AcmeShorts

"My work as a mammalian biologist is quite intellectually enriching. I regularly survey the experiences of my vocation to better understand human behavior and the social trajectory thereof."

"For instance, consider hippopotami. They may appear to be lumbering and dull-witted beasts of Artiodactylic descent, but they have evolved very complex social interactions. It is a regular habit of hippopotami to take shits - literally - on their social inferiors. It's called ``dung showering'', and it codifies the social order, a breakdown of which could cause the spiralling extinction of the species. It's a disgusting yet critical expression of superiority and ownership."

"So, my dear friend, this is the promised explanation for my behavior at your recent nuptials. I do hope the tuxedo wasn't ruined."

Now I understood everything. The bastard would pay. I clenched the letter and scowled, but the fury wouldn't come. I was already the beta male; I was already in his thrall.