AcmeShorts

The wine tasted like violence towards women, the smack of clenched knuckle on cheek bone, the wiggle of the jaw on turned head; internal bleeding. Potency. Pure, male potency. I took another sip and the baked fruit spurred me on (Roussillon). I was hard, all over my cock but particularly in the base on the underside, close to but not quite at the scrote. A-quiver. The tannins. Acid. Structure. Thickness - density of fruit, baked fruit. This is what she wanted and I was going to give it to her. Tears, my tears. I took my pants off. I wondered if the vines had been spur- or cane-pruned and whether one or the other would better handle the overwhelming heat of the Catalonian summer. And the language with funny words. The 'tx' - what the fuck is that, like a 'ch' sound? How 'bout just use a fucking 'ch' then? I pushed my heel into her chest and wondered if I had made a mistake putting it in the Burgundy bowl. Should have used the Bordeaux glass. Baked fruit.
Date Written: June 17, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 4.4545
Comments:
06/21/2004 Litcube: No comments yets!
06/21/2004 qualcomm (5): there's a lot to like here: misogyny, the idea that the author's cock has a variable hardness mechanism, and, oh yes, baked fruit. not to mention, once again, how easy and pleasurable it is to imagine the actual author in the role of the narrator.
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Plush.
06/21/2004 TheBuyer (5): Thanks Auth, this bites; in a good way.
06/21/2004 Ewan Snow (3): the variable types of cock hardness thing was the only funny part of this one for me. I encourage the author to branch out beyond wine shorts more. I like the wine shorts, but after a while...
06/21/2004 qualcomm: author, does your cock sometimes get hard at both the base and tip, while staying soft in the central portion?
06/21/2004 qualcomm: ewan, maybe if we keep rewarding him for writing wine shorts, he'll stop. think about it.
06/21/2004 Ewan Snow: That's rum logic, The Lerpa. I suggest you adopt a more serious attitude young man. Life's not all about horsing around.
06/21/2004 qualcomm: no, dude: think about it
06/21/2004 anonymous: Ewan, The Lerpa is right. Think about it.
06/21/2004 Ewan Snow: Do you mean that if we reward him for writing wine shorts, he'll instead start writing them, but stop short just before he gets to the payoff? No? You know I'm not good at thinking about stuff. How's about a hint?
06/21/2004 qualcomm: it's like that twilight zone episode where the dude thinks he's in heaven because it's a big casino where he always wins and always gets the girl, but then he realizes that it's actually hell because he always wins and always gets the girl.
06/21/2004 anonymous: Hint: if we keep rewarding him for writing wine shorts, he'll stop...I've said too much; i must go.
06/21/2004 scoop: Ewan's right. Enough horsing around. Adulthood carries with it a variety of attendant responsibilities, important ones, like fatherhood and power point. And it's high time that grown-up level of commitment translate in to our shorts, or rather our "art." The Lerpa is also right about the accuracy of his Twilight Zone encapsulation, but his liberal invocation of it worries me.
06/21/2004 TheBuyer: Finally someone else who's seen that one! I feel like the guy who sees the monster on the wing of the plane when I refrence that episode. Validation is so tasty sometimes.
06/21/2004 Craig Lewis (4): Having experienced the author's fumbling early efforts at prose fiction (and wine conniseurship) circa 1986, I am continually astounded at his primo prose chops. I'm sorry, but this writing just rocks. Love the stupid-macho stacatto: "Thickness - density of fruit, baked fruit," etc. etc. Also, "scrote" -- choice abbreve. That said, I join the others in urging the author to branch out from wine shorts. Author, have you considered shorts about some your other favorite people/pastimes -- Sword of Shannara, Dr. Chan, anal, millenry?
06/21/2004 Craig Lewis: Shit, no fair! That was supposed to be a five. Mouse-hand slippage. DISNEY, this site sucks!!!
06/21/2004 John Slocum: Who is this Slocumimitation?
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony: Hoo hoo!
06/21/2004 Litcube (3):
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko (5): 4 stars but I'll wipe up Craig's mess.
06/21/2004 John Slocum: a bottle of Collioure (2000 Dr. Parcé 'Cosprons Levants' [sp?]) to he/she who finds the stupid factual error, but only if he/she lives in NYC.
