I’m waiting. Sitting and waiting. Here at the table. I’ve poured a cup of tea to drink while I wait. It relaxes me. He should be home soon, any minute really. Most nights I wouldn’t wait up, he’d be out drinking with the boys. That’s most nights. But tonight is an, “I’m sorry” night. I’m sorry I came home drunk and hit you last night. I’m sorry you had to take the day off because who’s gonna believe you fell again, so clumsy, twice in just over a week. I am so clumsy always falling, into your fist, or your feet and once even into the phone you were holding, which you snatched from me trying to call for help. I’ve got to be more careful. One day I’m gonna fall down and not get back up. I’m gonna fall too hard . Well, that’s what I thought until today….
Today as I lay in bed this morning, as I lay in the wet spot of your “I’m sorry” fuck I didn’t ask for or want, I started thinking. I started thinking you’ve never been sorry. You haven’ t been sorry for a single thing you’ve done in your life. But you will be. Because tonight after you come home with your sorry flowers and your sorry lines I’ll smile and say it’s okay. After your sorry kisses and sorry fuck, after you say you love me then roll over and leave me to sleep in the wet spot I’ll let it pass and you’ll think things are okay again. But when you fall asleep I will slide out of that wet spot and into the closet where I’ve a little gift for you… a board with rusty nails in it. I’m gonna go to that closet and get that board then I’m gonna wind up like Barry Bonds, you’re favorite slugger, and I’m gonna smash your sorry balls into a fucking bloody pulp. I can hear your footsteps now, climbing the stairs, probably for your last time. For once I can’t wait to see you. I can’t wait.
Date Written: January 25, 2005 Author:Jawbreaker Average Vote: 3.25
Comments:
02/11/2005cuntry: i hate that the last line is there.
02/11/2005cuntry (3): anger felt real though, which i liked
02/11/2005The Rid: Whew! Finally a short about hating men! Is this Jawbreaker?
02/11/2005muh: Yo, this is the rid, muh.
02/11/2005duh: duh, why you sayin that, yo?
02/11/2005muh: Yo, duh. I is only say that acuz I smell it, muh.
02/11/2005TheBuyer: This may have put limits on my forever.
02/11/2005muh: Yo, duh. No doubt that The Rid is Mr. Negative, muh. Jawbreaker, yeah, I think that's a real chick, muh. The Rid same some shit sometimes, sho.
02/11/2005Mr. Pony: No doubt, no doubt, muh. Jawbreaker tho, she sure say she a she a lot, neh? Maybe, maybe. Rid always say what he thinking with out meaning to, sure.
02/11/2005duh: Shee-hih, Mister Pony. You stayin' outta this.
02/11/2005muh: Yo, duh. I love when Pony tries to be all street, muh. Fuck off, Pony. This is Guest Side shit, straight up.
02/11/2005Litcube: This is very serious.
02/11/2005Litcube: Also, guys, quit making fun of the sexually ambiguous Mr. Negaridbreaker. This is serious.
02/11/2005Mr. Pony: Anyhow, I'm not sure how to read this thing. I'm pretty sure it's not trying to be funny, but I'm not sure what it's trying to get across. Unless it's real. Any of you guys fancy this Barry Bonds?
02/11/2005Mr. Pony: You're right, Litcube. This is dead serious. º_º
02/11/2005The Rid: All, I wouldn't vote on my own short. Unless I were going to countervote on it. Get me? PS, I'm not Jawbreaker. Assmouths!
02/11/2005Jon Matza: Very jokey & lighthearted. Lots of laugh-out-loud one-liners.
02/11/2005anonymous: Author: Are you winding up like Barry Bonds pre-steroids? Of course, this would be a difficult point in time to locate.
02/11/2005Litcube: Anon_a, Matza: This is the dead cold sober serious room you've entered. Please conduct yourselves accordingly.
