For a short while when Valentino was ten, he lived in a hospice. One day, a group of stronger boys also living the hospice took his colouring books away and made him play the banjo for them instead. When Valentino began to play, the music summoned a djini who granted the boys some wishes that they could share. All the boys became very excited and wished with all the wishiness their terminal little hearts could bear. Within seconds they had sent the girls in the place packing, grew monkey tails, and they were all very, very rich. It was great! Dying children are so precious. And stupid.
Date Written: August 25, 2004 Author:TheBuyer Average Vote: 4.4444
Comments:
08/27/2004Dick Vomit (4): Booyah-kashah
08/27/2004Benny Maniacs (4): I liked the tone and the specificity with the languages and foreign clime. I thought the end line took away though, seemed a little self-conscious.
08/27/2004qualcomm (4):
08/27/2004Jon Matza (4): Yeah, good, esp. "Within seconds..." sentence. But (to echo Maniacs) it'd be more forceful & less telegraphed to drop "It was great" and end at "Dying children are so precious."
08/27/2004Will Disney (5):
08/27/2004Will Disney: who wrote this? it's swell.
08/27/2004Litcube (4): He was ten and his name was Valentino. Did no one else shed a tear?
08/27/2004Dick Vomit: I think removing the period between precious and and stupid might do the trick nicely.
08/27/2004anonymous: I did! Thanks Will!
08/28/2004Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): This is a really good one. I take issue with the add-on last sentence. Don't think you need it. Otherwise it's very tight. Monkey tails would be an obvious choice, wouldn't it?
08/28/2004Pix (5): Guess I'd better throw in my 5 stars.
02/8/2005Sergio (5): I was a little concerned about what the stronger boys were gonna make Valentino do. Did he eventually die, or does he now look back and want to change his wish?