We were on the trail of a fantastic buck mule deer: 14-point and at least 10 hands high. An exemplar of the North American model of conservation. Our natural rezources made flesh.
It was a cold, rainy October on the southern escarpment of Mt. Rainier. Our guide, Lambert Great Moon had led us on a forced march after this magnificent beast for the past three sleepless days, following its musky spore trail on the fronds of Rainier's lush ferns. Well it was finally paying off: I had his virile haunches in my sights. I released my caribou horn-tipped arrow and watched it penetrate the animal's shapely flanks. It dropped in the wet snow.
We rushed over to check our kill. Kneeling, I caressed its warm, velvety musculature.
"Beautiful animal," I remarked, placing the chamois in which I'd collected some of his rich, unmistakable spore up to my mouth. It was the same one all right.
Still, something felt wrong. A sense of unfulfillment weighed my bosom. Hunting was the way in which man experienced a deeper understanding of the connection between birth and death, but I felt incomplete.
to be continued... [Sorry for the delay, folks, but the Butte Public Library, where I access the Internet, doesn't open until 2:30 EST!]
Date Written: January 13, 2005 Author:Shane Mahoney Average Vote: 2.7778
Comments:
02/1/2005The Rid: Did someone put in a placeholder and forget it was a placeholder?
02/1/2005Ewan Snow: What are you talking about? This one's good.
02/1/2005Mr. Negative (5): Place holder or not, this brings the lustre crashing to a new low. FUCK YEAH!!
02/1/2005The Rid: Snow, it was just a question. Sheesh!
02/1/2005Ewan Snow: Okay, Rid, but you know, I was, like, joking. Sheesh! Actually, it is a sort of funny sentence, but still...
02/1/2005Dick Vomit (1): My comment (optional):
02/1/2005Jawbreaker: I don't think I get it.
02/1/2005The Rid: What's to get? I think it's a pretty solid undertaking. Just like my stool this morning.
02/1/2005Jawbreaker: I think that is more information I needed to know, Rid.
02/1/2005anonymous: Again, I apologize. I hope you will judge this short based on its merits: that is, insofar as it addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources.
02/1/2005The Rid: OMG!!! Shane Mahoney writes a short!
02/1/2005Dick Vomit: Before reading the full short, I apologize for the 1-bomb. Considering it was Author's first submission, I did not expect the correction.
02/1/2005Litcube: I thought hunting in a national park was illegal, based on certain laws pertaining to the conservation of natural rezources.
02/1/2005TheBuyer (1): I fail to see how this addresses the post-revolution statement of Socialism in the Castro rule of Cuba and how the second insurgent revolution in the mountains was later crushed.
02/1/2005Mr. Negative: You know, Mahoney, I fail to see how this piece addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources. Someone corrective 1-star this fucker for my jumping to conclusions fiveness.
02/1/2005Mr. Negative: PS, Mahoney, you're an asshole.
02/1/2005anonymous: Litcube: you are correct, but we were part of a federally deputized cull team. The failure of the rictus crane to nest in Rainier's tidal marshes that year had had a ripple effect throughout the ecosystem, resulting in a catastrophically large mule deer herd.
02/1/2005The Rid (1): Gotcha covered, Mr. Negative.
02/1/2005The Rid: Thanks, Rid. Go fuck yourself.
02/1/2005The Rid: Great. This is what happens when I let my colleagues use my computer. What the hell is going on here?
02/1/2005TheBuyer: o burn.
02/1/2005Ewan Snow: This has some highly qualcomm language. Chamois, for instance. QC, are you sure you aren't Shane Mahoney? I know Pony presented compelling evidence that it was scoop, but this has some real qc verbiage.
02/1/2005qualcomm: jesus christ, i'm being indicted on chamois? this is an outrage. i can see you still haven't let go of our argument, snow.
02/1/2005qualcomm: i mean, it may be you. after all, he used the word haunches.
02/1/2005ElTwisto (1): Viva.
02/1/2005Ewan Snow: Oh, cram it qc. Your silly suggestion that my suspicion of you is based on our recent argument only implicates you further. Your denial seems a little too frothy, I must say. Also, "rezources" seems to indicate you as well. Plus, I don't mind that you're Shane Mahoney. It's cool. And just to humor you, who else could it be?
02/1/2005qualcomm: pony says he has irrefutable evidence it's scoop.
02/1/2005qualcomm: (though i think he was framed)
02/1/2005Mr. Negative: Rid, since you can't even control your own keyboard, I must suggest that you too are a jerk.
02/1/2005The Rid: Thanks. Now I feel bad for 1-starring this short. What do you care if Shane Mahoney is a bum?
02/1/2005Ewan Snow: So does Buyer. Here's the evidence Pony posted.
02/1/2005Mr. Negative: Fuck you, Rid. And fuck Snow and Qualcomm for bringing their pissing contesst into another short.
