"So I had sex with my ex-girlfriend last night," I said.
"Oh, man," said Jim. "You know what happens when you sleep with her."
I nodded. "Yeah, she started crying afterward."
Jim said, "Did she ask, 'God, why did I sleep with you if you're just going to get up and leave?'"
"Yeah."
"What'd you do?"
"What else could I do?" I said. "I hit her in the face with a brick."
"Then what?"
"Well, the crying stopped." I stirred some sugar into my coffee. "Now I gotta go over there and vacuum all the semen out of her vagina. And pour some acid in there to get rid of the DNA. Then I gotta kill the dog and set the place on fire."
"Full day," said Jim.
"Yep."
"Need some help?"
"Yep."
Jim looked at his Palm Pilot. "How about 6:30?"
"Works."
"Alright," Jim stood up and put on his coat. "See you later."
"Later," I said.
Date Written: January 17, 2005 Author:The Rid Average Vote: 3.4
Comments:
02/3/2005Jawbreaker: Another woman hating short that made me laugh!
02/3/2005Dick Vomit: Perhaps, Jawbreaker, it is YOU who is the real misogynist! [?]
02/3/2005anonymous: Thanks, Jawbreaker!
02/3/2005The Rid: Pretty funny, I think.
02/3/2005Jawbreaker (5): Maybe you are right DV. Maybe I DO hate my own kind. Those bitches. Just for that this gets a high rating.
02/3/2005Cyrus (5): Jim is a true friend.
02/3/2005anonymous: Everyone needs a friend like Jim.
02/3/2005Litcube: You are meanies.
02/3/2005anonymous: What are you talking about? Jim's a good guy!
02/3/2005Daphne: I get the feeling that this guy is making up the whole story to hide what REALLY happened.
02/3/2005Cyrus: Jim is a great guy author!
02/3/2005Litcube (2):
02/3/2005The Rid: Want to five this, but not sure yet.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: Will it count?
02/3/2005The Rid: Pony, I'm shocked that you think I would stoop to such levels. Shocked, sir.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony (2): Anyway, the ratings and implied ratings on this one are ridiculous, and I thank Litcube for bringing reason to the table (!). The laundry list of violence is sophomoric, and even the exchanges intended to be mundane seem really forced. And Daphne, your explanation is interesting, but there's really not enough to support it. Author, the Palm Pilot was a nice touch.
02/3/2005anonymous: Well, Mr. Pony, I can't change your vote or your mind, but whatever. It's supposed to be mundane (I disagree that it's forced) and the "sophomoric" violence itself is presented in a way that suggests it's no more important than a list of things to do at work over the course of the day, thereby making it just another "thing" that happens; I find that funny. I get the feeling that you throw in with Litcube more as a corrective measure than an "I really feel this way" measure. But what do I know?
02/3/2005cuntry (3): This sort of dies fter the brick-hit, no pun intended. It was off to a rockin' start though.
02/3/2005TheBuyer (2): Anyone over here not sucking it? No? Okay, then I can continue.
If this short were a radio commercial for a body-dissolving product it would read like this mostly and I would switch to a talk station. Dialogue without a context is something I have bad dreams about. Also I am very, VERY ill today and spent half an hour petting a My Little Pony and I could be wrong but I think that she winked at me.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: Author, I admit that the reasons for the fives ("DV has uncovered the possibility that I don't like women"; "I used to be TREE"; and "I want to") caused me a little irritation, and for a moment I was tempted to drop a corrective one, but I feel that one-star votes should be reserved for those times when the author is going out of his or her way to be a fucking moron, and I'm beginning to believe that corrective votes are a dangerous thing to get involved in. As for the joke of this short, believe it or not, I actually get that these guys are talking about doing something bad the same way they'd talk about helping a friend move to a new apartment. I understand that the (strangely redundant) moves to eradicate evidence are supposed to be mundane, and therefore funny, but I stand by my statement that the list itself is indeed "sophomoric". Furthermore, the joke of two men standing around talking in a Joe Friday tone about their deviant sexuality or illegal activities doesn't feel terribly new to me, and frankly this particular execution is a little on the clumsy side. The fact that it's an old joke, I guess, is fine, but to suggest that I'm "throwing in" with Litcube to "correct" for some fives is a little silly. This short is pretty clearly a two, as far as I'm concerned. Others may think different things, and that's okay!!
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: Author, I admit that the reasons for the fives ("DV has uncovered the possibility that I don't like women"; "I used to be TREE"; and "I want to") caused me a little irritation, and for a moment I was tempted to drop a corrective one, but I feel that one-star votes should be reserved for those times when the author is going out of his or her way to be a fucking moron, and I'm beginning to believe that corrective votes are a dangerous thing to get involved in. As for the joke of this short, believe it or not, I actually get that these guys are talking about doing something bad the same way they'd talk about helping a friend move to a new apartment. I understand that the (strangely redundant) moves to eradicate evidence are supposed to be mundane, and therefore funny, but I stand by my statement that the list itself is indeed "sophomoric". Furthermore, the joke of two men standing around talking in a Joe Friday tone about their deviant sexuality or illegal activities doesn't feel terribly new to me, and frankly this particular execution is a little on the clumsy side. The fact that it's an old joke, I guess, is fine, but to suggest that I'm "throwing in" with Litcube to "correct" for some fives is a little silly. This short is pretty clearly a two, as far as I'm concerned. Others may think different things, and that's okay!!
