonymous: I agree with all of you.

04/2/2004 John Slocum: No, no - the short would have been better with only the first paragraph.

04/2/2004 Jon Matza: You're both wrong. To make the short better, the second paragraph should have been deleted and the first paragraph kept as is.

04/2/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): My only problem with the first "graff" is the word "ass" going along with all the beautiful words. What about "cheeks" or "buttocks"? "Ass" is so pedestrian. It begins to sound like a victorian porn novel. Which is all good in its own right, but, well maybe it's just fine then, considering where this short goes. Never mind.

04/2/2004 qualcomm: I disagree with ALL of you. The only misstep in this short is the last two sentences.

04/2/2004 anonymous: Ok, who wants me to delete the 2nd paragraph raise your hands?

04/2/2004 Dylan Danko: Hmmm, The Lerpa makes an interesting point.

04/2/2004 John Slocum: I disagree with the Lerpa and with Slocum.

04/2/2004 Cabot: Yeah - go with The Lerpa on this one.

04/2/2004 qualcomm: yeah, lynching the wax figure is funny, dammit. don't anyone try to tell me you saw that coming.

04/2/2004 Ewan Snow: Lerpa, do you think the short would be better with the first two sentences of the last 'graph or without the last 'graph altogether? I'm not sure it makes a huge difference, but I think it might be better without.

04/2/2004 qualcomm: last two sentences of the last graf, snow. the lynching is funny, and "gangrenous age" would be a splendid ending phrase.

04/2/2004 Ewan Snow: Forget it. I miscounted the sentences. Not worth explaining...

04/2/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): Yeah, I agree, mostly, with The Lerpa. Mostly.

04/2/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: What about just the last setence of the second? Cutting out the second paragraph makes the ending of the first seem like an odd lead in to nothing.

04/5/2004 Will Disney: yes the first paragraph is stellar, particularly the last sentence.

05/24/2004 TheBuyer (3): I aggree with everyone, fake comments are bullshit.

06/30/2004 scoop: "Buy the latest model Buick, move into the right style of ranch home, make sure your wife is dressed in, you know, in the latest high street fashions - and life will seem better. It's complete mythology, as complete as anything, you know, the ancient Greeks came up with. And it's extremely potent, only most people half believe it. In fact you can say today that we live entirely on a whole system of predictive mythologies that actually are all we have to give our lives any meaning."

03/18/2009 scoop: This deserved better, damn it.