Short #1862 – AcmeShorts

Dear everyone,

This world is too much for me, I cannot go on - again!
Hey, y'all it's me, by the time you read this I'll be dead, for SURE this time. Oh, and hey, in regards to my most recent attempt, one last time, I am so sorry I inflicted that goddamn, stupid poem on you all - what the hell was I thinking? HA! This time, I'll keep it short, I promise :P

I'd just like to say a quick thanks and goodbye as I squeeze out my mortal coil - kidding, kidding, just a little flash-back to "The Regret Letter" from when I took all those pills! To quote James, "Dude, you're killing yourself, not dying of taking a shit" you're the king, J. Seriously though, I'm using a cartridge full of nickels in a 10 gauge, full choke shotgun, I'm not fucking around this time. Call whoever the fuck you want, no amount of CPR can put a head back together.

So anyhoo, in no particular order:

Mom and Dad - All I can say is BEST roast beef and Yorkshire pudding on the planet and WORST golfer respectively; thanks for a memorable childhood! See you soon, you tense, chainsmoking, gin soaked nightmares!

My lovely wife Gina - You're the one thing that kept me going. Without your love and support I would have done that whole hail-of-bullets/take-a-few-with-me thing [from my 'death fantasies diary', remember honey, when I showed you at the hospital?] but you taught me the value of family. I love you.

Sammy - I can't get over how beautiful and charming you've become, you're really growing into a woman. In fact, you're the [wo]man of the house now, so dump that nigger and find yourself a nice boy, also go back to school. Daddy loves you, pumpkin!

James - No one can cut down the woes and sorrows of the terminally dispondent like you my friend, not with that kind of wit; I'm sorry we won't get a chance to laugh about it this time. Also, I'm never giving you that rematch so our lifetime Risk series will remain 215-214 in my favor, so HA HA HA, James, HA HA HA. YOU LOSE, LOOoooOOoZa!! I am the FUCKING KING! You were my only friend.

The rest of them - Everyone else can pretty much fuck off but make sure you stay alive, I don't need you reeking up the joint with your fucking bullshit - I boil with hate for you and your putrid, disgusting, immoral world so stay in it and rot. You are all vomit, excrement, the filthsome dredges of loathe and disgust, you're vermin, all of you.

Love,
- Doug

P.S - There's a fifty dollar bill in my butt-crack, please leave it for the pathologist - can you imagine the look on that guy's face!?!

Comments:

03/3/2005 The Rid (4): Yeah.

03/3/2005 Will Disney (5): a dense read filled with enjoyable "nuggets"

03/3/2005 Phony Millions (4): Wasn't a laugh type short for me,more funny/dark. In any case a lot of fun stuff, and the premise is fleshed out nicely, full of nuggets like Disney said.

03/3/2005 senator (5): This is top notch. This was definitely a laugh out loud short for me. I like the tone.

03/3/2005 TheBuyer: this guy really isn't fucking around.

03/3/2005 John Slocum: Somewhat enjoyable, but I was a bit confounded by the tone and was having believability issues. Things like 'Hey, y'all it's me' and 'So anyhoo' threw me off somewhat. Will re-read...patience...patience.

03/3/2005 qualcomm: agree with slocum. this was okay, not too funny.

03/3/2005 Phony Millions: Slocum, the casual tone of 'hey y'all' type comments was funny to me because it was incongruous with the fact that he's going to do himself in. But maybe I'm stating the obvious.

03/3/2005 Phony Millions: Yeah, hmmm Buyer...What's this guy doing using assault rifles to take himself out? Maybe this does have believability issues...

03/3/2005 Litcube: 10 gauge full choke doesn't mean tactical shotgun.

03/3/2005 TheBuyer: if you scroll down, 10 gauges are turkey/pheasant shooting rifles. i was looking up 'full choke' and all these Montana Militia-type home security devices caught my eye.

03/3/2005 anonymous: Buyer, it's a bird gun.

03/3/2005 anonymous: oh.

03/3/2005 Litcube: Choke is just a measurement for the spread of the shot.

03/3/2005 John Slocum: Phony: yah, no, I got that, but I guess it's kind of the same joke over and over. I like the nuggets (flavors). This one has some structural (oenologically speaking) problems.

03/3/2005 qualcomm: you're allowed to call a shotgun a rifle?

03/3/2005 John Slocum: ripe, forward fruit, not enough acidity. Strong impressionable attack, weak on the back of the palate, short finish. But well made and pleasurable. 3.5.

03/3/2005 Phony Millions: Weren't we lectured on the difference from those survivalist wingnuts on the bizzaro bachelor party-duckhunt you organized for Snow a few years back, QC?

03/3/2005 qualcomm: yes, it's like a $17 zin from alexander valley, right slo-core?

03/3/2005 qualcomm: well, i hate to brag, pm, but i already knew. i already knew.

03/3/2005 qualcomm: i resent mrs. phony millions' characterization of that excursion as cynical, by the way.

