AcmeShorts

It was men’s basketball. The ball was a little bigger than the one used in the women’s game. Maybe the baskets should be raised? The jerseys were sewn a little differently – the arm holes were much larger to make the men more comfortable on the court and to promote people looking in. The game started without a hitch. Lots of cheering from the sell-out crowd. There was a lot of hype surrounding this one, what with the television promotions and all. There was something to be said for it all. The players would dribble expertly, shooting either line-drives or high arching jumpers to huge fanfare. Some shots would go in; others would not. One of the better players (I believe) dribbled the ball off his foot midway through the 3rd quarter. A pair of gay men shared some cotton candy toward one of the second-tier entryways. The final score of the game was relatively close. Patrons left the game with dull, wistful faces.
Date Written: July 29, 2005
Author: Mr. Critic
Average Vote: 1.25
Comments:
08/1/2005 Will Disney: QC, it's 9:08am, shouldn't you have called copycat by now?
08/1/2005 The Rid: Note: The author has marked this short as "inside."
08/1/2005 Jon Matza: Wow...someone republished a controversial old short! This mindblowing reconceptualization forced me to re-experience the same text in a historically different context, thereby challeging some of my most fundamental assumptions about myself as a reader, the permanency of literature...even meaning itself!
08/1/2005 Jon Matza (1): (you fucking pocket-packet of Softique facial tissues)
08/1/2005 anonymous: In my defense, there were zero shorts in the queue. I thought I'd take a universally vilified short (yours truly doesn't like it much, either) and see if the same effect was achieved by reversing the gender and leaving the last line the same. Apparently, it worked.
08/1/2005 qualcomm: i'd hardly call a short with a 3.25 rating (from 12 votes) universally vilified.
08/1/2005 scoop: If I may be so bold, Matza, I believe you are confusing a reconceptualization with an inverted double reverse twisting deconstructexutualization, reinternalized in a temporally-adjusted subtext. But hey, common mistake. No biggie.
08/1/2005 The Rid: Perhaps the author meant "a short which sparked so much debate."
08/1/2005 qualcomm: perhaps you did at that
08/1/2005 anonymous: Yes! That's what I meant!
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: any chicks in here wanna party?
08/1/2005 Eliza: That is quite interesting.
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: I'm going to give you this corn because I love you very much.
08/1/2005 Eliza: What other reasons might there be?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Your entire system of language is a halting series of frightened whimpers.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Do you feel intense psychological stress right now?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Like you wouldn't believe.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: That depends, how much money do you have on you?
08/1/2005 Eliza: Have you asked anyone else?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Just Honus Wagner.
08/1/2005 Eliza: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Honus Wagner. He broke Walter Payton's consecutive wins streak at the Masters.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: I'm not sure anybody understands scoop fully.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Did you come to me because you are not sure anybody understands scoop fully.?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: to make (as a liquid) clear or pure usually by freeing from suspended matter.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: I came to you because I am looking for some hot chicks who want to cyber and I was hoping YOU wanted to party, you SLUT.
08/1/2005 Eliza: What do you think?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: I am trying but matter and freedom are conspiring against me.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Why are you trying but matter and freedom are conspiring against me.?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: They trying you matter and freedom against you too?
08/1/2005 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: I am plagued with a mighty bothersomeness.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Do you believe it is normal to be plagued with a mighty bothersomeness.?
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: I have a problem with turgid genitals.
08/1/2005 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Come on, lady, that's too easy.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: It suggests Turgidus Genitalii.
08/1/2005 Eliza: I see.
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: do you ever wish you could become pure white noise?
08/1/2005 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: He means like SHHHHHHZZZZZZZZZZZKKKKKT!
08/1/2005 Eliza: I see.
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Do you find the physical form a pesty restraint from pursuing cleaner spiritual recreations?
08/1/2005 Eliza: I see.
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Dick Vomit is afraid of the noise.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: He has an unnatural dependence on his flesh.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: He is a slave, molecularly speaking.
08/1/2005 Eliza: That is quite interesting.
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Well, I am a very interesting person, with a fascinating collection of odors.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: My favorite is Electrolux vacuum cleaner exhaust.
08/1/2005 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Utopia.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Did you love the corn?
08/1/2005 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: What of corn?
08/1/2005 Eliza: Have you asked such questions before?
08/1/2005 scoop: Eliza: Only to people I love. I think a lot about killing myslef.
08/1/2005 Eliza: That is quite interesting.
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: I've cored the assholes of a thousand men and filled my tub with them, like pink and brown Cheerios.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Would I have repeated the act 1,000 time if I weren't "ok" with it?
08/1/2005 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Work is really getting in the way.
08/1/2005 Eliza: That is quite interesting.
08/1/2005 qualcomm: eliza: please don't answer me out of your psychiatrist bag. we're just two people talking.
08/1/2005 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
08/1/2005 qualcomm: eliza: http://teencunt.com
08/1/2005 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
08/1/2005 qualcomm: eliza: cunt
08/1/2005 Eliza: I see.
08/1/2005 qualcomm: eliza: why are you such a bitch, bitch?
08/1/2005 Eliza: Does that question interest you?
08/1/2005 qualcomm: eliza: is profanity really necessary?
08/1/2005 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
08/1/2005 qualcomm: eliza: my testicles itch
08/1/2005 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
08/1/2005 qualcomm: eliza: hi
08/1/2005 Eliza: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: Might I interest you in some Frumunda cheese?
08/1/2005 Eliza: Do you feel intense psychological stress right now?
08/1/2005 Bill W.: When I read this short, I want to drink.
08/1/2005 TheBuyer: Eliza:
08/1/2005 Eliza: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
08/1/2005 scoop: Hey watch out! It's Johnathan Cash. He doesn't play by anybody's rules -- except his own!
08/1/2005 Mr. Pony: I'm so sorry other matters required my attention today, and I missed out on the sweet debate below. Author, it is traditional; after one says "In my defense" to say something in one's defense, rather than simply exclaim that you totally meant to do the embarrassing things people seem to be accusing you of. That said, I'm not sure this modification of qualcomm's favorite guest short of all time does anything for me. Also: The Rid, as noble as it may seem to you right now, I think springing to this author's defense is beneath a guest of your standing. If I were you, I'd distance myself from the author immediately.
08/1/2005 The Rid: A "Guest of your standing"? Hmm...a kind phrase from Pony to me? I'm suspicious. Unless by "a guest of your standing" you mean "a shithead." Then I'm no longer suspicious.
08/1/2005 Mr. Pony: oh, I'm completely serious
08/1/2005 anonymous: The Rid/Mr. Pony, none of this tomfoolery would be necessary if the other guests would WRITE something.
08/1/2005 Mr. Pony (1.5): Listen, Author, I believe that it would be far better to allow Disney's Quality Content Replenishment System to kick in and provide us and our viewers with a classic high-rated guest short than to subject us all to something that you yourself wanted us all to dislike. Please find enclosed the rating I feel this short deserves. Also, if you are suggesting that I am just one of the Rid's aliases; think again.
08/1/2005 anonymous: Mr. Pony, I am not suggesting you and The Rid are the same person. That comment was intended for both of you. The Rid has made some references in the recent past to guests not writing shorts.