02/1/2005The Rid: Yeesh! Senor Negativo, now you've bloody well done it.
02/1/2005Mr. Negative: Rid, you're a dick.
02/1/2005anonymous: Ya screw you, Rid!
02/1/2005The Rid: I think I've had enough.
02/1/2005anonymous: Tip: to hone your tracking skills, there's no better practice than dissecting and studying your own scat.
02/1/2005anonymous: My guess is The Rid wrote this fine piece of scat.
02/1/2005The Rid: Well, I can say that I didn't write this one. Sorry, anon_b.
02/1/2005Litcube: So, Rid, now you're Jawbreaker and Mr. Negative?
02/1/2005The Rid: Cube, I admit nothing. Though some of my colleagues have started snooping around Acme and it's possible that in the newsroom, we cross logins (there aren't enough computers for all of us).
I am neither Mr. Negative nor Jawbreaker.
02/1/2005Litcube: IT WAS JUST A QuESTION! SHEEESH!!!! FUCK!
02/1/2005TheBuyer: You mean classmates, not colleagues though, right?
02/1/2005Mr. Pony: Hey, Litcube, I noticed that, too. One after another, one minute apart. (3:42:17 - 3:45:12) Never seen an argument happen that fast!
02/1/2005Mr. Pony: Wait a minute, you expect us to believe that you dropped a full-grown caribou with one shot, with an arrow, in the ass? Shane Mahoney, I used to believe in you. I used to believe in you, but now I think you're a fraud, a blue-tipped L.L. Bean fraud. Get away from me. Don't touch me.
02/1/2005Mr. Pony: Mr. Pony, I fail to see how your feelings address the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources.
02/1/2005Mr. Pony: Stomach Foot here.
02/1/2005TheBuyer: You get your bible yet, smarty pants?
02/2/2005Litcube: Mr. Pony is going crazy. :( He is going crazy because he is talking to himself. He is also going crazy because he thinks a mule dear is a caribou. :(
He's right on his other point, though, as a Canadian wildlife expert and notorious hunter, Shaun, you should know to aim for the lungs & heart, and with that bow, you'll be tracking a blood trail for quite some time before your buck’s down.
02/2/2005Litcube: deer
02/2/2005Mr. Pony: Right, Mule deer. You all see where my mistake was, right?
02/2/2005Litcube: The fact that you went crazy?
02/2/2005Mr. Pony: Why, you...!
02/2/2005Mr. Pony: °_°
02/2/2005Litcube:
02/2/2005Mr. Pony:
02/2/2005scoop (5):
02/2/2005Mr. Pony: (): Yeah, this isn't so bad.
02/2/2005Jon Matza: Sure enough, it's a good short. Folks, if acme's going to maintain any credibility, credit must be given where it's due, regardless of feelings being hurt and/or frustration over the bad faith voting antics of Mahoney, the "alliance" and others. As someone pointed out today, money only works if people believe in it. Likewise, this is a tricky time for acme because our star-based currency is in danger of becoming discredited/meaningless thanks to the increase in voter fraud perpetrated by the alliance and other disgruntled parties. The inevitable long-term effect: our attention will get increasingly deflected into grievances, arguments, power struggles etc instead of good writing, comedy & criticism.
Take a stand against corruption, authors, and vote based on merit, not personal considerations (revenge, hurt feelings, desire to win, etc)! Don't be tempted to balloon your own average at the expense of the community's well-being! Don't freak out if you get a few undeserved one stars! Etc! Thank you!
02/2/2005Mr. Pony (3): Matza's right, folks, and I hope you've all learned your lesson here. Hopefully the fake votes that scoop & I laid down have shown you all that not only are you voting on the short and not the author, but that this statement is value-neutral--scratch-my-back voting is as stupid and impotent as revenge voting. With every vote cast stupidly, you decrease the value of the next vote; not just yours, but everyone's. Voting alliances, creating fake identities to applaud your shorts--You're all only cheating yourselves, even if you don't get caught. Good job, assholes.
As for this short, aside from the language, just about the only thing interesting about it us that it spectacularly fails to live up to Shane Mahoney's central thesis, except in the mind, perhaps, of the narrator. Charming of language, bereft of weight, although the weight it claims to have is kind of funny. 2.5, rounded up TO 3 because THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING DO WHEN ROUNDING X.5--YOU FUCKING ROUND UP TO X + 1, IDIOTS. X.4999 etc. IS ROUNDED DOWN TO X. NOW, X.49 WITH A REPETEND BAR OVER THE NINE IS UP ROUNDED TO X.5, AND THUSLY TO X + 1. FOR SOME REASON, .9 REPETEND IS CONSIDERED EQUIVALENT TO 1, AND SO ON. I DON'T KNOW WHY. DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHY?
02/2/2005TheBuyer: oh fuck it, I'm taking a break.
