AcmeShorts

This is a five star short and I’ll tell you why: it dispenses with the customary fourth wall, the artifice that divides author from reader; in a bold paradigm-grope it addresses you directly. And don’t you deserve it? I mean, enough games. Seriously. Seriously. This is a short-in-the-round and audience participation is not just encouraged, it’s required. So, readers, welcome in to this short, make yourselves at home. Dylan, how about a glass of Scotch? Qualcomm, don’t be upset if this is a rip off of one of yours. Ewan, you stuffy cunt, let down your hair and enjoy this short. Matza, go ahead, post an anonymous comment, I won’t mind. Evans, this short could use a soundtrack, do you know any Liberace? Slocum, I encourage you to pair this short with braised lamb. Benny, welcome back. Disney, FU! Mr. Pony, feel free to draft a picture of how this short makes you feel. The Buyer, um, something about hockey and Mounties.

But this short isn’t just a gimmick, that’s what’s truly great about it. It also has a lot of heart, for instance, it tells the story of Jack, a guy who’s just dying for a little affection. He sits quietly in his office (he’s a private dick) and waits for a leggy blonde to walk through his door. But she never comes and so he feels this shrinking feeling in his groin as a certain quiet sadness overwhelms him. And it also has a part that discusses the texture of a fresh, soft, warm turd, as it splats on the sidewalk, steaming off the canine heat that so recently harbored it. And here, in this very sentence, there is mention of gay anal sex, with its man passion on full display as hairy hips slap against hairy ass and the rigid rod of manhood disappears into.... Note the castration imagery evoked during this description of penetration. There’s an old creepy house on a hill out of a gothic novel in this short and a village idiot from the middle ages; there’s a futuristic despot commanding his followers toward a galactic battle, and a quiet school girl episode of embarrassment and self-doubt; there are no topical references in this short, thank God, but there’s a first person bit where the narrator is self-congratulatory even though we all know he’s a jackass; here it comes: I’ve known a lot of great vulvas in my time, and take it from me, they’re each as unique as a fingerprint – and twice as sexy!

I don’t really know. Maybe this isn’t working. I’m going to go back and revise it. Maybe this is too “tricky”. But you see, at least I’m being honest with you, at least I’m inviting you in to the process instead of putting on an exhibit behind bulletproof glass. Keep in mind, representation is not just a presentation done twice. This is your short. You own it. You ask who wrote it? We all did. We all wrote this short, and that’s why it’s so special. Good night, and God bless Acme Shorts.