AcmeShorts

Her keepsakes having been corroded by the uncommonly caustic uric acid of her hypoglycemic sister, Crackers, Crackers’ sister was wretched, distraught and inconsolable. The used condom that she had saved from her very first lay (Bobby, in the treehouse), the used tampon from her first menses, and the used ticket stub from her first Red Sox game now lay in a dissolved, co-mingled pool of memories of memories. Even Mittens' blown-off head - pilfered while Iggy took a beating from Bruce, and mummified in cling-wrap to preserve it for the ages – was beyond salvage. But this is what happens when you shit where you fuck, so I guess she got what she deserved.
Date Written: May 20, 2004
Author: Mr. Joshua
Average Vote: 4
Comments:
05/27/2004 Ewan Snow: Too bad this is no good. I was looking forward to it.
05/27/2004 scoop: I'm confused Snow, how are you accessing this thing? It's not posted. I only got here through your comment. And why do we bother to trudge through another day aware of our own helplessness before powerful forces beyond our control?
05/27/2004 Ewan Snow: It's on the guest page, front and center, buddy. As for your second (and more important) question, the answer is that our ancestors (all the way back to single cell little critters) were naturally selected to "trudge through another day... before powerful forces beyond [their] control." The fact that we are now "aware" of it makes the old habit no easier to break.
05/27/2004 scoop: I'm going to have to disagree. While I understand the substance of your argument, it doesn't hold up under scrutiny. I've gone to the guest page and I've got the dog/will/blender short front and center. And also, what happens to the viability of natural slection when it rewards mindless hayesseds who are only dimly aware of their tragic condition in the world with a counterfeit hapiness, and condemns the clear-eyed with this cripling self-awareness?
05/27/2004 Ewan Snow: I don't know. It's on the front of the guest page for me. Ask Disney. As for natural selection, it doesn't give a damn about "the clear-eyed". It only asks that you can fuck, fight, eat, shit, and think enough to do the above four. Any thinking above what's required for those (or, worse yet, leading one to question the values of those) is, by definition, not selected for. Hence the widespread and nearly inescapable belief among humanoids in such fairy tales as god, free will, and the importance of hope.
05/27/2004 qualcomm: yeah but snow, by definition, everything about every species has been selected for, including all that thinking we do above and beyond what's necessary to survive.
05/27/2004 qualcomm: that is, any brain power that allows for such non-survival thoughts has been selected for, not the thoughts themselves
05/27/2004 Mr. Pony: Are you separating the size and shape of the brain from the thoughts it thinks?
05/27/2004 Mr. Pony: Also, I see the short fine.
05/27/2004 Ewan Snow: Will clarify shortly...
05/27/2004 Ewan Snow: Though it’s against my better judgement, I’ll answer in all seriousness and continue this conversation. Complex abstract thinking was an evolutionary advantage, up to a point, because it provided an ability to hunt in a coordinated way, outwit predators, etc. and therefore fight, fuck, eat and shit better. Beyond that, those individuals whose intellect led them to an awareness of the futility of doing anything (and whose intellect had enough influence in their behavior so that it overcame other influences, such as hunger, horniness, etc.) didn’t survive; there are none or close to none today at least. These people would have a steady, logical reaction to life. A steady, logical reaction to life would be to sit down and wait to die, knowing the big-picture futility of it all. Such a person would not be duped by hope, that carrot always tempting man into the erroneous belief that better days are possible ahead. Nor would he believe in a god (the most famous particular incarnation of hope). So occasional flashes of awareness, glimpses of the reality that there is no point, are possible for us, but only until a nice piece of ass, or a shiny new consumable, a better job or a ham sandwich crosses our sight. Then we forget all about the futility of it all and get our asses in gear.

Further, I would say that even those who only occasionally remember, though generally believe, that there is no god, no point, etc., even if only when not distracted by hope of eating or fucking, are considerably more rare than those who believe with all their heart that life has a purpose, god loves them and/or everything happens for a reason. For example, statistics show that only .4% of Americans are atheists.

05/27/2004 Ewan Snow: judgment
05/27/2004 Ewan Snow: As you might have guessed, I'm no expert on evolution or any of this shit. It's all mere speculation on my part. I've recently found some books that seem to support this general take on things, though. Check out "The God Module". There's an interview with the author here
05/27/2004 qualcomm: love "The Godule"
05/27/2004 Ewan Snow: Anyone know where I can score "Michael Persinger's transcranial magnetic stimulator, a device that shoots a concentrated electromagnetic field at a specific portion of the brain. When directed at the temporal lobe, the subject invariably undergoes a religious/spiritual experience."
05/27/2004 Jon Matza: i.e., death.
05/27/2004 Cooper Green: Scoop, check the the box in your preferences that allows you to see shorts containing inside jokes (which may not be funny to you).
05/27/2004 TheBuyer: I slept in, what did I miss?
Oh.
05/27/2004 Mr. Pony: Don't Cling-Wrap cat?
05/27/2004 John Slocum: I was having the same problem as scoop until cooper green's sage advice.
05/28/2004 John Slocum (4): Wow! not one vote. This is very good. By the way, Mr. Joshua, have you had any of your lafites?
05/28/2004 Ewan Snow: Huh, I never would have guessed the was Mr. Joshua...
05/28/2004 scoop: I couldn't agree more, Snowmuffin.
05/28/2004 qualcomm: you idiot, the last sentence was a dead giveaway
05/28/2004 qualcomm: (snow i mean; i don't expect scoop to know)
05/28/2004 scoop: Yeah, I was just itching to use Snowmuffin.
05/28/2004 Ewan Snow: What, the "shit where you fuck" thing? I never heard him say that. Or do you mean something else?
05/28/2004 qualcomm: yeah, i never heard him say it either, but it's so obviously something he would say, with its faux craggy wisdom
05/28/2004 qualcomm: also, cling-wrap is the term used for saran wrap in bad boy bubby, the red sox ticket stub, and the diction is very joshuaesque
05/28/2004 Dylan Danko: You sure it's not alu-MIN-ium foil?
05/28/2004 Ewan Snow: Good question, Danko.
05/28/2004 Mr. Joshua: I haven't opened the Lafites yet, Slocum, but I will imbibe them in the order you advised. Thanks for the vote...I'm pained by the lukewarm reaction to this short; I actually thought it was pretty good when I wrote it.
05/28/2004 Ewan Snow: I guess I was just expecting something different when I saw it in the queue.
05/28/2004 TheBuyer (3): whoops didn't rate it while the author was hidden. That was impolite, my apologies Mr. Joshua. As for the rating; pi. I'll make up the other .5 and change on your next one.
01/31/2005 Cyrus (5): Sincerest form of flattery.