AcmeShorts

Quit laughing at me, Alfredo. You're named after a sauce, by the way.

I didn't know that peepholes were for eyes. It was at cock level.

No, I never saw "Porkeez." This is what I get for hanging around with a bunch of dicks twenty years my junior. My weathered appendage fit in there quite nicely, thank you very much.

In my native Turkey, at a young age, I might have been called He With Swollen Glands. Yes -- big balls, you craven infants.

Forget it -- you wouldn't understand. Come on. Give me back my glasses. Give me back my glasses!! How am I supposed to drive home?!
Date Written: May 3, 2005
Author: Turgid
Average Vote: 2.5
Comments:
05/11/2005 The Rid (4): Definitely laughed. "He with swollen glands" really cracked me up.
05/11/2005 Will Disney: I feel like we're heading in the right direction now.
05/11/2005 Dave Heiny (4): Me likety like like. The only thing I don't get---> is the peephole IN the car?
05/11/2005 anonymous: They're not in the car just yet.
05/11/2005 A View To A Kill (2): why is this any good, exactly?
05/11/2005 qualcomm: oops. that was i.
05/11/2005 Turgid: A jarring first-person account. Jarring, I tell you.
05/11/2005 Turgid (4):
05/11/2005 anonymous: I'll let the quorum speak to that question, A.V.T.A.K. How is Tanya Roberts looking these days, by the way?
05/11/2005 qualcomm: oh stop it. we all know you wrote this one.
05/11/2005 TheBuyer: This:
I didn't know that peepholes were for eyes.
Makes no sense.
05/11/2005 qualcomm: (turgid, that is)
05/11/2005 anonymous: I could explain it if you like...
05/11/2005 anonymous: By "we," do you mean "I" or "yours truly"?
05/11/2005 anonymous: All right, Buyer. Your silence means that you do want an explanation. Instead of looking through the peephole, the guy put his *(&%(#@! into it.
05/11/2005 anonymous: QC (A.V.T.A.K.), you didn't answer my question about Tanya Roberts.
05/11/2005 qualcomm: i think what thebuyer meant was that if the guy calls it a peephole, why would he not know it was for peeping? i mean, he's from turkey, but he knows what appendage, craven and weathered mean. i would think he'd know peep, too.
05/11/2005 anonymous: He doesn't know American customs. Or perhaps he really does know but was embarrassed/ashamed of his actions/peccadillos.
05/11/2005 anonymous: And in Turkey, they don't look through peepholes, if you catch my meaning.
05/11/2005 TheBuyer: So, this isn't a story about an old man who puts his dick in a glory hole?
05/11/2005 anonymous: No it is. It's also a political allegory (see: Crimean War).
05/11/2005 Litcube: Perhaps this Turk extrapolated "pee-pee" from "peep" in "peephole". A slightly confusing short.
05/11/2005 TheBuyer: Though, sir, you may be a credit to the global homosexual community and an asset to the propogation of blowjobs through a hole in bathroom stalls and may even be a fine dancer and have on good cologne, you have not written a funny short. I will now type the word penis a few times and consider my vote. penis penis penis.
05/11/2005 Klause Muppet (3): It was a little confusing to read the first time. But I find that the first time always is quite uncomfortable, but after you slap her around a bit, things get better.

I liked the first line. What if you got rid of the middle stuff and just had the first and last line?
05/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Slightly confusing? More like jarring. Jarring, tell you. It just feels like a loose collection of jokes I don't like that much. That sauce joke is a difficult thing to get past so early in the short. I feel like it's possible to believe that it's meant to be a lame counter-attack by an unimaginitive person, but still, it's a tough opener. And why does he spell "Porky's" wrong when he says it? His vocalized misspelling is phonetically identical.
05/11/2005 Anal Sex: Sorry, that was me.
05/11/2005 Front: Still don't get why this is funny or interesting. I had to think too much to make sense of it.
05/11/2005 TheBuyer (2): penis.
This isn't Turgid, a girl wrote this.
05/11/2005 anonymous: Pony, it was intended as a lame counter-attack. Also, I was hoping the intentional misspelling would come across with a slightly different pronunciation. You know: "cheese" versus "cheez." Subtleties.
05/11/2005 Klause Muppet: Front, you are sooo hot when you think!
05/11/2005 Litcube: Author, it may be my Canadian accent, but the way I figure it: Cheese = chez & Cheez = chez. How do you figure it?
05/11/2005 Mr. Pony: I agree, that's pretty subtle. Not quite so suble as the fact that this short is a political allegory about the Crimean War, though. But then, I've never been good with history.
05/11/2005 anonymous: Crimea >= Persia <= Babylonia = Abyssynia.
05/11/2005 Litcube: My long "e" characters have been supplanted with regular everyday "e"s. This is an insidious conspiracy, and I am outraged.
05/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Author, the meaning behind your complex inequality escapes my historically impared mind. And, okay, your utterance of the word "Subtleties" has shamed me into accepting your claim that "Porky's" and "Porkeez" are pronounced completely differently. But that seems to be the only thing our elder Turk mispronounces! Is that an "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer"-like joke? I've looked very hard trying to make sense of this. And the harder I look at this, the less sense it makes! This is just what I think, other opinions may be valid!
05/11/2005 anonymous: NOT VALID.

Sincerely,
The Author
05/11/2005 Mr. Pony (2): Oh my god, leave me alone!
05/11/2005 <I>From Author</i>: Yeah, I have to admit it. In all honesty, this is a piece of shit.
05/11/2005 Poop (1): This is poop!
05/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Wow, Author, that's pretty big of you to admit that. I have to say, I'm kind of impressed. I was starting to think that you were getting needlessly defensive, but honestly, this casts you in a new light, for me at least. What made you come around?
05/11/2005 Poop: Poop!
05/11/2005 Klause Muppet: Well, I just thought long and hard about it and it finally came to me: This Shorts Sucks!
05/11/2005 Klause Muppet: Short (singular)
05/11/2005 Mr. Pony: The singular for short is "shorts".
05/11/2005 Front: Klause, draw a funny short.
05/11/2005 Klause Muppet: If only I could... Westcoast time tells me I'm still at work.
05/11/2005 Jawbreaker (2): As I've often said in "real" life, jsut didn't do anything for me.
05/11/2005 anonymous: Okay - who broke into my account? Administrator? A.V.T.A.K., perhaps?
05/11/2005 TheBuyer: You can be logged in once per browser per computer with infinate instances. This means wherever you logged in and didn't log out (and where the browser cache was never cleared) you are still logged in so it could be anyone. This time Rid did it, but seriously, it could have been anyone anywhere you logged in with your user name and password. Give me your Visa number and I can fix it.
05/11/2005 anonymous: Damn you all.
05/11/2005 Poop: Poop
05/11/2005 Will Disney: Someone has a 'from author' account. you should be able to spot it as fake in the user feedback area. I should probably disable that account.
05/11/2005 Turkish Guy: This is a travesty.
05/11/2005 The Rid: Wait, what did I do?
05/12/2005 TheBuyer: Turgid, for chrissakes man...