AcmeShorts

"To be accurate, I only drink when I'm already high on something else, so maybe you should just tone down that whole "alcoholic rage" speech and concentrate on my other substance abuse, huh?

Maybe my coke bugs are the problem this time, did you think of that? Did you think of my coke bugs? No. No, you didn't. Drunk people are incapacitated by one, maybe two shots with a taser at the most, at the MOST. I took six. Six is more than one or two - it's six.

And another thing, while we're on the subject of all of the things that I do that you don't like me to do because they're 'bad' and I do them, as in 'use' them, where do you get off saying that all the marijuana cigarettes I smoke make me stupid? That's absurd. Marijuana cigarettes represent a small percent of the things that I smoke and you know it, so you stop, you just go ahead and you stop right this very instant and you just think about the other things that I do.

You've seen my penis, everyone has seen my penis, and do you know why that is important to this conversation right now even though it may seem like I'm just looking for a reason to intruduce the word 'penis'? I'll remind you, I don't need an excuse to intruduce the word 'penis', I could have said the word 'penis' many times for no reason, but I have a reason and I'll show you. See? See my penis? Look at my penis. It has shrunk a great deal. A very great deal, my penis has shrunk, hasn't it? Yes. You can't reasonably expect alcoholic beverages and marijuana cigarettes to shrink a penis, can you? No, you can't, so where is your argument now that you've seen my tiny shrunken penis? The crank shrunk my penis, not the booze. Crank isn't booze, is it? No, it's amphetamines, methamphetamines.

See, now who sounds stupid? You can lay off of my drinking, I'm fine."