AcmeShorts

A BALLOON MAN stands clutching a large bouquet of balloons. He wears a rumpled hat and a mustache containing wisdom and crumbs. BALLOON MAN Extry, extry. Balloons here, get your balloons! A MOTHER and her young DAUGHTER come strolling by. The DAUGHTER is horrified by the BALLOON MAN. DAUGHTER Ahhhhhhh! Mommy, Mommy, a Balloon Man, a terrible, terrible Balloon Man! MOTHER Damn it! Listen you. Don’t embarrass me in public. (Turns to the BALLOON MAN) I’ m really sorry about this. BALLOON MAN Oh that’s okay, miss. I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it, did you. MOTHER It’s just that ever since she was molested by a balloon man last year she has become unacceptably intolerant of all balloon men. Haven’t you? I said haven’t you? DAUGHTER Yes, mother. MOTHER What have I told you about racism? DAUGHTER You said that racism is incompatible with the aspirations of a diverse society and that it is unacceptable to judge an entire people based on the actions of one person. MOTHER That’s right. DAUGHTER But Mom, Balloon Man isn’t a color. MOTHER You’re really turning into the worst kind of racist. Can you watch her for a sec? BALLOON MAN Sure thing miss, sure thing. Come here little lady, your mother’s right – not all Balloon Men are bad. The BALLOON MAN takes DAUGHTER to a bench where they both sit down, his balloons in tow. BOYS ON BIKE - Hey Balloon Man, it was flushed for sure! - You were right Balloon Man. It’s a goner. - You’re the man – the Balloon Man! DAUGHTER What…what are they talking about? BALLOON MAN They’re talking about my balloons little one (looks around and whispers) they’re magic! DAUGHTER Magic? BALLOON MAN Yes, whenever you pop one of my balloons something very special happens? DAUGHTER What? BALLOON MAN Well, whenever someone pops one of my balloons, a woman, somewhere out there in this big beautiful spinning planet of ours… DAUGHTER Yeah?! What? What? BALLOON MAN Somewhere out there a mother, or an “almost mommy” as I am fond of calling them, makes the decision to have an abortion. DAUGHTER An a-bor-tion? BALLOON MAN That’s when a woman who has a baby growing in her tummy, decides to have that unwanted baby go away. DAUGHTER Why would she do that? BALLOON MAN Oh, for plenty of reasons. Health. Rape. Convenience. Spite. DAUGHTER But aren’t abortions, you know, bad? BALLOON MAN (Laughing, patting DAUGHTER on her head) No little one. They are protected under the law of the land. As for me, while I love precious little children, I deeply loathe the unborn. Come on! Who designed those things H.R. Geiger? Remember, there is only life little one, life, and abortions. DAUGHTER Do you think someday I’ll have an abortion too? BALLOON MAN Maybe, with a little luck, a little prayer, and you find the right balloon, then someday you too will now the magic of an abortion!