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If you grew up on the East Coast, chances are your wife or girlfriend has fond memories of the majestic chestnut tree next to the Dorsey High football field bleachers in DuPont, New Jersey. That’s because more suburban high school girls have finger fucked each other under its branches than any other tree currently standing along the Eastern Seaboard.

The dank, musky soil under the tree—enriched by decades of secreted vag nectar—is highly prized by local farmers and military personnel alike. Stories of illegal midnight soil raids led by specially trained Sweet Vag Nectar Sniffing Canines (SVNSCs) abound.

For decades the Dorsey town council has held debates as to why this tree seems to stir so many same-sex urges within their daughters’ vag-canals, and why these urges so often manifest themselves in the form of mutual fingering-based lez out sessions. There are two main schools of thought on the matter. The first holds that the tree itself looks like a pussy. The second posits a hypothetical Indian burial ground nearby, like in the Shining, whose otherworldly inhabitants compel the young women of Dorsey (who reside just at the cusp of adulthood) to insert two fingers up each other's overflowing quims as did their teenage Indian squaw counterparts of yesteryear.

To give you an example of just how much finger fucking happens under the tree, a 16 year old field hockey player named Jessica Terry and her friend Sarah Stevenson (who also happens to be my daughter) are pleasuring each other even as I write these words. They're really going at it, too! Their fingers smell like 2-day old halibut.