02/11/2005anonymous: But Rid, you DIDN'T vote on this short, dummy! Anyway, I thought this crowd needed a little taste of a wife beating short. Not that wife beating is funny, of course.
02/11/2005Mr. Pony: Yeah, it's kind of serious.
02/11/2005anonymous: This idea actually came from a co-worker. Not a victim, but a man that hears me complain about how women always get the shit end of the stick. I wanted this woman to give the guy what he truly deserved.
02/11/2005The Author's Husband: Look, I said I was sorry, all right?
02/11/2005The Author's Husband: Now come here and suck daddy's balls.
02/11/2005anonymous: But you don't have any balls left! Fucker!
02/11/2005Litcube: Sir, unfortunately, at this time I'm going to have to escort you to the lobby. The placard near the entrance clearly indicates that this is a very serious venue.
02/11/2005anonymous: Thank you Litcube. I appreciate that.
02/11/2005The Wet Spot: I really don't appreciate how no one is taking my feelings into account here. I mean, how would you like it if someone talked about you like you were some sort of penalty, a pariah among spots? Complain about me again, author, I dare you.
02/11/2005The Author's Husband: Come suck daddy's pulverized testicles. Stick your tongue into the biggest nailhole. Yeah, that one there. Ssssss. Nnnnnnnggh.
02/11/2005The Author's Husband: Shut up, Wet Spot. Stop trying to get in on it. You're ruining it.
02/11/2005The Wet Spot: Oh! Look at me! I'm all disenfranchised!
02/11/2005The Wet Spot: Oh, I'm so sorry, Author's Husband! I could have sworn you were done. By all means, continue!
02/11/2005The Rid (4):
02/11/2005The Author's Husband: No, Wet Spot, I'm done. Continue to flog the horse you murdered.
02/11/2005The Wet Spot: No, you're right, I should have kept out of it; the only thing worse than someone beating a joke to death is two people doing it.
02/11/2005The Author's Husband: You're two different people?
02/11/2005The Wet Spot: Wow. No, I meant you.
02/11/2005The Wet Spot: I mean, I thought that was pretty clear.
02/11/2005Look! I'm Something Else From This Short! Me Too!: Hey Husband, lay off Wet Spot. His comments are worthwhile and funny.
02/11/2005Mr. Pony: You three are an embarrassment.
02/11/2005So Mr. Pony Is Wet Spot:
02/11/2005Mr. Pony: What? That's not true.
02/11/2005Yes it is. Obviously.:
02/11/2005anonymous: "The Wet Spot": You are the douchebag around here it seems. You too "The Author's Husband"
02/11/2005The Voice of Authority: A Mediocre Writer:
02/11/2005TheBuyer: wow, is it a tard moon tonight or something?
02/11/2005anonymous: Shut up, Fraser...
02/11/2005anonymous: Cool. I know I am not the best writer. It doesn't mean you have to go and come up with all these oh so creative names to poke fun at the topic of my short. You can just tell me in your normal name you thought my short sucked and that's fine. I'll respect that.
02/11/2005Hurt Feelings: (sniff)
02/11/2005anonymous: Your short sucked.
02/11/2005anonymous: Thanks!
02/11/2005anonymous: really suckt.
02/11/2005Everyone But Wet Spot: I probably would have made the same comments from the Author's Husband (et al) even if I'd liked your short, for what it's worth. You don't own the topic of spousal abuse, you know. I can poke fun at it without your precious fucking sanctification.
02/11/2005Mr. Pony: Author, you really shouldn't concern yourself with all these anonymous and fake people. I think some of them just have a case of the "Fridays".
02/11/2005anonymous: Thanks, Mr. Pony. I completely agree.
02/11/2005TheBuyer (4): Well, I liked it, I think. Those comments are kind of distracting, but fuck, it whatever, big guest four for decently written seriousness.
