AcmeShorts

After my last break-up, I went into a funk. No matter who I met, I got slapped, or they rolled their eyes at me, or some shit. One night at Session 73, I was taking a leak. I shook off and then heard this voice, "Dude, you gotta relax."

I looked around. I was alone.

"Down here." So I looked down, and there was my penis, talking to me.

"What?"

"Look," it said, "You can't be all up in girls' faces, on their jocks and stuff. Be nice. Buy a drink. Tell her her perfume is nice."

"I could do that."

"Good! Try again!"

I tucked my penis away and went to the bar. A little hottie was alone. The bartender made her way to me.

"I'll have a Budweiser and the lady will have...?" I gestured to the hottie, who wisely piped up.

"The same." She smiled at me. "I'm Rebecca. What brings you here?"

Before my penis schooled me, I would have said, "I'm looking for a little tartlet to send home with a stretched ass." But instead: "Just unwinding after a long week. Your perfume is great."

Back at my place, she was giving me head. She came up, licked my ear and said, "Get a condom."

I hit the bathroom. My penis said, "Good work. But let's slow this down."

"What? You said, 'Be nice.' I was nice, and now we're getting some ass!"

"But that's your M.O. You pick up these chicks and they always suck..."

"Yeah, my cock!" But there was no one to high-five. Anyway.

"Tell her you don't have any condoms and just, you know, talk."

"My God, what kind of penis are you?" I grabbed a condom from the medicine cabinet and went back to the bedroom. I slipped it on, but then I went limp.

Rebecca jerked me, but nothing. Later, I put her in a cab. When I was back upstairs, I pulled out my cock and slapped it on the table.

"Didn't you see those fucking tits? Didn't you like the way she sucked you off? WHAT THE FUCK!" I slapped the fucker on the table again.

"Ouch! I'm just trying to help you make better girl decisions! I thought after Shelly and Dina you might be a little more prudent, but I guess not!"

"I'll show you fucking prudence!"

I went into the kitchen and got the cleaver, then I laid my cock and balls on the table like Robert Mapplethorpe's Mr. 10 1/2.

My penis began to sweat. "Let's not be rash here."

"Hey, I should have done this a long time ago. Good riddance, you stupid cock."

