AcmeShorts

Improvident and forlorn, despised and depressed, debauched and debunked, misplaced and dispossessed, the horny little band of settlers drove their wagons west and further west, their caravan meandering across the endless prairie and over sky-high mountains, and then when that ended, and they finally arrived in California, they pulled off their grimy clothes and had sex, the men pushing their erect penises into the women’s vaginas, and then, when that was done, pulling them out again and repeating.

*

Dave blew the last of his food stamps on a Dixie cup full of methadone spit up by some toothless junkie in the program. The best stuff was when somebody stole a bottle from the clinic, but that was rare, and he was used to just getting high off backwash. He swirled the sweet orange syrup under his tongue and let it soak in. Well, that’d buy him another twelve hours at least.

He made his way to the bus station to try to bum a cigarette, but nobody would give ‘em up. They were too expensive these days, he guessed. He found a half smoked butt on the floor and lit up. Menthol. Fucking gross. He threw it out and wandered toward the vending machine to see if Steve was there. He wasn’t but the old drunk with the weight lifting belt was working away at the vending machine. His eyes were puffy and it looked like he might cry.

“What’s wrong?” Dave asked.

“Ate my quarter.” The drunk with the weight lifting belt didn’t turn to look at him.

Dave saw that a bag of Andy Capp’s Fries was hanging from the clip on D-4. He started to feel a little woozy from the methadone. For a second he thought he might barf, but he fought it off. The drunk with the weight lifting belt shook the machine, but the bag didn’t drop. He started pounding on it but it still didn’t drop.

Dave sat down on the floor and waited. He wondered how to kill the next twelve hours.

*

My friend Frankie knows this guy who has a go cart. I’m going to probably kill him and take his go cart. Did you ever kill anybody? I killed tons of kids when I lived in Cincinnati. It was pretty cool. His stepsister has boobs already, so I’ll probably fool around with her too. Maybe drive over to her house in my go cart. Also, I’m getting walkie talkies for Chanukah. I’m not going to let anybody use them, though. They’re just for me. Both of them. Do you ever feel like maybe people don’t like you? I don’t. I guess you’re just a pussy.

*

The anatomy student, Chertov, held up the text book and examined the peasant girl’s heavy breasts. Her large molasses colored nipples pointed downward and outward. He tucked the text book under his arm and then lifted one of the breasts in his hand, rotating it so that it corresponded more closely to the diagram in his book. He let go and it sank back down into its former state.

He opened his book again and made some notes in the margin.

“Are we almost done?” the girl asked timidly. She blushed deeply and cast her eyes down. Chertov’s flat was unheated. The peasant girl’s lips were blue and she shivered violently.

“Hardly,” said Chertov. “We haven’t even compared your coochie coo yet!”

*

“Animal, vegetable or mineral?”
“Mineral.”
“Is it Kryptonite?”
“Fuck!”
“You’re so obvious.”
“Animal, vegetable or mineral?”
“Vegetable”
“Is it dill weed?”
“Fuck!”