02/2/2005Mr. Joshua: Z-Dog: Has it occured to you that your statement:
"Likewise, this is a tricky time for acme because our star-based currency is in danger of becoming discredited/meaningless thanks to the increase in voter fraud perpetrated by the alliance and other disgruntled parties. The inevitable long-term effect: our attention will get increasingly deflected into grievances, arguments, power struggles etc instead of good writing, comedy & criticism." is exactly the Paradigm Shift that Cyrus and I have been talking about? Maybe it's time you re-considered the Alliance. You too, Pony.
02/2/2005Mr. Pony: How does the alliance stand on the activity of rounding?
02/2/2005Mr. Joshua: The Alliance is in full agreeance with your rounding theories, Pony. Whenever I do one of those cutesy votes, if I want to round down, I vote .4444 repetend. I think you would be really happy over here, and we could certainly use your immense talents.
02/2/2005Dylan Danko (4): This short is a parody of a particular hunting show on a particular hunting channel watched by me, Scoop and QC. So, Shane is one of those two assholes.
02/2/2005anonymous: sentence 2, paragraph 4 contains the solution to the question of shane mahoney
02/2/2005anonymous: It is obvious Mr. Mahoney is not a hunter at all. This "buck mule deer" at 10 hands tall would be to old for a legitimate hunter to shoot. Would only be done as a trophy so this deer was not shot by an environmentally conscious person.
02/2/2005Shane Mahoney: anon_d: Sir, I don't know to which continent's model of rezource management you subscribe, but here in North America, we cull the oldest animals to preserve the youth and vitality of the herd as a whole.
02/2/2005Mr. Pony: With a arrow in tha azz?
02/2/2005anonymous: The standard model for North American Rezource Management indicates culling of immature animals. The older/larger (10 hands!!) animals are left to allow the genetic traits to be passed down and enhance the future of the herd. The immature animals are taken in much greater #'s (than standard model allows) to prevent overgrazing of the natural rezources we all cherish. Any animal as old as this mule would be tough and taste much like the "spore" Mr. Mahoney is so fond of sniffing.
02/2/2005Ewan Snow: That "Sir" further implicates qualcomm.
02/2/2005Mr. Pony: Hi, Snow! Wake up!
02/2/2005Shane Mahoney: I am often asked in my various appearances on the Natural Resource (sic) speaking circuit whether pyrethrum complies with the developing standards of the North American model of natural rezource management. It was during my research into waterfowl parasites during the mid-80s that I discovered pyrethrum. My answer is a qualified yes. So long as the pyrethrum is bio-degradable, as it is in Johnson’s pigeon sprays, and not a hazard to Nature’s immediate treasured biome, it receives my endorsement. Ideally, the best treatment for waterfowl parasites is an all-natural slurry first discovered by Newfoundland’s native Labrador Metis Indain Nation. However the treatment was developed through the spiritual harvesting of a number of plants indigenous to our proud nation, and thus difficult to share with my brother-stewards.
02/2/2005anonymous: Stop repeating yourself.
02/2/2005Jon Matza: Mr. Joshua-I didn't see your below reply till just now, but already sort of replied with my (unresponded to) message board postings here & here. Sure, I can see your purpose is to make voting (even more) meaningless, sow chaos and change acme’s paradigm to the reality show-like, cutthroat free-for-all atmosphere I described below. I just can’t figure out why. Personal power/glory? A lesson to the authors? Simple desire to show how the system can be outsmarted? Actual philosophical opposition to the current structure/belief that acme will be objectively better post-shift? If the last of these is truly part of your motive, would you be willing to explain your vision & why you think it'll make for a better/more interesting acme? These questions are neutral, I'm genuinely curious. Apologies to those who find this overly serious &/or boring.
He's right on his other point, though, as a Canadian wildlife expert and notorious hunter, Shaun, you should know to aim for the lungs & heart, and with that bow, you'll be tracking a blood trail for quite some time before your buck’s down.
Take a stand against corruption, authors, and vote based on merit, not personal considerations (revenge, hurt feelings, desire to win, etc)! Don't be tempted to balloon your own average at the expense of the community's well-being! Don't freak out if you get a few undeserved one stars! Etc! Thank you!
As for this short, aside from the language, just about the only thing interesting about it us that it spectacularly fails to live up to Shane Mahoney's central thesis, except in the mind, perhaps, of the narrator. Charming of language, bereft of weight, although the weight it claims to have is kind of funny. 2.5, rounded up TO 3 because THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING DO WHEN ROUNDING X.5--YOU FUCKING ROUND UP TO X + 1, IDIOTS. X.4999 etc. IS ROUNDED DOWN TO X. NOW, X.49 WITH A REPETEND BAR OVER THE NINE IS UP ROUNDED TO X.5, AND THUSLY TO X + 1. FOR SOME REASON, .9 REPETEND IS CONSIDERED EQUIVALENT TO 1, AND SO ON. I DON'T KNOW WHY. DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHY?