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It was Pat Sajak's last day at work. Finally.

They thought they could replace him with Rolf Benirschke, the Chargers kicker moonlighting as guest host, flirting with TV celebrity. But that guy could only carry the daytime show. The shitty version. Amateurs.

Sajak wanted to go out in style. And since he had input on the words or phrases selected for the show, he was going to make sure it all ended just right. Who do you think came up with the Mink Coat/Trip to Hawaii panel of the wheel? Merv Griffin?! Gimme a break.

The three contestants began making their way through the show's final round. "J," spouted the tubby bitch on the left. Duncan, the mildly retarded extrovert, chose "Z." Sajak grimaced. This was taking forever.

Finally, after several long minutes, the puzzle looked like this:

T H A N _ S

F _ R

N _ T H I N G

C _ C _ S U C _ E R S


Vanna's little aged heart fluttered in anticipation of the remaining letters.

Sajak envisioned himself a despot. But the producers wouldn't allow him to grow the wily pencil-thin moustache he fancied.