AcmeShorts

John watched his car back out of the driveway with his baby behind the wheel, it is unclear how the baby worked the pedals, a stick maybe. John didn't have a theory, he just stood there with his hand over his mouth while the infant ran a red and fishtailed into mid-day traffic.

"Josh, that light was red," he said, as the car went out of sight, "Oh, f- oh, heck, we haven't done colours yet."

He sprinted back inside the house and dialed the second 1.

"Yes, I'd like to report an uh incedent. My baby -"
My baby what? He beat me up? My baby held a broken Raffi record to my throat and took my wallet? No officer, he's 22 months old he didn't have my permission to take the car, my baby shouldn't even be driving before naptime.

He chortled into the phone, "Before naptime, huh. What? Yes, uh my baby...uh..is..well, his name is Josh, and he's almost two, and he..uh, is a boy!" Click. John cringe-moaned and sat down hard.

He punched the antennae against his head and it broke, the one at the old house retracted. He knew he was in trouble, you don't just hang up on 9-1-1. He also knew he had to call Linda and tell her about the phone.

"No, the baby," he thought, "I should start with that."

He rehearsed his opening, "Hi Linda, you know how Josh likes to play with my keys? Hi, Linda, Josh wants to talk to you, did you leave your cel in the glove-box? Linda, hi sweetie, didn't you just hate that awful phone and car and Baby Beluga record and baby person person? Aww ffffff - HECK HECK HECK! Darnit."

John put the phone down and sat with his crying, baby-smacked head in his hands. He tried to remember where he found that record, maybe the store had another one.