AcmeShorts

"I mean, just because we just met doesn't mean our love isn't real. I mean, in a lot of ways, because we don't know each other our love is totally pure because there's no, like, excess weight that "society" puts on it. This is the best kind of love there is. The kind where you don't even have to think about it because you know, sure as you breathe. Baby, you're the one. That's IT! I'm the one. It's simple! It's true! It's as pure as the rain!"

What the fuck! Ashford Banks was looking down at this midget girl who was totally making a good case for why they were in love. Dwarf. Whatever! It didn't fucking matter because she was totally right! Fuck Society and it's Great Wall of Shame. Fuck his fucking bourgeois fucking parents and their Pottery Barn mores. The middle class is the pock-marked macadam covering the eight fold path to enlightenment! (Or was it just 12 steps?) He was going to marry this little midget girl!

But then he thought about fucking her. Sucking on her fat stubby fingers. Rubbing peppermint foot lotion on her fucked up little baby feet. Massaging her cankles between thumb and forefinger.

It was 4 AM and the light was gray like it always is in paperbacks.

Date Written: February 14, 2004
Author: Dylan Danko
Average Vote: 3.14286
Comments:
02/23/2004 Will Disney (4): this one has a lot of interesting elements.
02/23/2004 Jon Matza (4): 'Cankles' made me recoil even though I don't know what they are.
02/23/2004 Texxx (4): So Ashford's cheating on Simpson?
02/23/2004 scoop (2): I love the last line. I just don't think it fits in this short. I rarely disagree with Matza on matters of taste, but I think this misses the target. I end up feeling pity for a midget I harly knew. And the "Pottery Barn mores" seems like a cheap way to describe a cetain vapid weltanschauung.
02/23/2004 Texxx: Scoop - es gibt hier Leute, die dich nicht verstehen koennen. Auf englisch, bitte.
02/23/2004 Dylan Danko: I agree with Texxx. Who the fuck do you think you are, Scoop? At any rate, it means world view.
02/23/2004 anonymous: Scoop, the last line is from a song.
02/23/2004 scoop: Just a lonely fella trying to make his way through this cold, cold world, Danko.
02/23/2004 Texxx: Is it from an Ashford & Simpson song? Because that would be apropos.
02/23/2004 qualcomm: i don't understand why ashford banks' name is linked to someone named nikolas ashford. is this some kind of crummy joke? is nikolas ashford also known as banks? what the hey? also, just out of curiosity, does the midget need peppermint oil rubbed on her fucked up little baby feet because her compressed midget metatarsals are sore?
02/23/2004 qualcomm (2): also, why does he only think about fucking her as an afterthought? wouldn't that be the first thing that occurs to you when propositioned by a midget? none of this shit makes sense.
02/23/2004 anonymous: I couldn't agree more, Feldspar.
02/23/2004 anonymous: But I don't understand the nikolai comment. The link is to ashford and simpson.
02/23/2004 anonymous: It is my understanding that all girls want their feet rubbed, sore metatarsals or otherwise.
02/23/2004 qualcomm: well, you called him ashford banks. but if you do some research on the page you link to, you'll see that ashford's full name is nikolas ashford, not ashford banks.
02/23/2004 Jon Matza: Scoop's point (Pottery Barn as overly facile shorthand) is well taken. Feldspar raises some worthwhile points as well. I let everyone down, most of all myself. Do not try to console me.
02/23/2004 qualcomm: at least texxx liked it!
02/23/2004 anonymous: Yes, yes the short sucks
02/23/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah, pottery barn is, like, so obvi.
02/24/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): I don't know. I thouhgt it was unclear but funny but midgets and dwarves - I hate to be a stickler - aren't the same thing. I thought pottery barn was good. It's possible that I'm an asshole though.
02/24/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I knew it was you Danko. The Pottery Barn thing. You better look out because your tendencies are all over the place.
02/24/2004 Dylan Danko: What the fuck does that mean?
02/24/2004 scoop: I think it means you're leaking, dude.
02/24/2004 Dylan Danko: Yes. The old anal leak.
02/24/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: It was a reference to something you hate.
02/24/2004 Dylan Danko: I don't have any hateful tendencies, Jimson. Danko is all about letting people be. One gals Pottery barn is another gals Pier One.
01/26/2005 Roland Gift: Brilliant!
03/31/2005 deliciousbrains (3):
10/11/2005 Dylan Danko: Wow, this thing sucks.