AcmeShorts

We were sitting on our fucking throne when the court page ran in. "Sire! Sire!" he shouted. "There's a unicorn in the pear orchard!" "Holy shit!" we said, leaping to our feet. "Everyone grab your dicks!" We raced down to the royal stables and mounted our steed. "Meet us at the pear orchard," we told the page. "Bring Sir Galagor and Sir Crumley." "Yes, sire." "Oh, and page?" "Yes, sire?" We clouted the page over the head with our scepter. "That's for not doing that fruity curtsey thing before speaking to us earlier!" "Yes, sire. Thank you." We rode swiftly to the pear orchard, which was way the fuck over on the other side of the castle. We galloped hither and yon between the fruit trees, and not a unicorn in sight. "That cunting page," we said. "We see no unicorn!" "Sire!" someone said. "I've found it!" It was Sir Crumley. He had dismounted from his steed, and was standing against one of the royal pear trees. He peeked around the trunk, and gestured toward the unicorn in a manner we would be hard pressed not to call gay. That fucking thing was eating one of our pears! "It's just over there, sire," Crumley whispered. "We must be careful, lest we scare--" "We'll be damned to hell if we let a unicorn infestation destroy our pears!" we said, drawing our lance from the saddle sheath. We leveled the weapon and charged. "DIE!" we bellowed. The beast never knew what hit it. It made a stupid noise as our lance pierced its heart. Then it fell to its side, blew out a big load of unicorn shit, and died anon. Sir Crumley and Sir Galagor rode up. "Very sporting," Sir Galagor said. "Who asked you, dickwipe? Sir Crumley!" "Yes, sire!" "Clean this bloody carcass up and have it thrown in the royal midden." "Yes, sire." "Oh, and Crumley?" "Yes, sire?" We clouted him over the head with our scepter. "That's for finding the unicorn first."