AcmeShorts

TALES FROM THE DOCTOR’S DESK

The leggy blond walked into my office. She was a hot number all right, although she was a little sickly looking. But I’m used to that. I’m a doctor.

“Doctor, doctor, there’s a fly in my soup!” she told me.

Another day in LA, another crazy broad.

I walked over to her, put my hand between her legs, and start rubbing gently. She was moaning. “Oh, oh, the backstroke! The backstroke!”

Later, as I was washing up, I mentioned to her that she had a mild case of genital warts.

“I want a second opinion!” she shouted.

“You’re ugly, too,” I told her. “As a human being.”

She walked out of the office in a huff. The sun was starting to set. It didn’t matter. She’d come back. They always did.
Date Written: June 25, 2004
Author: Will Disney
Average Vote: 4.1111
Comments:
06/30/2004 qualcomm: a cross between bukowski and henny youngman
06/30/2004 Will Disney (4): yep
06/30/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): Did the Doc give her the warts?
06/30/2004 Ewan Snow: I'm torn on this one. I like what the author was trying to do, but not what he did.
06/30/2004 anonymous: Go to hell, Snow!
06/30/2004 Snack Bar (5): oh fucking hell, it's brilliant. too many pleasant surprises to name just one. "Oh, oh, the backstroke!" (shit, couldn't help myself.) "You're ugly, too," (again. damn.) i'm ripped from the shadows into commenting this week.
06/30/2004 anonymous: Thanks, Snack Bar!
06/30/2004 scoop: F you Disney.
06/30/2004 anonymous: F you, scoop!
06/30/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Will do, author. And Snack Bar, "you're ugly too" is the oldest joke in the book. It's the "as a human being" that saves it. 3.5 rounded up in deference to the author's insecurity.
06/30/2004 scoop: Ha!
06/30/2004 Snack Bar: is it fair to only comment on the good shit? impartial standpoint needed, eh?
06/30/2004 qualcomm: well, assuming snack bar never heard "you're ugly too" before this, at least he recognizes a classic when he reads it.
06/30/2004 TheBuyer: What's a "mild" genital wart?
06/30/2004 Snack Bar: Snow: that's why i appreciated it's usage. cheers.
06/30/2004 anonymous: snack bar, this *is* the good shit. stand your ground!
06/30/2004 anonymous: if you'd ever had a 'not mild' case, thebuyer, you wouldn't be asking.
06/30/2004 qualcomm: yeah the buyer, your penis is covered in canadian warts!
06/30/2004 Ewan Snow: Snack Bar: I'm not sure what you mean. Are you a real human being or one of us posing? And are you asking about commenting or voting specifically? Impartial standpoint needed by whom or what? Please clarify your identity and worldview. Lerpa: yeah, I guess so.
06/30/2004 Ewan Snow: Wrote that before your last comment, Snack, but still not sure what you mean. What's why you appreciated its usage? And what is "it"? The ugly joke, or the "as a human being" add on?
06/30/2004 TheBuyer: Authre: good point. The Lerpa: we spell it 'dick bump' but it's pronounced the same.
06/30/2004 Snack Bar: Snow: you think too much. take it at face value. (and i'm real, though i'll strike a pose for you if you'd like.)
06/30/2004 Snack Bar: i was asking about voting.
06/30/2004 TheBuyer (4): also, I wouldn't say 'covered'.
06/30/2004 scoop (4): I was planning on giving this a fiver until I relaized the author gave it a four. The author must have some insight on this that I don't so here you go. Thanks, author, for saving me from my own folly.
06/30/2004 anonymous: F you, scoop!
06/30/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4):
06/30/2004 anonymous: benny, no the doctor didn't give her warts. actually she got genital warts back in college. she was out with this guy she knew from trig class. they were both drunk. she wasn't into it but he was really pushing for it. it wasn't forced, or anything, but she felt really awful afterwards.
06/30/2004 qualcomm: i don't care, i still think genital warts is gross except in cases of rape or incest
06/30/2004 anonymous: i guess you could call her experience a sort of emotional rape. does that count? it was not incest, however.
06/30/2004 Cougar: you guys are crazy
06/30/2004 Jon Matza: So was it or wasn't it gross? Lerpa, let him answer.
06/30/2004 anonymous: We've been hearing that a lot recently, Cougar.
06/30/2004 anonymous: Due to the nature of her experience, I'd have to say that in this case, the genital warts were NOT gross.
06/30/2004 TheBuyer: Whoa, a coug! Sweeeeeet.
06/30/2004 John Slocum (3):
06/30/2004 Dylan Danko (4):
06/30/2004 scoop: "Of course some people over the years have suggested that mental illness is a kind of adaptation to the sort of circumstances that will arise in the future. As we move towards a more and more psychotic landscape, the psychotic traits are signs of a sort of, you know, a kind of Darwinian adaptation. After all, my grandparents, were they able to visit this country today, Western Europe or the United States for that matter, would find it an extraordinary place; I mean a landscape of sensation..."
06/30/2004 TheBuyer: That's a frightening terminus to disembark onto.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: man, i was certain this was snow
07/1/2004 Jacob Starfish: Hey, Cougar, those were my first words too, more or less!
07/1/2004 Craig Lewis (4):
07/1/2004 Ewan Snow: Lerpa: nope, it was a rip-off.
07/1/2004 Will Disney: dude!
07/1/2004 Will Disney: obviously ewan didn't write this. i wrote that the doctor was rubbing *gently*.