03/3/2005 Phony Millions: No no, Qual! That one is truly in the files of my memory as a true mail bonding experience! I got to bond with Disney for the first time that day, among others! But I digress.

03/3/2005 Shane Mahoney: Hunting is a deliberate journey toward a higher understanding of the relationship between birth and death.

03/3/2005 TheBuyer: Shane Mahoney reminds me of Ted Nugent except Nugent hates bears.

03/3/2005 Jawbreaker (4): I thought the "anyhoo" was totally out of place in this kind of document. Therefore, I liked it.

03/3/2005 Dylan Danko: Yeah, i'm really glad I missed that hunting experience. I'm so glad I decided to stay home instead of waiting for you to bring home the chuckers to cook, like a woman.

03/3/2005 Will Disney: I liked it when we asked the crazy hunter owner guy if the bird shot was made of lead (because we didn't want to poison ourselves when we ate the birds). And he said, "You think Hillary Clinton would allow that?" because he hated Hillary Clinton so much.

03/3/2005 Dylan Danko: except with a comma after "instead" and no "of"

03/3/2005 Dylan Danko: Most of those birds stayed in the freezer. I think we left them in there when we moved out.

03/3/2005 Dylan Danko (3):

03/3/2005 Jon Matza (3): Error.

03/3/2005 Jon Matza: Danko beat me to it. Well done.

03/3/2005 Dylan Danko: Matza, isn't it about time for you to start your walk to work?

03/3/2005 Litcube (4): I’m an excitable Canadian guest, but I honestly thought this was pretty good. I don’t agree that believability is an issue. Dude’s writing his “letter of resignation” like a sunny thank-you note, which is a zany concept in itself, so I’m not sure stringent plausibility is necessary here, nor did I notice any suspicious details. Like Disney said, full of nuggets. “LOOoooOOoZa” and “fifty dollar bill” were especially awesome. Mostly enjoyed the “you were my only friend” line, perhaps because it was a quick reminder of exactly what we’re reading amogst all this "I'm going to camp for the summer, see y'all when I get bayack!". 4.37

03/3/2005 Jon Matza: Jimson, please explain my new fitness regimen to Danko.

03/3/2005 Dylan Danko: I hope a big red ball is involved.

03/3/2005 Jon Matza: You think you're gonna be carrying cannons like these around if you don't have a high protein, low carbs thing going?

03/3/2005 Dylan Danko: When you say cannons, twat are you referring?

03/3/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (3): Well, if Matza's been following my perscribed routine, he's already a half hour of circuit training two days this week and about 45-60 minutes on the ellipticon on three days. Of course, it behooves him to be active whenever possible, so walking to work is recommended. However, if he waits until the last possible minute to begin his walk, he can really "hoof it," and push himself out of his "comfort zone," thus increasing his aerobic capacity. Once I meet and have a chance to properly assess him, then we can begin the functional training. It's gonna be sweet.

I've been holding off on rating this'un, but I'm falling in with Brookline.

03/3/2005 BOOTIEANDTHEHOFISH (5): His nads. Hey writer, this piece is unbelittleable!! I especially like the whole thing. Stars are out in the daylight.

03/3/2005 Jon Matza: Just these, buddy. Just these.

03/3/2005 Litcube: Jimson's workout is no way to build cannons, bra.

03/3/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: That's right, Litcube, it's not.

03/3/2005 anonymous: Glutes bra, glutes like God himself.

03/3/2005 Shaun Belorus: Jimson: How much creatine is it safe for me to consume daily? My poo is starting to smell funny.

03/3/2005 Jawbreaker: Hey Rid, don't you have the same problem when you use creatine?

03/3/2005 The Rid: Jawbreaker, before you write something like that, remember that your brain isn't as big as your chest. Got it?

03/3/2005 Dylan Danko: Um...can we see a pic of Jawbreaker's chest?

03/3/2005 TheBuyer: also her brain.

03/3/2005 Klause Muppet (4):

03/3/2005 Mr. Pony (4): If the ten star voting mechanism were implemented, this would have almost been what I would have called a "creeping nine".

03/4/2005 TheBuyer: I'm, you know, fine. I don't even have a gun.

03/4/2005 John Slocum (3):

03/4/2005 Pix (5): Thought you've been acting funny!

03/6/2005 Yahzick (4): TheAuthor, I wanted to give you 5 stars for this simply becasue of "nuggets" like adding a ":P" emoticon in a suicide note. But, since I'm a redneck from the Siberian waste-lands of Alberta, I have to dock you a star for thinking that a fully choked shotgun could pass a roll of nickles without rupturing the muzzle. Even though I was a little nostalgicafied by how it made me remember playing the Top Secret RPG I have to remain a purist in all things weapons related. Oh! Shit! And you're a cunt.

03/6/2005 TheBuyer: Hooray for Yahzick! The suicide attempt was a failure, the blast wouldn't have killed him, but it would have screwed up the bones and eyes in his face very badly.