"Thanks for doing this on such short notice, Mike," said Dr. Bailey.
"Yes," chimed in Mrs. Bailey, "Jillian canceled a date last week for us, so we didn't want to ask her to do that again."
"It's cool," I said. Cocksuckers. Their kid was okay, though. He slept most of the time. And I needed the money to take out Jeannie Ferraro next Friday. But they also had that tard, Susan. She was weird. What kind of 16-year-old can't watch her own brother?
The Baileys left. I put little Steven down after dinner. Then Susan the Tard came in. Christ.
"Hi, Mike," she said.
"Hi, Tard," I answered.
Her face fell, the dumb bitch. Her eyes were so close together that it was like her left eye was her right eye and her right eye was her left eye.
"I'm not a tard!" she yelled. "I have Down Syndrome!" She ran from the room, crying.
That explained a few things. She was always more eloquent than the average tard, who sounded like, "Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!" whereas Susan could form complete sentences and eat with a knife and fork.
I went up to her room and poked my head in the door. "Hey, Susan," I said. "Sorry I always make fun of you. I shouldn't do that."
"Well, I'm still angry at you."
"How can I make it up to you?"
"You could fuck me."
I blinked. "Huh?"
"Make love to me like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes."
She stood up and approached me, the moonlight bouncing off her elfin ears. I knew I should run, but the way she looked into my eyes so tenderly, I kissed her. She kissed back, and it was good. No elephant tongue or anything, just soft and sweet.
After we made love, I felt something happening to me. Like chromosome 21 was doubling up. "Ack!" I screamed. I ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror. With horror I saw my eyes getting closer together and my ears getting pointier. My brain started slowing down, just a little bit, and I felt a need to wear track suits.
"Susan!" I yelled. "What's happening?"
Susan walked into the bathroom carrying little Steven. She looked normal. Like Kelly Preston, but hotter.
"What is it, Mike?" she asked. "Did you have a bad dream?"
"No!" I said. "What's going on? Why are you like that?"
"Mike, everything's okay. I have to put Steven down, but we can talk about it later before your parents get here. Okay, tard?"
My elf ears pricked up. "What?"
She smirked and I saw a glimmer of evil in her eyes. "I said, 'Okay, tard?' You think you could hear with those extra pointy ears." She cackled as she left the bathroom.
I looked in the mirror and started sobbing uncontrollably.
Date Written: July 25, 2005 Author:The Rid Average Vote: 4.3
Comments:
07/27/2005Partytime (4): I dig this unpretentious modern day Grimm's fairytale thing.
07/27/2005Will Disney: A guy has to be careful these days. I liked this one, but must re-read because of all the words.
07/27/2005Mr. Pony (4): I'm not saying that this is without problems. There are a lot of potential characters introduced early on. The smirk behind the track suits joke. And what exactly does the doubling of chromosome 21 feel like? But these are minor concerns. I liked this story.
07/27/2005The Rid: Is this a lost episode from "Life Goes On"? Is that the show?
07/27/2005Mr. Pony: The one with Chris and Bob Elliot?
07/27/2005The Rid: I think that was "Get a Life."
07/27/2005Klause Muppet: Author, this short made me feel sick to my stomach.
07/27/2005TheBuyer: I'm with Klause, we should be concentrating on other disabled people like minorities and fags, all these retard jokes are killing the genre.
07/27/2005Litcube: Re this short: I'm 1 hour away from hangin' by the pool with a retardedly hot chick from work.
07/27/2005Klause Muppet: Don't disclose too much Litcube. I'm listening.
07/27/2005Litcube: It's just the names, dude. What's in a name?
07/27/2005TheBuyer: Does D.Syndrome typically cause a person to have elfy ears, or is this some kind of...I want to say mage-tard but that's not the word I'm looking for.
07/27/2005qualcomm: i believe the term is retard/cleric, buyer
07/27/2005TheBuyer: Right, thanks.
Does D.Syndrome typically cause a person to have elfy ears, or is this some kind of retard/cleric buyer?
07/27/2005anonymous: I continue to leave that unexplained, buyer.
07/27/2005Jawbreaker (4): Wow... 2 shorts in one day that made me vote!
07/27/2005Klause Muppet: Interesting comment, Buyer. A physical characteristic of down syndrome is abnormally shaped ears, but I'm not a 100% sure about the elfish type. I know there is another developmental disability (less common than down syndrome) that does create elfish type ears. I think it's an off shoot of downs. Hmmm...
07/28/2005Litcube (4.5): Well done, Rid. This was osim. One of your better ones. Tightly wrapped story, here.
07/28/2005The Rid: Thank you, Litcube.
07/29/2005Kenji X (5): This is fucking ART you Philistines, ART Goddamnit. Revenge is a dish best served 'tarded. Fuck it, five.
Does D.Syndrome typically cause a person to have elfy ears, or is this some kind of retard/cleric buyer?