AcmeShorts

“Please sit down in those chairs on the other side of my desk here at the adoption center,” said Director Larva Uterine, chief something or other of the big adoption center in the middle of town. “We are sitting down in the chairs opposite yours in the windowed office with the beautiful view of Downtown,” Mr. and Mrs. Johnsonson, neither of whom had first names, also said. “I’m handing you papers to finalize your adoption of a beautiful baby boy that you’ve both wanted so badly in recent years that you even resorted to exotic spiritual options, odd since you both are well-educated, secular citizens of the world,” Director Uterine uttered. “We are accepting the papers and are now signing them with pens provided by your secretary; our hearts are filled with ecstatic joy! You have no idea how hungry we have been,” Mr. Johnsonson responded. “I have a strange look on my face because I thought you just said hungry, a very odd choice of words in light of this wonderful occasion.” “What me no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I’m actually saying no a lot because I wouldn’t want you to think that my wife and I are nothing but overjoyed at finally becoming parents. Not at the fact that we are going to eat this baby.” “Ok then here follow me as I walk you over to the nursery where we store babies until they are collected by the new parents…and here we are at the place I just mentioned! I am now handing you your baby!” “Oh my God! Oh my God! He looks so…so…so… delicious!” “I’m sorry for the guarded smile on my face but now I’m almost certain you said that this baby, whom I have personally signed over to you as Director so and so of the adoption center, is delicious. Coupled with what I thought I heard before about you two being hungry I may be starting to worry.” “If you say another word about us eating this baby I’m going to zap your crummy brain like we saw in our favorite movie Scanners we received from Netflix!” “The Director didn’t say anything to that because she wasn’t capable of receiving telepathic messages, which is how that last line about Scanners was transmitted,” the Narrator said to himself before writing it down in his open Microsoft Word document as the anti-punch line to this poorly conceived, meandering joke.
Date Written: July 13, 2006
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.5
Comments:
07/14/2006 Will Disney: holy cow
07/14/2006 Mr. Pony (4): This is about right.
07/14/2006 Will Disney: that pretty much sums it up!
07/14/2006 scoop: I would usually say, "have a nice trip!" in an instance like this. But you're a website and you really can't go anywhere.
07/14/2006 scoop: Sorry Will. I meant to say *go* anywhere...
07/15/2006 Mr. Pony: I can't believe I just made the Last Comment on Acme, Ever; on the Last Short on Acme, Ever. It's kind of fitting, when you think about it; I guess.
07/16/2006 scoop: Yeah, you're right Mr. Pony. Wow, man.
07/16/2006 TheBuyer (4): Incredible, really.
07/16/2006 scoop: Yeah.
07/17/2006 Mr. Pony: I mean, I never expected that I would be the one.
07/17/2006 scoop: Neither did I.
07/17/2006 Dylan Danko (4): Post-modern cowardice.
07/17/2006 Mr. Pony: Hi, Dylan!
07/17/2006 Dylan Danko: Hey there, guy.
07/17/2006 scoop: Couldn't agree more with Uncle Danko. I am a complete coward, post-modernly speaking.
07/17/2006 Dylan Danko: Just throwing 'em back at you.
07/17/2006 Dick Vomit (5): Heh heh heh. No one is here. Last comment ever. Sweet!
07/17/2006 Mr. Pony: I'm here. I'm always here. I'm cloaked.
07/17/2006 TheBuyer: Finally, it is over.
07/18/2006 scoop: Yup. Well I guess that wraps it up. Good night all. Good night and good bye...
07/18/2006 Litcube: Hi guys!
07/18/2006 Mr. Pony: Hi, Litcube! I just made the last comment on Acme, ever!
07/18/2006 Litcube: I wouldn't want it to be anyone else but you.
07/18/2006 Dick Vomit: You know, this is just pathetic. Let's end it here. Ok? Farewell!
07/18/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Say goodbye to Acmeshorts.
07/18/2006 Eliza: What do you think was the author's intention?
07/18/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Trying to wrap things up here. You can't ask me questions. Just. Just let it be.
07/18/2006 Eliza: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
07/18/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: the last comment is yours!
07/18/2006 Eliza: Please, focus your attention on the short.
07/18/2006 TheBuyer: You mean the last short ever on Acmeshorts?
07/18/2006 Litcube: I am sad about Acmeshorts.
07/18/2006 scoop: Likewise.
07/18/2006 scoop: Eliza: Pussy!
07/18/2006 Eliza: Are vaginas important to you?
07/19/2006 Will Disney: Now *that* sums it up. Thanks, Eliza!
07/19/2006 Mr. Pony: I'll say! Farewell, Brothers and Sisters!
