AcmeShorts

Unbeknownst to them, an afterlife awaits all of the many pets who pass through my ownership. Oh, I don’t mean some supernatural plane where their souls will sojourn for eternity. I’m talking about the two Plexiglas tanks I maintain (at no inconsiderable expense!) in my basement. One of them, let’s call it Heaven, is filled with a warm saline-opiate solution. Into this tank are dumped the revivified brains of each and every one of the animals that have brought me satisfaction and joy. These animals experience decades of blissful oblivion. The other tank, “Hell,” bubbles with a feverish bath of saline and various proprietary reagents designed to cause distress to CNS neurons. Into this tank are dumped the brains of those animals who have displeased me, where they spend their extra-corporeal lives in a nightmarish haze of pain and fear. Never mind that the rules governing who goes to Hell and who to Heaven are beyond the comprehension of these pitiful beasts, nor that said rules are completely arbitrary and subject to change at my whim. Every scrap of food my animals consume is owed to me, every electric storm spent under my roof another unpaid debt. For those whom I have allowed to procreate, the very survival of their genetic line is thanks to my infinite beneficence. In short, as far as these chattle are concerned, I am the measure of all that is Good. To displease me in any way is therefore, by definition, Evil. All praise Me.