AcmeShorts

There was a time before time, when beasts walked the earth, and those beasts had a language called Zwargthram. The hoofen brutes enslaved our puny ancient ancestors, but the humans couldn't understand what was being commanded to them. They didn't speak Zwargtham, so they got whipped a lot.

These misunderstandings are what probably gave rise to the human revolution circa 330,000 BC (even though it was the time before time, it would be ridiculous to assume that their era couldn't have had a date attributed to it). After the revolution, the humans were the victors, and the beasts enslaved.

But while under the tyrannous bestial reign, the humans had been so badly treated, that they now rejoiced in the defamation of the carcasses of the slain enemy. They decided the most offensive thing they could do was to tear the beast's fallen limb from limb, and then throw the pieces onto smoldering coals. They took it one step further, and consumed the charred pieces with relish, all the while making it festive; drinking grog and laughing about it. The surviving beasts just looked back dumbly, unable to cry.

And that is the history of our modern day barbecue. Celebrate our victory! Have one today!