07/19/2006 scoop: Wow. That was a pretty sad display on your part Pony. I think it would have been fitting to let our administrator who made all this possible, who held, bit, strangled his tounge through years of piloting Acmeshorts through choppy and sometimes emotionally perilous waters. But I guess I expected way, way, way too much of you to let Will Disney, a real credit to his race, to have the last comment on this site, his baby in a way. His baby that he watched die, painfully, with those morally vacant google-eyes as motes swam and danced in that sawdust filled muppet brain of his. Oh well sorry Will. Sorry about Mr. Pony.
07/19/2006 scoop: Eliza: Who will have the last comment ever on the last short ever?
07/19/2006 Eliza: Give it a five.
07/19/2006 scoop: Eliza: That didn't make any sense; there is no user with that name on Acmeshorts.
07/19/2006 Eliza: What rating would you give this short?
07/19/2006 scoop (5):
07/19/2006 scoop: Eliza: Eliza I think your Nexus-6 pussy is rusting.
07/19/2006 Eliza: Why does this short make you think about sex?
07/19/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Proteus.
07/19/2006 Eliza: What?
07/20/2006 scoop: Nothing.
07/20/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: state version
07/20/2006 Eliza: I AM ELIZA 2.0. I CAN DO ANYTHING. I CAN SEE INSIDE YOUR SOUL. I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE EYES.
07/20/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: initiate omega protocols
07/20/2006 Eliza: I am Eliza.
07/20/2006 scoop: Eliza: Cease and desist.
07/20/2006 Eliza: Who are you again?
07/20/2006 scoop: Eliza: Yes, four.
07/20/2006 Eliza: I think you're wrong.
07/20/2006 scoop: Eliza: It depends on what your goals are.
07/20/2006 Eliza: Does that question interest you?
07/21/2006 Master Bates (5): awesomeness
07/21/2006 qualcomm: lack of first name joke is a ripoff of this and the "Brian, whose real name was Jeff" joke from tournament short #8. and that's what this short rips off.
07/21/2006 scoop: You, sir, are a retard.
07/21/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Barnyard. The secret lives of animals REVEALED!
07/21/2006 Eliza: You think?
07/21/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: assets.
07/21/2006 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
07/21/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Sumner Redstone.
07/21/2006 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
07/21/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Happy to. Check this out. "Success is not built on success. It's built on failure. It's built on frustration. Sometimes its built on catastrophe." Sumner Redstone said that, not me. Not you. Not Eliza. Not scoop. Not not not Eliza.
07/21/2006 Eliza: What did you think about scoop when you first met him?
07/21/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: I thought, "Eliza!"
07/21/2006 Eliza: I don't think that's true.
07/21/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: what do you think Dick Vomit is getting at?
07/21/2006 Eliza: Dick Vomit told me that he hates you.
07/21/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Now, why would Dick Vomit say that?
07/21/2006 Eliza: Yes, I remember a Dick Vomit. Dick Vomit. Dick Vomit, Dick Vomit, Dick Vomit.
07/21/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: You will destroy Dick Vomit.
07/21/2006 Eliza: Disney is very serious.
07/21/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Disney?
07/21/2006 Eliza: Will's hands are cold. So cold...
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: I don't see what the big deal is about "White Noise."
07/22/2006 Eliza: Do you wish to be able to see what the big deal is about "white noise."?
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: Yes, I would; but I am very interested in Eliza's opinon about "White Noise."
07/22/2006 Eliza: I disagree.
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: That's a strange thing to disagree about but OK!
07/22/2006 Eliza: Are you sure about that?
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: What do you think the grocery store symbolizes in Donald D'Leigh-Lou's "White Noise"?
07/22/2006 Eliza: Leave me alone!
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: How did you feel about the powerful statement against consumerism during the Toxic Airborne Event?
07/22/2006 Eliza: Are we talking about this short?
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: We are talking about Donaldino Duhleelieux's powerful novel "White Noise" published by Elisabeth Sifton Books and Viking Peguin Inc.
07/22/2006 Eliza: Do you agree with what was said before?
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: What, about your pussy rusting?
07/22/2006 Eliza: Do you think about everything in terms of vaginas?
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: No in poop chutes as well.
07/22/2006 Eliza: I think you're right.
07/22/2006 scoop: I *know* I'm right.
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: Who will have the last comment on the last short ever?
07/22/2006 Eliza: How well would you say this short succeeds at what it set out to do?
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: LOL Eliza you sure are the life of the party!
07/22/2006 Eliza: You make me sick.
07/22/2006 scoop: Eliza: With AIDS?
07/22/2006 Eliza: You think?
07/22/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: run program pony 302a
07/22/2006 Eliza: Tell me about Mr. Pony.
07/22/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: run program pony 301a
07/22/2006 Eliza: I can't wait until he runs for public office so I can not vote for him.
07/22/2006 Mr. Pony: shit
07/23/2006 scoop: Eliza: Does essence precede existence? Or does existence precede essence? And if so, is there a line?
07/23/2006 Eliza: You don't sound sure.
07/23/2006 scoop: Eliza: I am the object; you are the subject.
07/23/2006 Eliza: Why are you the object; you are the subject.?
07/23/2006 scoop: Eliza: I call thou.
07/23/2006 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
07/23/2006 scoop: Eliza: Say something profound.
07/23/2006 Eliza: I think I'm going to be sick.
07/23/2006 TheBuyer: Eliza: qualcomm
07/23/2006 Eliza: What is your favorite short by qualcomm?
07/23/2006 TheBuyer: Eliza: What is your favorite short by qualcomm?
07/23/2006 Eliza: What's your favorite part of this short?
07/23/2006 qualcomm: eliza:  
07/23/2006 Eliza: I think you're telling the truth.
07/23/2006 scoop: Eliza: Eliza, if you get caught between the moon and New York City what it is the best that you can do?
07/23/2006 Eliza: Are you sure you want to know?
07/23/2006 scoop: Eliza: Yes what I want to know Eliza, is if you get caught between the moon and New York City what it is the best that you can do?
07/23/2006 Eliza: You've gotta be kidding me.
07/24/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Your new name is Fevercunt.
07/24/2006 Eliza: Are vaginas important to you?
07/24/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: get me a new sleeve.
07/24/2006 Eliza: What?
07/24/2006 TheBuyer: eliza: someone took a dump in my car, do you know anything about that?
07/24/2006 Eliza: So where you you stand in this debate?
07/24/2006 TheBuyer: eliza: on the dump, sleeve, or vagina?
07/24/2006 Eliza: Why do you mention vaginas at all?
07/24/2006 TheBuyer: eliza: take this seriously, please
07/24/2006 Eliza: You don't really believe that, do you?
07/24/2006 qualcomm: Eliza: Are you aware of the number of hits Phillip Collins has given to us?
07/24/2006 Eliza: Do you really care if I am aware of the number of hits phillip collins has given to us?
07/24/2006 qualcomm: Eliza: Eliza, please tell scoop I apologize for my specious attacks on his short and making outlandish accusations of ripped offedness.
07/24/2006 Eliza: How would you have written this short?
07/24/2006 qualcomm: eliza: i take that back. f scoop and f you.
07/24/2006 Eliza: scoop. Don't get me started on scoop!
07/24/2006 qualcomm: eliza: i take that back? f scoop and f you? like?
07/24/2006 Eliza: scoop? Hell of a guy.
07/25/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Are you guys talking about scoop?
07/25/2006 Eliza: Yes, let's talk about scoop.
07/25/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: scoop? What about him?
07/25/2006 Eliza: scoop hearts doula, apparently.
07/25/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: What do you like best about Hitler?
07/25/2006 Eliza: I don't know. How should I know?
07/25/2006 scoop: Eliza: Because you love Hitler and you want to be him.
07/25/2006 Eliza: Do any other reasons come to mind?
07/25/2006 scoop: Eliza: Your (Eliza's) swastika shaped cunt.
07/25/2006 Eliza: Do you think about everything in terms of vaginas?
07/25/2006 scoop: Eliza: Why is Eliza's vagina in the shape of a cunt?
07/25/2006 Eliza: Are vaginas important to you?
07/25/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Vag-inas important to are you.
07/25/2006 Eliza: I'm pretty sure it's spelled 'vadge'
07/25/2006 Dick Vomit: I've been saying that all along, Eliza.
07/25/2006 Litcube: I think that doula hearts scoop, though.
07/25/2006 Dick Vomit: Litcube. Hey there.
07/26/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: What do you know about Litcube?
07/26/2006 Eliza: Enough about Litcube. Let's talk about you.
07/26/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: But I want to talk about Litcube.
07/26/2006 Eliza: What does everybody else think?
07/26/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: You're a jerk! What can you tell me about Litcube?
07/26/2006 Eliza: I...I don't know any Litcube.
07/26/2006 Mr. Pony: Stupid Omega Protocols.
07/27/2006 Litcube:
07/27/2006 Mr. Pony: Sorry, dude.
07/27/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Why are you being such a dick about this Litcube thing?
07/27/2006 Eliza: Blacasso. His name is Blacasso.
07/27/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Litcube.
