I used to be Frank Davis, an accountant. It’s how I made a living. But then I got hit by a rock from the planet Smartron and became Common Sense Man (!). Now it's my job to enlighten the foolish masses.
That’s right. Whenever two assholes are having a conversation like this:
MAN 1: “So I pulled into the parking garage at Lincoln Center.”
MAN 2: “Yeah?”
MAN 1: “And I go up to the window to pay, and it’s 33 bucks!”
MAN 2: “33 bucks? Are you serious?”
*BAM!!!* I appear!
I slap MAN 1 across the face, “You dumb dumb dick! Of course it’s 33 dollars! It’s Manhattan’s Lincoln Center!” Then I turn to MAN 2 and punch him in the cock. “You New Jersey fuckface! Don’t feed his ignorance!”
When you, young college girl, can’t figure out why the guy you like will only fuck you when he's drunk, I’m there.
“You dumb bitch! It’s a booty call! A BOOTY CALL!”
And estranged wife, when your husband spends all his free time with his new friend Bill, I’m there.
“You idiot! He likes guys! He has a fucking lithp!”
It may hurt, folks, but it’s the truth. And when I’m done with you, you’ll never make the same mistake again. You fucking cunts.
Date Written: January 26, 2005 Author:The Rid Average Vote: 3.25
Comments:
02/15/2005Ewan Snow: Huh, there's parking at Lincoln Center?
02/15/2005Will Disney: this short had a lot of potential, and it's a good idea, but i didn't LAUGH OUT LOUD at it. or as matza would say, i didn't laugh out loud at it. and yes, ewan, there is parking at lincoln center. you can ENTER on 66th st, if i remember correctly.
02/15/2005qualcomm: i really liked this up through the word "rock"
02/15/2005Mr. Pony: It's shorts like this that give me a hard time. I'm talking about the ones where the short is (or feels like) an excuse for the author to get something off his or her chest, as well as take a certain amount of credit for said rants. These shorts, like McWilliamsburg (minus any subsequent controversy over the short being posted under Slocum's name against his will) and THEBUYERS A FAG or whatever that was called, make me feel like I'm expected to agree with the viewpoint. Sort of like when that drunk stranger (who girls won't talk to, even though he clearly has so much to offer) corners you at a party and decides to give you some life lessons. Maybe he says some stuff that's true, and maybe it's even something you haven't heard a thousand times before, but you sort of resent the intrusion. Maybe I'm asking for too much self-restraint or scientific detachment, and perhaps I'd find this more interesting if it were done differently (or performed live) but for some reason, I find that shorts like this give me, as I said, a hard time. (By the way, I think that "It's a booty call" is a criminal oversimplification, and much more observation would be required to make an accurate assessment. Don't get me started on the myth of the accuracy of common sense.)
02/15/2005anonymous: Whew! Pony, duly noted!
02/15/2005Streifenbeuteldachs: I'm scared of Pony.
02/15/2005qualcomm: you should be. pony once looked square in the eye of this retarded (literally) guy who frequents our favorite bar and said, "you're an idiot." the worst thing of all was that he never would have said that if the guy weren't black.
02/15/2005anonymous: Wow! Qualcomm, what bar?
02/15/2005qualcomm: i'm not at liberty to say
02/15/2005anonymous: Oh. Okay.
02/15/2005Litcube: Admittedly, I'm a delicate little blossom to begin with, but seriously, if someone said "Dumb dumb dick" to my face, I'm confident that my world would crumble around me as I rocked back and forth.
02/15/2005TheBuyer (2): I would prefer to complain without accountability. Sorry auth, didn't work for me.
02/15/2005Jon Matza: This may not be good, technically, but you have to admit it has a certain vivacity.
02/15/2005Jawbreaker (4): I kind of like these shorts where the authors get things off their chest.
02/15/2005Mr. Pony: Man, qualcomm really took that situation out of context. I mean, that retarded black guy really had it coming.
02/15/2005Jon Matza: Why, because you'd just broken his arm?
02/15/2005Mr. Pony: Take that part out of context too, why don't you?
02/15/2005anonymous: Matza: Thanks. Litcube: Who would ever call you a dumb, dumb dick?
02/15/2005Dylan Danko (4):
02/16/2005John Slocum (3):
02/16/2005Dick Vomit: Here's what worried me: the "you fucking cunts" closer reminded me of the money shot in this graphical piece. What with the recent kerfuffle over plagiarism and all...
02/16/2005The Rid: DV: I have to respectfully disagree. Although I did appreciate that Matza short, I can say that in no way did its language influence this short.
02/16/2005John Slocum: as far as you 'know', that is.
02/16/2005The Rid: Slocum, are you suggesting that that short was in the back of my mind and may have played upon the weakness of my subconscious? Or something?