Golden shafts of sunlight danced sirloinly in the autumn air as the villagers sought to reap the bounty of their rad harvest. Seeing these simple honest folk toiling away with such verisimilitude did a person a power of good.
“Dude, this loam is so woodpile.” Jenkinsen lifted a handful of freshly manured topsoil up to his ruddy, pendulous, ill-defined tetrahedron of a schnozz, the better to breathe in its dank righteousness.
“Saw a crittlewing this morn.” Farmer Eisengrim cut in. “Looks like we're in for a larmy spell.” His wizened countenance, taciturn plainspokenness and flinty voice reassured all within earshot that a lifetime of hard-won knowledge and experience lay behind the Alzheimer-inspired words.
Aye, it was a mint, mint day. Even the lowing of the cows seemed fruitier (more premium) than usual. Chickens clucked away like clockwork and the crops reached their slender tendrils towards the sky just so. (In particular, the pumpkin and maize crops looked crucial.) In short, everything was as it should be.
Yet as the sage elders had foretold, nothing Bud can stay. Even as the farmers gorged themselves silly on nature’s ripe jackpot, Time’s cruel bonnet was grinning maliciously…for in the distance dark etcs loomed, casting an ominous, non-dairy shadow over the village.
Date Written: October 1, 2004 Author:Jon Matza Average Vote: 4.875
Comments:
10/6/2004qualcomm (5): giving this a five before i even finish reading it.
10/6/2004qualcomm: top round; deco; left-aligned.
10/6/2004qualcomm: brother, was this short a reaction to the less-than-organic poaching of your olestra superlatives? a reclamation, if you will, brother? brother?
10/6/2004scoop (5): Jumbo Lump.
10/6/2004TheBuyer (5): gash
10/6/2004Mr. Pony: If so, Summer, he's also poaching your "woodpile".
10/6/2004qualcomm: but woodpile is a poaching of his general idea.
10/6/2004Dylan Danko (5): Solar
10/6/2004Mr. Pony: Quite a cam-action paradox!
10/6/2004qualcomm: not really.
10/6/2004Mr. Pony: I can see how you could miss it.
10/6/2004qualcomm: matza, i apologize for mr. pony's reflexive last-wordism marring your masonic short. the sight of his name in print is more than he can resist. if you need anything, i'll be over here, being principled.
10/6/2004Dylan Danko: being gang raped you mean.
10/6/2004Ol‘ Summer Sausage: ;-)
10/6/2004anonymous: Say, who here agrees that OSS is a jerk?
10/6/2004Ol‘ Summer Sausage: :-0
10/6/2004Dylan Danko: anon a, you intrigue me.
10/6/2004Ol‘ Summer Sausage: :'(
10/6/2004anonymous: I saw anon_a punching the eldery, she has no credibility.
10/6/2004Dylan Danko: what's wrong with punching the elderly?
10/6/2004anonymous: I just don't think OSS is such a great guy!
10/6/2004anonymous: Is he really that funny?
10/6/2004Dylan Danko: come on now! Don't you think you're being unfair. Once you get to know him he can be very cuddly (gay)
10/6/2004Mr. Pony: Oh, this is ridiculous. Summer wrote this short, Summer is anon_a, and probably anon_b as well. Finch! Help me out here!
10/6/2004anonymous: No, I mean, I just don't think he's so great.
10/6/2004Dylan Danko: Yes pony I think we all know that
10/6/2004The Fonch: Mr Pony -
The Finch is unavailable, but the Legion of Terrible Detectives has asked me to comment:
Dylan Danko is wrong, not everyone knew that.
Signed The Fonch without the benefit of html
10/6/2004Ewan Snow: All fives? Is this really so mish-crit?
10/6/2004Ol‘ Summer Sausage: Hey, Fonch, how is it that you know about the Legion?
10/6/2004qualcomm: it's very original and it made me laugh. what the shit, snow?
10/6/2004Ewan Snow: Yeah, but is it really so mish-crit? That seems to be the really mish-crit question.
10/6/2004qualcomm: yes.
10/6/2004Mr. Pony: Snow, are you suggesting that this joke has been done to death on Acme, and the only thing that's saving it is a competent execution and updated language?
10/6/2004qualcomm: i'll answer for snow: no, it's been done in comments by matza, and by those who imitate this particular invention of his. to suggest something's been done to death by a bunch of imitators is really, really stupid. further, the short takes the idea a slight, but cruc, step further by applying these silly, "modern" adjectives and adverbs to old-timey pastoral/nature stuff.