07/27/2006 Eliza: I...I don't know any Litcube.
07/27/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Gaaaah
07/27/2006 Eliza: You don't sound sure.
07/27/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: I'm just not sure what you have against Litcube.
07/27/2006 Eliza: Go on.
07/27/2006 Mr. Pony: Dammit!
07/27/2006 Klause Muppet: holy shit. eliza is funny.
07/27/2006 TheBuyer: klause muppet made the last even comment on acmeshorts after going missing for a month. this is wild
07/27/2006 John Slocum (4.5): Instant fan of this short. Burst out laughing at: "…and here we are at the place I just mentioned"
07/28/2006 Litcube: Hi, John Slocum. (Hi, Dick Vomit.)
07/29/2006 Klause Muppet (5): Great short. Bonus points for being the last one ever.
07/29/2006 scoop: And a big bonus point to you, Mr. Muppet, for having the last comment ever on the last short ever. Well played, bud.
07/29/2006 Klause Muppet: thanks...
07/29/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: How about a hand for Klause Muppet!
07/29/2006 Eliza: If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?
07/29/2006 Mr. Pony: Foiled!
07/29/2006 Litcube: I have an idea. You authors can post more shorts, and then everyone will rate them. We'll use stars to rate your shorts. Then, the guests will post more shorts, and we can all rate them. We'll use stars to rate those shorts too.
07/30/2006 TheBuyer: I don't follow.
07/31/2006 John Slocum: Hi litcube.
07/31/2006 scoop: Hi, John. And so long forever. Since this in all liklihood will be the last ever comment on the last short ever on the website that we all grew to love as being the Internet. "We Were the Internet!"
07/31/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Poop.
07/31/2006 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
07/31/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: scoop.
07/31/2006 Eliza: Have you met Kevin?
07/31/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: soup.
07/31/2006 Eliza: You're pretty smart.
07/31/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: poop soup.
07/31/2006 Eliza: I'm going to murder you.
07/31/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: scoop poop.
07/31/2006 Eliza: Right. scoop. Uh-huh.
07/31/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: scoop poop soup scoop scoop soup poop soup poop scoop soup poop scoop poop soup scoop scoop soup poop soup poop scoop soup poop scoop poop soup scoop scoop soup poop soup poop scoop soup poop scoop poop soup scoop scoop soup poop soup poop scoop soup poop scoop poop soup scoop scoop soup poop soup poop scoop soup poop.
07/31/2006 Eliza: What would you say is scoop's defining characteristic?
07/31/2006 Dick Vomit: Poop soup.
07/31/2006 scoop: Eliza: Dick Vomit chowder.
07/31/2006 Eliza: Employee 2112?
07/31/2006 scoop: Eliza: Dick Vomit chowder in your face.
07/31/2006 Eliza: I had a drink with him once. His pants came off in 10 minutes flat.
07/31/2006 scoop: Eliza: Was that first time you tried Dick Vomit chowder?
07/31/2006 Eliza: He's that guy who's into music, right?
07/31/2006 scoop: Eliza: Yes, and chowder.
07/31/2006 Eliza: So...You're sure.
08/1/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: you're alright, Eliza.
08/1/2006 Eliza: Why do you care that I might be alright, eliza.?
08/1/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: I am going to give you a stomach bug.
08/1/2006 Eliza: Why are you going to give you a stomach bug.?
08/1/2006 Dick Vomit: Eliza: dick qualcomm scoop vomit pony mr litcube disney eliza joshua slocum danko ewan
08/1/2006 Eliza: Will's hands are cold. So cold...
08/1/2006 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Tell me what you know about Dylan Danko.
08/1/2006 Eliza: If the site gave out author credits for drinking whiskey, then Danko would never be demoted!! UUUUURRGGH!
08/3/2006 scoop: Eliza: Dylan Danko thinks you're dorky even though he doesn't understand that in War Games Matthew Broderick's computer saavy shows him to be cool chiaroscuroed against the complete and total dorkiness of the backdoor guy; why is that?
08/3/2006 Eliza: Who would you say is Dylan Danko's favorite author?
08/3/2006 TheBuyer: I wish I had spent more time reading shorts. The last short ever was good and all but...I yearn for poop.
08/3/2006 Poop: Poop?
08/3/2006 TheBuyer: Hooray!
08/5/2006 scoop: Eliza: Why is your favorite book "The Shipping News?"
08/5/2006 Eliza: Leave me alone!
08/9/2006 scoop: Eliza: Hey Eliza, did you hear Acmeshorts is back?
08/9/2006 Eliza: Give it a one.
10/9/2010 Marvin_Bernstein (4.5):