Don't try to console me, brother: I just lost my best girl. She said it wasn't me, just we lost our spark and she needed some space. Nothing was definite, she said, she just wanted time to think things through. OK, baby, I says, if that's what you need. Then all a sudden she stops returning my calls and a few days later I see her having a milkshake at Bucky's with some other guy looks just like me. That was a bitter pill, brother, you better believe. So I lost my temper. Guess you didn't want space after all, I yelled, you just wanted a different dude. Then I looked over and realized it wasn't a guy looked like me, it was me--only it wasn't me. Turns out she saved some of my milt on a cotton ball and paid to get me cloned. Didn't make sense far as I could see...I said if she was really so sick of me why not just find a different dude? She starts crying and said she really loves me, but couldn't see a future with me on account of my irresponsibility. She says this fucker has all my good points but he has a good job and career, plus he "fulfills" her in ways I didn't used to. Not in bed, but like he's a good listener. I said bull fuckin' shit, I'm a good listener, I always listened to all your garbage and pretended like I was interested. She said that's the point--he really is interested. Then I look over and saw he had a boner so I got one too--that's the rule if you get a clone, you both get boners at the same time.
Date Written: December 24, 2004 Author:Jon Matza Average Vote: 3.4444
Comments:
12/31/2004Phony Millions (3): Tepid.
12/31/2004The Rid: Kinda funny.
12/31/2004Will Disney (4): That's a very important rule.
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs (4): I believe Larry Niven created that rule.
12/31/2004Cyrus: I don't believe Niven has ever had a hard on. Now Heinlen always made time for love.
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Oh come on, haven't you read Niven's Ringworld series? The entire consecution is nothing more than a plot vehicle for his dissemination on inter-species sex ("rishathra".)
12/31/2004Cyrus: Of course I have read it. There are several bland descriptions of rishathra that did not induce anything near a hard for me. Heinlen's Time enough for love is entirly about sexual relations between large groups of people (3 to 15) and much more hard on inducing in it's descriptions. This is a theme he (Heinlen) carries thru many of his works.
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Indeed, of the two, Heinlein is undoubtedly more of a horn-dawg. However your initial statement was that:
I don't believe Niven has ever had a hard on.
To which I replied with evidence that Niven has spent quite a bit of time contemplating kinky sex, and thus has almost certainly achieved a hard on, even if you, while reading his work, did not.
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: Cyrus is a poo-poo head, is he not?
12/31/2004Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: No, I think it was clear. Are you a poo-poo head?
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: Are you a poo-poo head?
12/31/2004Eliza: Why should you care if I amu a poo-poo head?
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: amu?
12/31/2004Eliza: Is that okay with you?
12/31/2004Cyrus: hmmm....I never considered Niven might be easily aroused. OK point given.
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: don't be a poo-poo head
12/31/2004Eliza: That is quite interesting.
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: have you ever filched a ficus tree?
12/31/2004Eliza: Is that okay with you?
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: no it isn't
12/31/2004Eliza: Perhaps we should study this matter more fully.
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: does the pope have a boner?
12/31/2004Eliza: Is that okay with you?
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: are you an alien life form?
12/31/2004Eliza: Why should you care if I amu an alien life form?
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: do you think the Pope sits in his Pope-mobile and masturbates all day?
12/31/2004Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: I am considering Rishathra
12/31/2004Eliza: Do you believe it is normal to be considering rishathra?
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: I believe it is normal..also I am hard
12/31/2004Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: It suggests you should blow me
12/31/2004Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: get me some coffee.
12/31/2004Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
12/31/2004Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: Sorry. Get me some coffee, bitch.
12/31/2004Eliza: Apologies are not necessary.
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: Slowly take my penis and let it slide between your wet lips repeatedly till I spray my sticky load all over your face
12/31/2004Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: I thought I was pretty clear
12/31/2004Eliza: Is that okay with you?
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: It would be ok for you to blow me
12/31/2004Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: I already did
12/31/2004Eliza: I see.
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: thanks anyway I took care of it myself
12/31/2004Eliza: You're welcome.
12/31/2004Cyrus: Eliza: go make me a sandwich
12/31/2004Eliza: I see.
12/31/2004TheBuyer (4): This is like that Michael Keaton movie, except without the utility belts and shit.
12/31/2004The Rid (4): Funnier the 2nd read.
12/31/2004hagit mizrachy: I just got a "cloner"
01/1/2005Jon Matza: Historians: this was a 10 minute job dashed off to avoid demotion. While it represents a loss of lustre for the Matza brand, analysts and shareholders alike are looking forward to strong gains in 2005!
01/2/2005Litcube (4): I enjoyed your dash job, Matza, regardless of its dashiness, which I thought was intentional upon first read.
01/3/2005scoop (2): Historians: If you read the about acme page you'll see that most of these things are supposed to be dashed off in a short amount of time. So ignore this clever attemtpt by the author to anticipate and deflect criticism and ream it with all your might.
01/3/2005Jon Matza: Don't just ignore it, voters--punish it!
I don't believe Niven has ever had a hard on.
To which I replied with evidence that Niven has spent quite a bit of time contemplating kinky sex, and thus has almost certainly achieved a hard on, even if you, while reading his work, did not.