And that's how I became the oldest member of the Harlem Boys Choir.
Date Written: April 24, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 3.4
Comments:
05/5/2005 Klause Muppet: Great stuff!!! I'm going to reread in the morning. I'm not sure about the ending.
05/5/2005 Klause Muppet: Please note that the short "Ladies and Gentlemen: A Talking Penis!" was submitted before "After my last break-up" was posted.
05/5/2005 Will Disney: Strong start.
05/5/2005 Jawbreaker (5): Now, this is funny. "... and they always suck... Yeah my cock! But there was no one to high-five." HAH! I'm rounding up to 4.5.
05/5/2005 Dave Heiny (5): Buddy hi-fiving post cock joke! HA! Best one liner since JFK told Jackie he feels a headache coming on in Dallas.
05/5/2005 Turgid (3): Definitely gets off to a good start, but it runs a little too long, and the punchline, well, isn't too hot.
05/5/2005 qualcomm (2): vast improvement over the last few days. still subpar. you're welcome for my fucking integrity.
05/5/2005 Dylan Danko: I was wavering between a 4 and 5 but that last line was such a bad decision, I just can't do it. Enjoyed everything until then. I feel like I do after eating a corned beaf sandwich on rye and being told that someone jizzed in it.
05/5/2005 Dylan Danko (3):
05/5/2005 Litcube: How often does that happen, Dylan?
05/5/2005 Dylan Danko: How often does it NOT happen is the question.
05/5/2005 Litcube (3): While I'm not huge on thrashing a piece based on a last line, in this case I feel compelled to loose you demerits, awethuir. That last line shits the bed and lies there all day. However, despite some interesting (perhaps lazy) language choices, this turned out to be a decent short peppered with imagination, silly/randomish humour.
05/5/2005 anonymous: Wow, I didn't know one line could piss people off so badly. Danko, sorry about your sandwich! That must have been rough, hey?
05/5/2005 anonymous: Are you new here, guy? OF COURSE IT CAN.
05/5/2005 anonymous: I'm not new, no. But since I kinda like that line, I guess I was surprised at the reaction, though I'm not sure I should be.
05/5/2005 TheBuyer (2): The last line should be taken out and shot - it's like a deep kiss from someone who just gave the family dog a blowjob.
05/5/2005 Klause Muppet (4): "Loose Demerits" Litcube? Are you an idiot?! God! Anyway 3.5 rounded up. I enjoyed the short. (psst! hey author, when no one's looking, erase the last night. you'll be money. shhhh!)
05/5/2005 anonymous: Hey, I'm willing to delete the last line if that's the big problem everyone has with this short. I'll leave it in my MSWord copy at home. Yay!
05/5/2005 Litcube: Awethiur employs sensitivity of The Rid.
05/5/2005 The Rid: Say what, Litcube?
05/5/2005 Front (3): For being a notch above the past several days, I'll add a star. Author, it was initially good for me but I think you could have risen to a stronger ending altogether.
05/5/2005 Mr. Pony: Cry havoc; and let loose the demerits of Pony!
05/5/2005 Mr. Pony: I really like the Leisure-Suit Larry manner in which simply selecting the right phrase automatically gets the narrator some pants-action. I really think the use of the link was not so good--I'd rather hear how you would describe a wiener on a table, or you could have left it unlinked as a simple cultural reference. (This might just be me--I tend to think that links in shorts have a hard time coming off as something other than lazy.) Also, author; I think you really might want to reconsider liking the last line ("And that's how I became the oldest member of the Harlem Boys Choir."). Your "punchline" takes an interesting and ambiguous allegory and turns it into (or at least tries its hardest to turn it into) am "and that's why I'm late for school" tale. Despite all this, I honestly believe that your heart's in the right place.
05/5/2005 Mr. Pony: I really like the Leisure-Suit Larry manner in which simply selecting the right phrase automatically gets the narrator some pants-action. I really think the use of the link was not so good--I'd rather hear how you would describe a wiener on a table, or you could have left it unlinked as a simple cultural reference. (This might just be me--I tend to think that links in shorts have a hard time coming off as something other than lazy.) Also, author; I think you really might want to reconsider liking the last line ("And that's how I became the oldest member of the Harlem Boys Choir."). Your "punchline" takes an interesting and ambiguous allegory and turns it into (or at least tries its hardest to turn it into) am "and that's why I'm late for school" tale. Despite all this, I honestly believe that your heart's in the right place.
05/5/2005 Mr. Pony: I guess you're not supposed to click twice if it doesn't work the first time.
05/5/2005 qualcomm: listen, pony, i don't appreciate your poaching on my turf as meanest author
05/5/2005 Mr. Pony: I've always been the meanest author.
05/5/2005 anonymous: Pony, despite your attempts at being mean, you nonetheless come off as a big softy. I'm glad you think my heart is in the right place. *Hug*
05/5/2005 Dylan Danko: Pony may not be the meanest but he is the most dastardly!
05/5/2005 qualcomm: pony is a monster. he will wish you away to the cornfield.
05/5/2005 Dylan Danko: Fuck that! I'm not going! And anyway, he's too busy wishing his son grows up to be a healthy, vital, productive and moral member of the community.
05/5/2005 Mr. Pony: How much energy do you really think it takes to do both?
05/5/2005 Jon Matza: Pony is mean in the sense of stingy. Not with money but with candy.
05/5/2005 anonymous: Niggardly.
05/5/2005 Jon Matza: Yes, he's racist too. Against women, not ethnic groups.
05/6/2005 John Slocum (4): I can get behind this. The last line is not so good, but that doesn't stop this guy from having a little fun with a well spun tale. Diverting. BTW - is this an hommage to my talking-pussy short? Obvious differences, but similiar feel.
05/6/2005 qualcomm: jesus christ
05/6/2005 John Slocum: I know how disappointing this is for you, QC.