It was the year 2004 - not in this reality, but in ANOTHER REALITY. In this other reality, Walter Mondale had beaten Reagan. Geraldine Ferraro had soon thereafter KILLED Mondale and had assumed control of the US government. Her first act as Surpreme Dictator was to remove all men from office and to appoint female cronies to all important positions. Also, she threatened to NUKE any other country that didn’t follow suit. Pretty soon the entire world was taken over by women.
So there I was trying to buy a car. Again, this was 2004. But in this alternate reality, the only cars you could buy were VadgeMobiles designed by women! I was at the dealership, and the dealer lady was explaining the car to me.
“It takes two women to operate one of these at any given time. One woman inserts the stick shift into her vadge and that’s how she changes gears. Another woman inserts the steering stick into her vadge. That is how she steers the car. Each of the front bucket seat operates as a giant tampon too. It’s very convenient.”
“It’s not convenient for me!” I shouted. “I’m a MAN!”
“Well, I guess you shouldn’t have voted for Mondale,” she said.
“Goddammit,” I said.
In the end, I got an automatic. That way I could stick the steering stick up my ass and get around town that way. It wasn’t very comfortable, and each time I had to unexpectedly stop short, I was forced to ask myself: OH GOD WHY DID I VOTE FOR MONDALE? WHY? WHY?
Yes, dear readers, living over there in your little utopia - it’s something for you to consider. Something for you to consider indeed!
