AcmeShorts

“This,” Dave whispered, pausing with a showman’s instincts, “is where the magic happens.” He tilted his head slyly, and shot Jennifer a knowing wink. They were standing at the threshold of his second-floor bedroom in his townhouse. Jennifer blushed. “Wow, I don’t doubt it,” she smiled, knowinglier. The two young lovers stared at each other for maybe a second too long. They eventually broke the tension with an awkward laugh. They turned around and headed back downstairs to the living room where they fucked and watched some TV. Later that night… Dave sat cross legged on his bed. The mattress was covered with his Doug Henning sheets. He commissioned them back in ’84 after he saw Henning live at Constitution Hall. Hell of a show. His picture of another hero, David “Mother Fucking” Copperfield, hung above the four-poster bed, itself a type of magic – the magic of holography. Dave’s orange sequined unitard clung to his gaunt mesmerist frame with what to the naked eye appeared to be magic. But it was actually the product of expert Korean craftsmanship. Dave’s head undulated as it were fixed to a swivel. His hands fluttered about gracefully as he moved three walnut shells around in a jumble. As he did, one eye appeared to bulge out of his head, and it was always the eye, furthest from you. Maybe it really was magic. I don’t know. Beneath one of the shells was a pea. No matter how hard you tried, you could never figure out how he always made that pea end up the where you least expected it. The room was empty. After fucking, Jennifer had gone home. Dave, or “Dave the Awesome” as he referred to himself in these quiet moments, as usual, practiced his good magic alone, training in the White arts, preparing for that inevitable day when Van Zyskind and his dastardly minions would some day unleash their villainous brand of wizardry on the good people of Tyson Corner and other burgeoning neighborhoods of suburban Virginia. “Take that, Van Zyskind,” Dave shouted throwing his arms haphazardly over his head, his hands frozen into claws. And in a shimmering cloud of purple mist, Dave disappeared. He didn’t know it then, but two months later Dave would use the same trick to make Jennifer’s unwanted pregnancy disappear. Poof!