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko: Rousillon's in France not Catalonia?
06/21/2004 John Slocum: Parts of Southern France and parts of north eastern spain were once Catalonian, they still refer to themselves there as catalonian. WRONG!
06/22/2004 qualcomm: yeah, asshole. read the count of monte cristo. dantes' lovely mercedes was a catalan slice of minge, part of a whole community of them in Marseilles.
06/22/2004 Craig Lewis: I've got it. The vines would neither have been spur- nor cane-pruned, but rather ripped from the loamy Catalonian soil by a smiley friendly giant, Ngryth, who is capable of harvesting several hundred hectares in a single hour's work?
06/22/2004 John Slocum: WRONG!
06/22/2004 Craig Lewis: Fuck you. I want my WINE.
06/22/2004 Mr. Joshua: Acid?
06/22/2004 TheBuyer: You holding?
06/22/2004 Mr. Pony: How about that a wine, generally being a liquid, could not possibly be of the same density as baked fruit?
06/22/2004 Joanna Slocum: WRONG! (Although you're right in your statement, that's an answer for a different question.)(kidding)(you're kidding too, I know that)(and you know I was kidding)(alright then)
06/22/2004 John Slocum: Get your bitch-ass back home, bitch!
06/22/2004 John Slocum: Mr. Joshua: WRONG!
06/22/2004 TheBuyer: Whoa! Slocum, I saw your bra-strap!
06/22/2004 Mr. Joshua: Well, I only have one other guess, and this is it. It would seem that a vintner in Catalonia would not cane-prune, but rather would spur prune as a result of a general preference for a vertical trellis system. But my knowledge is limited, mighty Slocum; having labored in Burgundian and Alsatian vendanges, I rarely asked questions...just kept my head down and picked and portered. If this guess is wrong, at least let us know if the factual error pertains to wine, or to another aspect of the short. By the way, I'm in favor of you continuing to produce wine-oriented shorts.
06/22/2004 qualcomm: hey, let's face it: it's widely conceded by the experts that winemaking is mostly guess-work! spur prune, cane prune, it's really just a crap-shoot. they can't even predict whether a particular vineyard will produce red or white grapes from one season to the next, or even whether any given grape is itself white or red. in fact, the very idea that humans are able to use their eyes to differentiate between differences in electromagnetic radiation has come under a lot of fire lately.
06/22/2004 TheBuyer: Lerpa; does that mean that the only thing that they can really control is how much alcohol they pour into the wine during the 'bare-foot-stomping' phase? the man at the U-brU didn't know.
06/22/2004 Mr. Joshua: Also, I've been to Collioures, and I happen to know that the proper spelling does include an 's' at the end. This is a certified factual error, although not in the short itself. Can I have the bottle if no one else can find the real error?
06/22/2004 Mr. Joshua: I really want this damn wine....I'm too much of a kike to spend good money on dessert wines, so this is real important to me. There is no 'tx' in the Catalan 'alphabet'. Usually the x just appears on its own. Had a nice little tasting of Spanish last night....included a Priorat Cims de Porrerra Solanes and a Muga Rioja Reserva.
06/22/2004 Mr. Pony: I never kid about density.
06/22/2004 John Slocum: MR. JOSHUA WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! I CONFUSED BASQUE AND CATALAN!!!! But Mr. Joshua, I was offering AC Collioure, the dry, full, heady red, not Banyuls, the sweet dessert wine made in Collioure. I don't have any banyuls. And how can I get you the bottle (i'll see if I can 'find' some banyuls).
06/22/2004 Mr. Joshua: Well, we can perhaps arrange to drink it at the Lerpa's, if the smell of feline herpes doesn't overpower our olfactories.
06/22/2004 John Slocum: I LOVE the smell of feline herpes. Done and done.
06/23/2004 scoop (4): That first clause is wonderful.
06/23/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): Somehow I missed this most excellent short. It is wildly unpredictable and has a nose of licorice.
06/24/2004 Great Satan (5): I enjoyed this to a degree which can only be called criminal. 666
07/17/2004 Stash (5): h-h-hot. (was wondering what "they" meant when it was said you'd done this before.) my palette and i are aroused.