AcmeShorts

I took over the Chinese-exchange-student-bedroom next to the kitchen and left my brother to fend for himself on the second floor.

My dad was on a soybean kick that year, sprinkling them on everything from oatmeal to ice cream. An industrial-size bag of beans sat by the fridge with a measuring cup inside.

I scooped out a quarter cup, took them to bed, and stuck them up my nose.

It made for a pretty good time lying there. I'd do 2 or 3 at a time, get them really far up for an explosive blow. Eventually, greed got the better of me and I pushed in 6 or 7. I blew hard. 4 flew out. I blew again and got another gooey bean. But the last 2 were hopelessly lodged.

I blew blood, I blew green, I even tried squirting water up there. The beans stayed put. If anything, they crept further out of range.
I fell asleep, crying softly, and thinking I would certainly wake up dead.