AcmeShorts

It often passed through genteel circles of Cavenmoor that Francine Mollycoddle was as fat of frame as her face was ugly. Her disposition, it was noted, seemed to forsake all the proper refinements and civilities suggested by her station. In her united all things unseemly and coarse. Her diction was unpolished, she lacked any sort of social temper, she scowled at parishioners at Sunday mass and when she walked among the market-goers, her redolence offended even the fishmonger.

Mollycoddle was a name of consequence in Cavenmoor. Father Mollycoddle’s peerage stretched as far back as Ethelred the Useless and the additions to his already considerable estate were the products of a highly fortunate marriage. Francine’s brother and sister, though similarly unattractive, were so good natured and such pleasing conversationalists that neither lacked for all manner of companionship. So to the good people of the town, Francine Mollycoddle’s existence was distasteful and avoiding her was a local past time.

Then one day she met a spotty young man on short leave from the county militia who was just as fat and ugly as she was. That night she experienced the wondrous, fitful rhythms of life’s most sublime secret. After that everyone agreed that she was much more likeable but no one knew how long it would last.

Date Written: March 31, 2003
Author: Dylan Danko
Average Vote: 4.1111
Comments:
03/31/2003 anonymous (5):
03/31/2003 anonymous (4):
03/31/2003 anonymous (4):
03/31/2003 anonymous (5):
03/31/2003 anonymous (1):
04/3/2003 Will Disney (4): when i started reading this one i thought it was going to be kinda bad but it turned out to be pretty good. how about that!
02/2/2004 Jon Matza (4): I've heard "it's been done before" about this short but I'm not sure I agree, or have seen evidence of this. Also, so what? It's well-executed. 4 1/2 stars. (I'll add 1/2 star to a future borderline Danko short).
02/3/2004 Dylan Danko: Thanks Matza. I too have wondered what Feldspar was on about when he said that this had been done before. Sour grapes about something, I imagine.
02/4/2004 qualcomm: yeah, it's not only been done, it just doesn't make persons of substance laugh. i think its main problem is that it's too close to the type of thing it's making fun of. basically, the only thing that separates this from an actual trollope (or some such cunt) passage is "ethelred the useless". so it's a good mimic, but who cares? show me the funny, danko.
02/5/2004 qualcomm: and come on, matza, you hold yourself up as a paragon of fair voting. this is clearly a friendly four. a little of the old brookline (sp?) secret handshake, i'd say...
02/5/2004 Jon Matza: Maybe this short rubs a little too close to the bone for you, Feldspar? (e.g., fishmongers, county militias, pleasing conversationalists, sublime secret)?
02/5/2004 qualcomm: perhaps you're right.
02/5/2004 Dylan Danko: Friendly four?? Come on Feldspar, where's that objectivity you brag about? I've seen you give 5 stars to shit worse than this.
02/5/2004 qualcomm: it would behoove you to defend your short based on its own merits, not on the vagaries of my voting technique.
02/5/2004 Dylan Danko: My short speaks for itself. You call them vague, I call them deliberately sinsiter. You are one evil motherfucker. And by the way, where has it been done? Oh, and this is not Trollope this is Austin. I thought you didn't like homo?
02/5/2004 Texxx: Not to sound more homo, but I will proffer this: it's Austen, not Austin.
02/5/2004 qualcomm: the nineteenth century brit lit thing has been done in these three shorts (and these are just mine, i'm sure you could find others).
1
2
3

now, granted, i didn't extend the joke as tediously as you did, but the trope is old. i'm not saying that no one's allowed to write in this format since it has been done, but as i said before, i think your piece is too close to the source. the jokes are flat. perhaps you'll call them dry. ok.
02/5/2004 Dylan Danko: So it doesn't get anything for being a good mimic? I prefer subtle to dry and certainly to flat. This is the Martin/Kingsley debate, Jon, writ small. You like glossy. I mean homo.
03/12/2004 anonymous (5): This is a very good short.
05/23/2004 John Slocum: Here's a secret handshake for you, 5 if 'em!
05/24/2004 John Slocum: oops! forgot to vote.
05/24/2004 John Slocum: why is this not working?
05/24/2004 qualcomm: it's a new feature i installed as acting site administrator: no five star votes for clear-cut shitters.
05/24/2004 Dylan Danko: The Lerpa wins. Danko's spirit is crushed by the Boss Tweed tactics of our temporary site administrator.
05/24/2004 scoop: Danko's spirit is crushededer, is more lie it.
05/24/2004 Not Lisa (5): Good work
05/24/2004 John Slocum: I'll try again
05/24/2004 John Slocum: and again
05/24/2004 John Slocum: The Lerpa: you have no right, you are not god.
11/1/2004 John Slocum: asdf