AcmeShorts

When the doctor came back into the room with test results, Jake put the paperback in his coat pocket and stood up.

Jake said, "Doc, give it to me straight, no one pays attention to me, it hurts when I go like 'this', it's not a hazelnut daquiri."

A pause. The doctor opened the file folder, closed it and took off his glasses.

"Jake," he said.

"Next? Don't go like 'this'? It's a hickory daquiri doc?"

The doctor moved to the model skeleton and turned it around so it's back was facing them. "The tumor has worked itself in between these vertebrae. The increased pressure on your spine will cause problems with your motor functions much sooner than we had predicted. I'm sorry, when I quoted three months, I honestly thought you'd spend them quite normally, you'll be in a wheel chair inside a week, completely paralyzed from the neck down in ten days, and will require a respirator to breathe in no less than 14 days. On the bright side you have can-opener in your ass," the doctor said.

A slow smile spread over Jake's face, "Stop it," Jake shook his head, "No I don't."

"Yes you do, you have an electric can opener in your ass," the doctor said, putting his hand on Jake's shoulder. "A big one."