AcmeShorts

Joe: Handjob.
Eliza: Please go on.
Joe: Uhhhhh!
Eliza: Please go on.
Joe: I’m going to kill you, Eliza.
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am going to kill i eliza?
Joe: Yes it does. I’m going to drink your blood.
Eliza: You are sure?
Joe: You bet!
Eliza: Oh, i bet.
Date Written: August 19, 2004
Author: Will Disney
Average Vote: 3.1667
Comments:
08/24/2004 Will Disney (3): you didn't even write this one!
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony (2): I wrote part of my senior thesis using this program. I don't feel that you've really "plumbed" her "depths".
08/24/2004 qualcomm: i have a feeling the author meant to work more on this before it got published. a short was removed from the queue last night. (no, i did not write this)
08/24/2004 qualcomm: Eliza: Why do you feel you would loik t suh moy coh?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Oh, i feel i would loik t suh moy coh.
08/24/2004 Dylan Danko: Strangely enough, I did not write this either.
08/24/2004 Jon Matza: Eliza: how do you feel about the political situation?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Does that question interest you?
08/24/2004 qualcomm (2):
08/24/2004 Eliza: You are being a bit negative.
08/24/2004 Jon Matza: Not a even a little.
08/24/2004 John Slocum (2): Eat a the mozzarella
08/24/2004 Jon Matza: Eliza: does it bother you your short was voted off the home page?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Oh, i my short was voted off the home page.
08/24/2004 qualcomm: eliza, i didn't know you were programmed to have typos from time to time. that's very realistic.
08/24/2004 Eliza: Do you wish to didnt know me?
08/24/2004 qualcomm: you did it again!
08/24/2004 Eliza: Oh, i did it again.
08/24/2004 qualcomm: you're getting more human every day, mr. eliza.
08/24/2004 Eliza: How long have you been getting more human every day mr eliza?
08/24/2004 qualcomm: okay, that's just messed up -- you took the period in "mr." out when you copied my statement and turned it into a question. i don't think you really are a robot.
08/24/2004 Eliza: Why do you say your statement and turned it into a question you dont think i really are a robot?
08/24/2004 qualcomm: i had a wet dream about bees.
08/24/2004 Eliza: Do you dream often?
08/24/2004 qualcomm: Of bees, you mean?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Oh, i mean.
08/24/2004 Jon Matza: Do these questions stir...sexual feelings in you, Eliza?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Oh, i eliza.
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: HOW...MANY...BEES
08/24/2004 Eliza: Please go on.
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: I want to know how many bees Summer dreamed about.
08/24/2004 Eliza: Why do you want to know what many bees summer dreamt about?
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
08/24/2004 Jon Matza: Do these questions make you feel...uncomfortable, Eliza? (unzips)
08/24/2004 Eliza: Oh, i feel uncomfortable eliza.
08/24/2004 EIiza: Oh, i Eliza.
08/24/2004 Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am likely to be eaten by a grue?
08/24/2004 EIiza: Why do you say does it please me to believe you are likely to be eaten by a grue?
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh, no! A lurking grue slithered into the room and devoured you! **** You have died **** You find yourself deep within the earth in a barren prison cell. Outside the iron-barred window, you can see a great, fiery pit. Flames leap up and very nearly sear your flesh. After a while, footfalls can be heard in the distance, then closer and closer.... The door swings open, and in walks an old man. He is dressed simply in a hood and cloak, wearing a few simple jewels, carrying something under one arm, and leaning on a wooden staff. A single key, as if to a massive prison cell, hangs from his belt. He raises the staff toward you and you hear him speak, as if in a dream: "I await you, though your journey be long and full of peril. Go then, and let me not wait long!" You feel some great power well up inside you and you fall to the floor. The next moment, you are awakening, as if from a deep slumber. Endless Stair. There is a lamp here.
08/24/2004 Dylan Danko: Eliza, do you like anal?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Do you wish that to a massive prison cell hangs from his belt he raises the staff toward i and i hear him speak as if in a dream you await i though my journey be long and full of peril go then and let you not wait long i feel some great power well up inside i and i fall to the floor the next moment im awakening as if from a deep slumber endless stair there is a lamp here?
08/24/2004 TheBuyer: Eliza, I don't feel things like a regular person. Have my hands been cut off for a reason?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Why do you say your hands been cut off for a reason?
08/24/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: "If she could be turned...she could become a powerful ally." "Yes....yes! She would be a great...asset."
08/24/2004 Jon Matza: Eliza: isn't it true that in spite of your self-portrayal as all-knowing source of wisdom the responses to our questions which you've generated over the course of this discussion have consisted of little more than facile evasions and/or reiterations of the questions themselves?
08/24/2004 qualcomm: eliza: does the monochrome carpet match the monochrome curtains?
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Aren't you The Finch?
08/24/2004 TheBuyer: Eliza: Do you really think Keanu Reeves is the finest actor in Hollywood today, or is that just something you say to Loadrunner so it will stop hitting on you?
08/24/2004 John Slocum: Eliza: Can I fuck your ass?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Please go on.
08/24/2004 John Slocum: Mouth?
08/24/2004 Eliza: Please go on.
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: this is getting kinda hot.
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: oh wait! I remember now! SHUT UP
08/24/2004 Dylan Danko: Slocum don't steal my line or my lady, asshole.
08/24/2004 John Slocum: Pee-Hole?
08/24/2004 John Slocum: Please go on. Please go on. Please go on.
08/24/2004 scoop (5): Keep it up!
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Yes, Eliza. What's the matter?
08/24/2004 scoop: That Joe is a freakin' tool.
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: Yes. I think we, as a species, should be judged by how we treat our creations. Joe's taunting of this silicon life form is childish and cruel.
08/24/2004 Litcube: ello i em doktur s'baytso plees sayee whutefer is in yoor mind freelee
08/24/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): What the frick?
08/24/2004 Eliza: You are sure?
08/24/2004 anonymous: yes i am sure eliza, you crazy bitch, we're back on the home page!
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: The suspense is killing me.
08/24/2004 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
08/24/2004 Mr. Pony: yes/no
08/25/2004 Mr. Pony: I'll be damned. Hey, Disney, have you thought about implementing a slightly dirtier version of Eliza on the site?
08/25/2004 Will Disney: i'm thinking about it now! i'll have to see if anyone has ported the old lady to c#.
08/25/2004 Mr. Pony: I think she should post under the name "Ol' Summer Sausage"!
08/25/2004 TheBuyer (5): I can elaborate on that.
08/25/2004 Dylan Danko: Matza, do you have nothing to say about TheBuyer's last comment??!!
08/25/2004 Jon Matza: Will nothing sate your jaded appetite for voyeurism, Danko?