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Santa Cruz Retard Found At Fault


A potentially-30-year-old mentally retarded Santa Cruz man was posthumously found at fault for a multi-vehicle accident that occurred last month. The highly retarded man, Gerry "Tardy" Dowski, had an history of mental retardation and had previously been sited for public defecation and jaywalking. Outside the coutroom, an ironic rain plummeted to earth, while inside, Dowski’s stepmother, LaDonnia Freeman was found in contempt of court for uncontrolled crying and had to be removed from the court room by sheriff’s deputies. The guilty dead man’s half-brother, Chung Lee Feldstein-O’Toole said, “Tardy was a hell of a tard. When we were kids he’d eat my casserole. The whole neighborhood loved him. He blew all the guys in exchange for fries. But nothing was gay about it 'cause he was a retard. And, he’d beat losers up for us because he wouldn’t get in trouble for it. Basically he was a regular kid with a tard’s brain and body.”

Dowski was found at fault for rolling trash receptacles into several fog-shrouded roads on the UCSC campus. According to one witness, “He was monkey jumpin’,” which is apparently slang for an activity the retarded man was engaged in. Another witness to the fatal occurrence, Sue “Shasta Suncrest” Jones, an attractive UCSC sophomore, said, “Ya know our campus is like, frat-free so we’re so like not accustomed to this kind of harshout. Everyone’s all like, poor, poor retarded-type dude. To see someone buy it like a banana slug…knarly. He was so a fruit roll-up on the beach after they peeled him off that bus tire. Seriously an anti-stoke all around.”

Under California law retarded people under the age of 30 are not responsible for their actions. Dowski was to have turned 30 the day after the accident. The public interest group, Defenders of the Incompetent, is investigating and has asserted that the coroner's office extended the time of death to 12:15 the next morning so that Tardowski could posthumously be tried as a competent retard. The group's president, Dr. Clark Carlson, was quoted as saying,"...there's no way a human being--retarded or otherwise--who was a virtual omelette at 7pm could survive for five additional hours." "Not true!" counters District Attorney Jack "Hyena" Rodriguez, adding that as a precautionary measure Retardowski was in the process of being cryogenically frozen within two hours of the accident and that, "Only when the freezing process was stopped a few hours later did his existence situation become confirmable." Rodriguez referred to the icy practice as "becoming routine" and lamented the “unhappy circumstances for this time of year,” but nevertheless stressed the “need for consistency in enforcement of law, regardless of perceived illogic,” and “adoption of radio-monitored bracelets for persons of any diversity afflicted with mental incongruities.”