AcmeShorts

I was out raking leaves when I heard a voice whisper my name. "Ronald," the voice called, "Ronald."

I stopped raking to listen. Nothing. But a few minutes later: "Ronald... Ronald."

I spun around. There was only the stump of an old apple tree.

"Ronald," it said.

"What the-"

"Don't you remember me, Ronald? You used to climb me and swing from my branches when you were a child."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, giving the stump a couple of hard smacks with my rake.

"You told me your innermost secrets, Ronald, and I held you to my corky heart. As you whiled away your summers in my phloemish bosom, you told me of your hopes and dreams, which I nurtured."

"Nope, sorry, I just don't recall. Now if you don't mind, I've some yardwork--"

"Think, Ronald. Remember. You used to care for me. I was your mother and father. When you needed shade from the sun, my leaves provided it."

"I really should be going," I began, sensing a sermon coming on.

"And when you required sustenance, I gave you my fruit, and nourished you."

"Uh huh."

"And when you desired a new tool shed last summer, I gave you my body, sacrificing my very lifesap for you."

"Ohhhh, now I remember you! You're that fucking giving tree!"

"Yes."

"Anyway, it's been swell catching up..."

"Ronald."

"What."

"Is there anything else I can give you?"

"No, I'm cool."

"There must be something. I want to give you something, Ronald."

"No, like I said, I'm cool."

"Please Ronald, let me express my love in some way."

"Well there is one thing..."

"Oh, thank you, Ronald. Tell me, tell me what it is."

"Would you kindly shut the fuck up," I hissed, my voice strangled with hatred as I beat the stump now in earnest with the rake's handle, blow upon vicious blow. "Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, I'm trying to do some fucking yardwork here, you stupid fucking cunt, will you let me work?!"

For a moment, it was quiet. Then, "Yes, Ronald. I'm sorry to bother you. Yes, I'll be quiet now."

I was panting too hard to reply. I just nodded my head. Then, well it may seem hypocritical, folks, but I was pretty tuckered out after all that, so I dropped my rake and sat down on the giving tree. That stupid fucking giving tree.