02/11/2005Ewan Snow: Hey, Author, would you like a few positive words of encouragement? No? Well I'll provide them anyway. First the bad news: I probably wouldn't give this short a high rating, because I don't think it's all that funny nor is it refreshingly original or surprising in some other way. It was a little too Thelma and Louise for this guy's tastes. Revenge plots just leave me a little cold. However, the good news is that I think the writing is decent. I think the details you included were apt. Even though I appreciate (and laughed at) some of the comments below by "The Wet Spot", I thought the wet spot was a nice detail. I also like that the weapon of choice is a board with rusty nails. Actually, that’s probably my favorite detail.
Now assuming you actually are a woman, or even, I guess, if you're not, but are trying to write a short that counters some of the usual phalocentric stuff here, I think you maybe took a wrong turn with the premise. Now I don’t know what you were going for, so if I’m wrong, please ignore this, but you’ll notice that the typical short on this site (in the genre I am guessing you are trying to counter with this short) is not about a sad male victim getting revenge on an evil woman. It’s about a self-satisfied asshole. (You’ll also notice that shorts like that in which the narrator is “harshing” on a woman or women, are actually making fun of the narrator, not the woman, but that’s a whole other subject.) Maybe you could write a short about a woman who loves cutting guys balls off, not because she’s been abused, but just cuz it gets her rocks off. Maybe she feels a smug satisfaction that she’s just doing what’s right. I should say, however, that this wouldn’t necessarily be funny or interesting; you’d have to provide that part. But at least then you’d have a female character analogous to the male ones we have all come to know and love here on acme!
02/11/2005anonymous: Snow, like you said I was trying to counter some of the shorts here. I can see where I did not achieve that goal. All of a sudden it turned into an abused woman short instead of the bitch gets the last word short. I like the feedback though, thanks!
02/11/2005Phony Millions (3): Whew Ewan, I think the chick of this short could kick your ass! I liked 'sorry fuck', but the rest was sort of dismal with not much pay off.
02/11/2005Ewan Snow: um...
02/11/2005TheBuyer: chicken?
02/11/2005Litcube (3): For the details.
02/11/2005Ewan Snow: well, I don't like rusty nails is all. I mean, they don't tickle!
02/11/2005TheBuyer: good point HA HA HA
02/11/2005TheBuyer: ...I just don't know what motivates me sometimes.
02/11/2005Phony Millions: The same as all of us, Buyer: ennui.
02/11/2005Benny Maniacs (2): No, really I'm sorry. I thought this was wandering dangerously close to the one star realm for most of the short. I was expecting it to jump up with a cheerful "Gotcha!" ending, but alas, it stayed morose and thick until the end. Granted, it got a little cheesy in the last few sentences, which made me mistake it for a two star short, but I think this short really belongs someplace else, like an Alchoholics Anonymous pamphlet, or some kind of self help something.
02/12/2005John Slocum (4): An enjoyable read, some good writing, and thanks for this: 'I’m gonna smash your sorry balls into a fucking bloody pulp.' Zoinks! I'll bet that'd hurt!
Now assuming you actually are a woman, or even, I guess, if you're not, but are trying to write a short that counters some of the usual phalocentric stuff here, I think you maybe took a wrong turn with the premise. Now I don’t know what you were going for, so if I’m wrong, please ignore this, but you’ll notice that the typical short on this site (in the genre I am guessing you are trying to counter with this short) is not about a sad male victim getting revenge on an evil woman. It’s about a self-satisfied asshole. (You’ll also notice that shorts like that in which the narrator is “harshing” on a woman or women, are actually making fun of the narrator, not the woman, but that’s a whole other subject.) Maybe you could write a short about a woman who loves cutting guys balls off, not because she’s been abused, but just cuz it gets her rocks off. Maybe she feels a smug satisfaction that she’s just doing what’s right. I should say, however, that this wouldn’t necessarily be funny or interesting; you’d have to provide that part. But at least then you’d have a female character analogous to the male ones we have all come to know and love here on acme!