"Whoa! Hold that door, please! Hold that door!" Jamming his
humongous fluffy paws between the doors, the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny
Rabbit hopped onto the 6 train at Brooklyn Bridge, squeaking himself
inside. Puffing, his breath condensed on the wire screen inside his
massive, papier machet head. Rush hour. "Thanks, Ace," he said, patting a banker
on the shoulder.
"I didn't do anything."
"Sure ya did, sure ya did," the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit insisted. Then, whispering, he added, "And that's why I plan to denut you with this straight razor, then cram it up your asshole and crack you open like a motherfucking lobster, you mean spirited, bean counting son of a bitch."
"Great God!"
"Yo, I'm just playin'. Seriously. Now unzip me, faggot."
"What?!"
"Nevermind, dude. Moment's passed. And NOW!" the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit announced, shoving the banker by his face: "I gotta shake a bitch! So which one of you tight-suited bitches needs shaking?!" The Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit clicked open the razor, twirling the opalescent handle in his right paw then gliding the blade along the pads of his left. "Surely, one of you corpo-RAT bitches needs shaking!"
"Yarr!!"
Menacingly, the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit lurched, heaving his hefty bunny body, and stomped down with one floppy bunny foot.
"AAiiiighhh!!!" the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit screamed as his fibula and tibia snapped in two. The razor went skidding away among the shoes. "Osteosarcoma?" he thought. Not possible. He was too old. Or was he? "Hypochondria, my ass," thought theDirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit.
Date Written: March 14, 2005 Author:Dick Vomit Average Vote: 4.0909
Comments:
03/21/2005The Rid: Great until the last paragraph, which is awful. Just awful. I mean, I'm all for non sequiturs, but what the hell? I mean, "I gotta shake a bitch"? GENIUS!!! What happened?
03/21/2005Will Disney: did everyone end up okay here, author?
03/21/2005Shomer Shabbas (4):
03/21/2005TheBuyer (4): It's not a non-sequitor rid, the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit has bone cancer and so the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit has brittle bones.
03/21/2005qualcomm: well, the sentence "He was too old." forced me to look up osteosarcoma so i could learn if this terrible disease does in fact strike youngsters with greater frequency than adults. turns out it does. so you have to give it that. kind of weird that the bunny, who clearly comes from a low-rung demographic, knew this when i didn't.
03/21/2005anonymous: it's not a non sequitur, diltron
03/21/2005anonymous: Hypochondriacs know a lot about disease, regardless of their station. It's their business. WebMD and so forth.
03/21/2005Louise Fletcher: Non Sequitur? I think someone needs to stop skimming shorts, looking for things to say.
03/21/2005scoop: Good morning Louise! Long time no see. Hey, what's the cirCUMfrence of your clitoris?
03/21/2005Louise Fletcher: My, you're a dreadful young man.
03/21/2005scoop: Quit stalling, Fletcher. What are you packing down there?
03/21/2005Mr. Pony: Careful what you say, Louise. If I know scoop, there's going to be a hell of a follow-up.
03/21/2005Mr. Pony (5): Mr. Pony thought this was pretty durned funny, by the way, and worthy of a glorious five-star rating, by way of an escalating nine.
03/21/2005Litcube (4):
03/21/2005scoop: About a 23.64 on my 27 star scale.
03/21/2005Blister Buddy (4): crit 1: Would breath actually condense on a wire screen?
crit 2: I cannot drop the connection to Donnie Darko, sorry. Am I ruined for all future giant-bunny encounters?
crit on crit: it's not a non sequitur just because you don't know what it means. 'diltron.'
03/21/2005Jon Matza (5): Yuh
03/21/2005Dylan Danko (5):
03/21/2005Dick Vomit (5): Ah, what the hell. qc 4 eva.
03/21/2005scoop (4): I'm with Blister Buddy on this one. Fair or not, this one is dogged by DD.
03/21/2005Phony Millions (3): Failed to crack a smile, but that's probably my own failure. Well executed in any case.
03/21/2005anonymous: That's strange, because I'm pretty sure this is the greatest short of all times.
03/21/2005anonymous: Easter, god dammit. EASTER. It has nothing to do with donnie dumbass danko. Maybe you read this and you couldn't stop thinking about JESUS. ever think of that???!
03/21/2005scoop: Alright dick-munch. There are other brazen errors here much worse then the UNDENIABLE (intended or not)Darko reference. Namely what I beleive The Rid was getting at but maybe didn't express very well, NAMELY the incongruous ending which feels like the punchline to another joke. Clearly you are not responsible enough to realize that the joke here is this interesting character who muscled his way into your erratic over-caffinated brain, not fucking bone cancer, douchebag. In light of your lack of reponsibility, I am goiong to ask you to turn this charcter over to someone who can handle him. I think you're a bad parent. In conclusion, F you. I look forward to deliberately lowballing one of your shorts in the future.