10/6/2004Mr. Pony: But Snow, that was the well-tread joke I was talking about; the application of modern adjectives and interjections to period pieces. Also, I was suggesting that it's been done to death by Summer, who probably thinks it's still a "cruc" gag.
10/6/2004qualcomm: i put "modern" in quotes (and also used the word "silly"), because the adjectives are not really modern, they're "matza". this isn't the same joke as when, for example, i have a caveman using the phrase "phoning it in." they're patently different gags. this one's a better gag, i think, because it's so damn particular to the author.
also, there's a question of style. do i really need to explain why phrases like "dank righteousness," "nature's ripe jackpot" and "rad harvest" are original and good? this particular 'trope' was invented by the author, and these are some of the best examples of that idea.
10/6/2004qualcomm: addendum: i think the main thing that's particular about this matza trope is tone. there's this extremely specific tone of narrative voice that's immediately recognizable. (who among us hasn't secretly pledged this morning to crush one of his testicles in an old fashioned orange juicer if this wasn't written by matza?)
10/6/2004scoop: I will, you lying ass hole. Still a Jumbo Lump short fella.
10/6/2004scoop: Whatever, liar.
10/6/2004qualcomm: also also: i'd like to point out that on repeated readings, this short reveals itself to be a fusion of many many many different acme tropes (some pioneered by the author (marked below by a *), some not), which all add up to a sum greater than their parts: 1) the "verisimilitude" in the first graf is a nice, subtle example of the whole "this isn't really happening" gag so reviled by craig lewis; 2) matzaisms*; 3) anachronisms; 4) fake pastoral jargon*, like crittlewing and larmy; 5) clumsy writing, like "shafts of sunlight danced".
10/6/2004anonymous: OSS is way off base here. Typically.
10/6/2004Dylan Danko: I thought shafts of sunlight was beautiful.
10/6/2004qualcomm: i submit that to not give this short a five is tantamount to having the stunted sense of humor of a They Might Be Giants fan.
10/6/2004Mr. Pony: Oh, Summer. You're not panicking, are you?
10/6/2004qualcomm: panicking? about what?
10/6/2004Mr. Pony: Oh, Summer.
10/6/2004Ewan Snow: Okay, so it's mish crit, but it isn't quite yellowcake, is it?
10/6/2004Ewan Snow: As opposed to, say, "cafeteria-style", "low-yield", "non-euclidean", or "discount rack"?
10/6/2004TheBuyer: Snow, so who wrote it anyway?
10/6/2004The Finch: Mr. Pony, that's not how it works.[censored]BR[censored]
signed,[censored]BR[censored]
[censored]I[censored]The Finch[censored]/I[censored]
10/6/2004Chance the Gardener (4): This really made me laugh, but I don't really get it!! But mostly I liked it! What's mish-crit?
10/6/2004Chance the Gardener: It's really xcelent that there's a new funny short up every day...this clearly takes a lot of work. Cool!
10/6/2004Mr. Pony (5): this is pretty funny
10/6/2004anonymous: Apologies to those who found this less than two-ply. Re 'is it a reclamation?': more of a celebration, brother! Not only of various recurring acmeisms, as you suggest, but of the practice of poaching itself. As my author description states, I like to have a good time (party)--and to me idea & technique co-option between acme authors--when conscious, anyhow--is generally a pretty tweed phenomenon that only becomes Del Monte in the hands of the non-covalent, the anaerobic, the non-alkaline, &tc.
10/6/2004scoop: Jumbo Lump comment form a Qua author who penned a most Frost Brewed short.
10/6/2004John Slocum (5): This short is Grand Cru.
10/6/2004scoop: Eliza: is this short sirloin or crucial?
10/6/2004Eliza: I see.
10/6/2004scoop: Eliza: does Eliza feel this short is Jumbo Lump or woodpile?
10/6/2004Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
10/6/2004scoop: Eliza: Eliza you tool is this short dairy or two-ply?
10/6/2004Eliza: I see.
10/6/2004scoop: All your going to see is my infected nuts in your sterile galvanized mouth you whore.
10/7/2004Jon Matza: got a vigorous chortle out of that...
08/30/2005The Rid (5): My God, it's so beautiful!
08/31/2005scoop: God damn. This thing never fails to envince a charming, lilting laughter from deep within.
08/31/2005Whom: envince
08/31/2005scoop: One of these days Whom, one of these days...