02/3/2005Jon Matza: I, Matza, will now dispense my lofty, authoritative assessment: a tired, calculated shock-type premise redeemed & made effective to a degree by the simple, restrained execution. There will be no more discussion of this short.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: Okay, folks, you can ignore one of those posts. Don't matter which.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: One second, Matza. I'm interested to hear Cyrus' & Jawbreaker's reasons for liking this short!
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: And then I'll totally fight you over this one, if you want.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: you diner-style electroplated chrome double-tall napkin dispenser
02/3/2005Jawbreaker: Maybe the idea of this short wasn't original in your eyes Pony, but I thought that having Jim hitting her in the face with a brick was pretty darn funny and unexpected. When I first started reading it I thought it would go in a different direction like him calling her a slut and kicking her out or calling her a bad lay. But I was pleasantly surprised by the violence and the agreement of his friend helping him dispose of the body with no questions asked. I thought this this short deserved a 5!
02/3/2005Jon Matza: heliarch-welded, extra shiny chrome triple-tall, try
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: Where's Mr. Negative? Why hasn't Mr. Negative weighed in? Or, I guess, why has he not weighted in?
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: Triple-tall! Pfffft! As IF!!!
02/3/2005Mr. Negative: I try not to get involved when I have positive feelings for a short. Jerk.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: What about you, Rid? (Matza, my abrupt exhale was totally out of line, and I apologize.)
02/3/2005The Rid: Hey, I wrote it. I can't comment on it.
02/3/2005anonymous: Matza, I appreciate your comment.
02/3/2005anonymous: And Pony, I want to thank you for the link to Webster's Online. Nothing like a little insult added to injury.
02/3/2005anonymous: Really, Buyer, you give the jalapeno short three stars and this two? I have a lot of respect for you, but come on.
02/3/2005anonymous: And Pony, I never accused you of not getting it.
02/3/2005Cyrus: I am aware that this is an old joke however it was delivered well. The "well, the crying stopped" delivered as he stirs his coffee and Jim checking his Palm Pilot to schedule the cleaning of the scene were well timed. The overall effect of this was so pulp fiction I couldn't not laugh. Yes I am aware of the author and still detest his lazy recycled ideas and comments, but the short deserved the 5*'s.
I still think you should hold your breath for a few years Rid.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: Well, you put my word in quotes, so I thought I'd throw it back at you, linking to a definition. I see now that maybe that was overly harsh. My intent may have been to insult you, but not to injure you, and I apologize.
02/3/2005Dick Vomit (3): Hey, people. I'm a person, too! We're all people here, right? am I right? This just ain't no 5. And that's all there is to it. We're still all people, people!
02/3/2005Litcube: Rid, Mr. Negative, Jawbreaker, etc.: For me, this short fell extra flat due to the lack of detail; you’ve used stark white droll tone to little benefit. Sometimes this extra embossment of flavour isn't necessary, but in a premise such as this: "dude clubs chick with brick / banal plan of clean up", I feel ripped off. What I’m saying here, is that I feel violated and empty, and that your strategy for rendering my insides barren of hope and caring brings me closer to the monster inside us all. So I blame you. For everything.
You owe me.
02/3/2005The Rid: Cube, I have to ask why you lump Jawbreaker and I into the same category? Do you really still think we're the same person? I can assure you, we're not.
Lack of detail? Isn't that the idea? I think so.
02/3/2005Litcube: Do I still think that, you ask... [quivering lip, clutching stomach]
02/3/2005Jimson S. Sorghum (3): I agree with pony. I did like the delivery, but knew where it was going, etc.
02/3/2005Dick Vomit: Hey, The Rid. That seems like an odd Q to ask ol' Cuber. I mean, he just mentioned Jawbreaker and Mr. Negs, and you bring up...HEY!
02/3/2005Jawbreaker: Hey DV... this is Jawbreaker. I am not the Rid. But if you guys keep on insisting I am a dude than fine. I will not defend myself anymore about it.
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: Mr. Negative? I have a question for you.
02/3/2005TheBuyer: Leave the lady alone, she obviously lives in a separate head from The Rid. Mr. Negative, don't you want to know what the question from Mr. Pony is?
02/3/2005Mr. Pony: I think he's trying to answer it.
02/3/2005Mr. Negative: Alright, goddamnit, what's the question?
02/3/2005Benny Maniacs (4): Four for rythm.
03/10/2005Mr. Negative (5): Mr. Negative weighs in again. FU.
03/10/2005anonymous: I think the word "weigh" has implications that don't apply here!
If this short were a radio commercial for a body-dissolving product it would read like this mostly and I would switch to a talk station. Dialogue without a context is something I have bad dreams about. Also I am very, VERY ill today and spent half an hour petting a My Little Pony and I could be wrong but I think that she winked at me.
I still think you should hold your breath for a few years Rid.
You owe me.