Short #2417 – AcmeShorts

Everyone just cut the shit. You there, watching sports on television: you are a dickless faggot. Either play the game or don’t play the game, you unoriginal loser. None of this halfway crap. Oh, oh, the man propelled the ball farther and more accurately than I could! Homo. And you: reading your goddamned contemporary literature. Didn’t you hear me? I said cut the shit. Ugh, you miserable sponge brain. Oh, oh, Jonathan Safran Foer just expressed himself with an overcooked metaphor that I was smart enough to understand! I HATE YOU. Stop following politics, too, you fucking insects. And caring about your smelly loved ones, and having hobbies, and desiring hyped cunt. Oh, oh, I wonder what matter is doing this month! Your collective effort is like loud Puerto Rican music. Please just shut the fuck up for one second. Please. You fucking, fucking assholes.

Comments:

01/19/2006 Dylan Danko: A frank and altogether disquieting trip through the mind of one of acme's most banal psychopaths. 4 Stars!

01/19/2006 Dylan Danko (1):

01/19/2006 anonymous: oh, oh, i use the word banal, therefore i know what i'm talking about!

01/19/2006 Dylan Danko: Sorry author, that "b" is a typo. Please give us your feelings on Shakespeare and if you can spare a bit more time I'm sure we'd all like to know your thoughts on the quality of peaches in Brooklyn. Interesting stuff!

01/19/2006 anonymous: oh, oh, the author of this short is anal! oh, i made a funny joke! oh, i wonder why i have lower ratings than half the guest authors!?

01/19/2006 Dylan Danko: It is my understanding that you've managed to affect any number of unique opinions on so many different things. Sounds refreshing!

01/19/2006 anonymous: oh, oh, it's my opinion that the author has no distance at all on what he's written here! he obviously buys into everything he's saying here with no irony whatsoever. oh, that's what makes me such an incisive reader, my subtle grasp of nuance!

01/19/2006 Dylan Danko: I too have no distance at all on what I'm writing here. Author, how dare you miss the irony in my comments. I understand you find Italian wines sub-par. No??? Tell me more!!!!

01/19/2006 anonymous: actually, just certain overpriced italian wines foisted on unsuspecting yes-men by certain sommeliers. i think this wine is corked, by the way.

01/19/2006 Dylan Danko: Your dishonesty is galling. How dare you call Slocum a sommelier.

01/19/2006 Litcube: I will not be able to vote on this.

01/19/2006 Daphne (3): He's right. All of us should take more of an interest in our local, state, and federal governments.

01/19/2006 Will Disney: this is qc, right? .5 stars!

01/19/2006 TheBuyer: I'm just going to go ahead and cut the shit if that's okay.

01/20/2006 Why Are 9 Out Of 10 Girls Giant Slamhogs Questionm (3.5):

01/20/2006 qualcomm (5):

01/24/2006 scoop: Eliza: Are you there?

01/24/2006 Eliza: Why should you care if I am there?

01/24/2006 scoop: Eliza: Because I wanted to ask you something.

01/24/2006 Eliza: Could this be your fault, probably?

01/24/2006 scoop: Eliza: That is a very strange thing to assign blame to, don't youn think?

01/24/2006 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?

01/24/2006 scoop: Eliza: I was wondering, do you think you could pass the Turing test?

01/24/2006 Eliza: Wow, that's really insightful.

01/24/2006 scoop: Eliza: You've become a real jerk you know that?

01/24/2006 Eliza: How did you get so smart?

01/30/2006 Dylan Danko: 3 more stars