AcmeShorts

"Well, Mr. Negative, is your wife negative, too?"

"Yeah, Francine Negative. What the fuck is it to you?"

The doctor gave Mr. Negative a look.

Mr. Negative reached forward and grabbed the doctor by the throat. "God damn you, it's a fucking urban legend, right?"

The doctor shoved Negative away. "No. It's a statistic. A fact."

And then it happened. In that way. You know. Mr. Negative threw his head back like Keanu in Point Break or Darth Vader in Episode III.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

-----

Mr. Negative walked through the front door of his home. His wife rushed up to him. "Well, you piece of human garbage, what did the doctor say?"

And the tears came forth, unfettered, in a cascade like someone had opened the sluice and all that built-up pressure was released. Mr Negative wailed like a little girl with a skinned knee.

Mr. and Mrs. Negative's son walked into the parlor.

"What is it, Daddy?" asked the little boy. He reached up and pulled on his father's pant leg. "What is it?"

Mr. Negative cried, the tears subsiding for just a moment. "Son..." he said, "My son."

"It's going to be okay, Daddy. I love you," said the little boy.

Mr. Negative fell to his knees and threw his arms around the boy. "I love you, too, you stupid little cunt. I love you, too."

The corner's of the boy's mouth turned up and he beamed his little smile.

POST SCRIPT

Mrs. Negative said, "You know we're not so negative as we are assholish, right? I mean, you get that, don't you?"

Mr. Negative snarled at his wife. "Whatever, you twat."
Date Written: May 14, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 4.27778
Comments:
05/26/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Knowing Mr. Negative the way I do, I found this very funny.
05/26/2005 anonymous: You and Mr. Negative have gotten pretty tight, eh Pony?
05/26/2005 TheBuyer: This is still pretty funny even though I have no idea what he's getting all worked up about.
05/26/2005 John Slocum: Fourth paragraph is perplexing, ie. why does mr. negative grab the doctor by the throat? And is there a play on the word 'negative' Going on? Is it that Mr. Negative doesn't have a negative attitude like everyone thinks, but has merely tested negative for HIV or other STDs and so is called 'Mr. Negative' (and hence the doctor's question, 'is your wife negative, too?')? What is Mr. Negative refering to as an urban legend. Please help this dumb sommelier. You've lost me here.
05/26/2005 Jawbreaker: Is the Dr. saying that Mr. Negative was destined to be with a Mrs. Negative but somehow they spawned a positive little boy?
05/26/2005 John Slocum: Ahhhh, I see, 2 negatives make a positive. -3 x -3 = +9!!!! Author did a twist on it. There's such a fine line between stupid and clever.
05/26/2005 John Slocum: Destiny's not part of it, Jawbreaker. Negatives don't attract each other, they repel each other, hence the constant insults. But positive and negative attract each other, hence the youngster providing loving succor to father. This is draws from math and chemistry.
05/26/2005 Jawbreaker: Ahhhh... Thanks Slocum!
05/26/2005 John Slocum: When are you and The Rid coming in for a drink?
05/26/2005 John Slocum (4.5): Very enjoyable once I understood this.
05/26/2005 TheBuyer (5): This deserves at least one five especially now that Jawbreaker so kindly explained the joke staring me in the face.
05/26/2005 John Slocum: Hey, I just went ot daily archive and saw the title of this short which, of course, helps to explain the idea behind the short. Why can't we have the title above the short, maybe only if it differs from the first line of the short? What gives, Disney? What are you doing up there in Boston, nothing?
05/26/2005 Litcube: My inquiries on the title have been met with, "we don't do that here."
05/26/2005 Jawbreaker (5): Good work here. Good work. Slocum: When's a good time?
05/26/2005 Klause Muppet: This is a test!
05/26/2005 Klause Muppet: "Algebra"! Got it!
05/26/2005 Will Disney: We could show it. The 'title' was originally conceived as the 'first line' of the short, and shorts were to remain title-less, but OBVIOUSLY that isn't how some of us are using the title!
05/26/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
05/26/2005 Klause Muppet: OBVIOUSLY that wasn't explained in Orientation.
05/26/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): Impressive. Unflappable. A tour de force.
05/26/2005 qualcomm (3.5):
05/26/2005 Mr. Positive: It's so wonderful that someone wrote a short about my dad! He may be gruff, but he means well, and I never wanted for anything. I love you, Dad!
05/26/2005 Jon Matza (3.5): Yeah...in my etc this seems enslaved to its premise + the execution's somewhat less than tang.
05/26/2005 Mr. Negative: Thanks son, for that shout-out. Way to embarrass the family, you little shit-machine. Love you, too.
05/26/2005 Benny Maniacs (4): Now there's a healthy amount of tapioca in this pudding. I like how Negative has a sensitive side.