AcmeShorts

Ring-Ring. Ring-Ring. “Hallo!” “Hello, Stain Lady?” “Speaking! You mess ‘em we—“ “Whaddya do for sweat stains?” “Ammonia is the ultimate fix for stinky pits! Just dilute a capful—“ “What’ll clean spit?” “Saliva? Welp! Hmm. You cou—“ “Blood. Fluids from the body? Breast milk. Stuff like that.” “Geez, I hope you’re not up to anything nasty, young man!” “…” “Heh. Well now, let me see. If you’ve got meat tenderizer in the cupboard, you can mix that with a little water to take care of most protein-based stains.” “Feces. Urine. More sweat, maybe.” “Do you have an infant or something?” “Whatever comes out of a person by violence. Bile. Stomach acids.” “Heavens.” “Say, Stain Lady. Think you could turn around for me?” [Hulking biker gang dude from phone call crashes through flimsy door to Stain Lady’s den/home office, lunges. Stain Lady shifts considerable weight in mu mu, uses biker dude’s weight against him, tosses him into desk] “Oh, sure! Just because I’m the God-Tootin’ Stain Lady with all the cheap and easy remedies to household stains and I work out of a sleepy home office in Northern Jersey I must be some kind of easy victim for a sick puppy like you, is that right?!!” “My face…” “I WAS going to transfer you to the safe phone for a REAL conversation, but now…oh, no. Now, you will have to be dispatched. And trust me…when I scrub a crime scene, the dirty fucking FEDS aren’t going to find shit when they come sniffin’ around. Do. You. Hear. Me. Scum?” “No…STAIN LADY, PLEEAAASSSEEEEEE…!!!!” CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK CHOOK-CHOOK!CHOOK-CHOOK CHOOK-CHOOK!CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! CHOOK-CHOOK! "Ok, hmm. Meat tenderizer. Glycerin...lemon juice. Club soda...."